Overwhelmed

We are still here...thriving in fact...it just might seem we have vanished from sight. Today is our 27th day home. The days have been full and busy and wonderful.

Ivan is adjusting so well. He is quite the celebrity around here--the older kids love to show him off at school, sports practice, etc. and he honestly eats it all up...(we have a charmer on our hands for sure).

Speaking of eating, our little man continues to eat almost everything we offer--with only a few exceptions, he loves it all. And he eats lots of it. And he loves to ask for more. And sometimes even more. Being a first time adoptive parent, I asked my doctor about this. "He would eat all day if I let him...Is this a problem?" My doctor's kind reply was, "He has some serious catching up to do so LET HIM EAT!" And now speaking of catching up, Ivan has officially added 3 full pounds since "gotcha day"! He literally looks like a different child...full, rosy cheeks, more hair, and a few yummy little fat wrinkles here and there. He has the smiley-est eyes and a glowing grin. He is full of life.

To recap a bit, Thanksgiving was simply splendid as Ivan and I flew to be with almost my entire side of the family in Tennessee. It was such a treat to show Ivan off to my parents, siblings, nieces, cousins, second cousins, my dear grandmother (see super cute photo to the right!), aunts, uncles, friends and other loved ones there. We had a huge reunion-type gathering. It was unforgettable. Some highlights of the trip were: Ivan playing in leaves for the first time, enjoying the wide open spaces that make Tennessee so beckoning (translation-me running after Ivan as he realized he could literally run FOREVER there!), meeting his huge new family, and honestly just about each and every moment in-between. He loved every dog he saw (please remember that he thought our 6 pound dog was going to devour him when he first came home), he laughed and laughed with his deep belly laugh that is so contagious it makes my cheeks hurt, he couldn't get enough of the swing or really just the outdoors in general, he brought so much joy. He reminded me constantly how much we have to be thankful for.

As I mentioned, Ivan is thriving. There are almost too many stories to tell. He is funny and silly, curious and active, snuggly and super sweet. He gets whiny, mad, stubborn, and pitches little fits. And I love it all. It is still really hard for me not to bite his little cheeks and nibble on his yummy little neck--all the time. He gets into everything. EVERYTHING. He is holding his own in our busy house--even with the dog who is a bit irritated that Ivan has taken a liking to his crate and cozy dog-bed. He is picking up some sign language and never wants to get out of his bath. He gets perfectly still when I start to give him is bottle just before bed. My brother's family gave him a sock monkey and he adores it. He carries it around and cuddles it in bed. Seriously, there are just too many stories.

With this being the first week of Advent (which happens to be my very favorite time of year), I have been doing a lot of reflecting. This is the Hope week. We lit the Hope candle on Sunday and get to live in this space focused on the Hope that Jesus is and brings all week long. I had the chance to share a bit about our journey to Ivan in chapel at the University where I work last night and in preparations for my talk, I was overwhelmed. I was overwhelmed with the LONG list of prayers answered and miracles experienced during our journey to Ivan. I was overwhelmed at the sweet and tender mercies that God showed me over and over and over again. I was overwhelmed at all of the times God stepped in and blessed and encouraged me when my hope was almost gone. I was overwhelmed at the thought of what a miracle Ivan is. He is hope realized, seen, smelt and held. Hope. Here. With us. Sleeping soundly only a few feet away. Again, I am overwhelmed.

I am so excited to travel through the rest of this Advent season as we prepare to celebrate Jesus' birth. I feel so full, so blessed, so thankful. So overwhelmed with hope.

One Week

Ivan and I have been home one week today. My tiredness tells me it has been much longer, but it has really seemed like a blink. He continues to be a joy and loving him is a deep privilege. We are learning routine, relationship, and what it looks like to be a family of 6. (This attempt of a photo of our 4 went really well I think :) As I said, we are LEARNING what it looks like to be a family of 6...or 7 if we count Ivan's closest pal and greatest rival...our dog!) Before I move onto what is heavy on my heart, I will share a precious photo of Ivan. When I look at him I just can't believe it is real. He is ours. Two weeks ago today, he slept his last night in the #7 crib in a room with 15 others. Tonight as I rocked him to sleep, I said over and over again, "You are home... You are home...Finally home."

Today has been an interesting one. Phil's brother and his family lost their home last night in a fire. Everything. We are so thankful they are all OK, but grieving with them this tremendous loss. Their kids has lost their favorite things, and the family photos and home movies are now among the charred rubble where their house once stood. It literally burned to the ground. It is a sobering and haunting image to picture them standing where their house once was and looking around to find almost nothing that was once theirs.

It has made me do some thinking today. My heart aches for their loss and grief, for their kids and for them as parents as they try to navigate this loss not only for themselves, but also for their children, our nieces and nephews. This will impact them for the rest of their lives.

I have also been blessed tremendously by the community that is rising up to help, support, and bless them and the other families who have been affected by this tragedy. Strangers want to help. Many of our friends, who have never even met Phil's brother and their family, want to know what they can do, what they can buy, how they can help. I am so thankful for the love that is already emerging to help them through this time. I know that it is not about the replaceable things, but about the things which can't be re-purchased, etc. But what blesses my heart right now are the huge hearts that are ready and willing to do whatever they can. Our family has also experienced this beautiful grace this year.

We have been blessed repeatedly this year by the kindness and generosity of many, many people. Some we already knew, some we know now, and some we will never even meet. When I think of how Ivan's life has changed in these last two weeks, I am convinced that our greatest gift to him is not from us at all. His greatest "gain" is this rich community of people who love, give, and sacrifice. His greatest gain is our greatest blessing also.

Please pray for Dave, Jill and their kids tonight. We are asking God to draw very, very near.

Welcomed

We are HOME! It is hard to believe, but SOOO wonderful. Our 13 hour Aeroflot flight was well...l...o...n...g...and it was on Aeroflot...I will leave it at that. Ivan did great though--he slept a bit and won back some of the favor of the grumpy man behind me who thought I shouldn't be allowed to lean my chair back(!)...thus the extra long feeling of this already long flight!

We were warmly welcomed home on Friday evening at the airport by Phil and Ivan's 3 older siblings! It was so special to witness Ivan "meeting" Maggie and Maryn. It feels like he has been part of our family for a very long time already...months of talking and praying about him made it seem so normal and expected in one sense, and in another sense it seemed the strangest, wildest, most unreal thing possible.

We received another warm welcome once we arrived home: a large "Welcome Home Ivan" sign hanging on our garage door, an "It's A Boy" stork, balloons, and homemade posters galore...it was a wonderful welcome indeed.
These first hours have been full of many firsts: Ivan's first glimpse of (and obsessive licking by) a dog...(TERRIFYING to be sure but he has warmed up to our little dog quite well); first steps in the cold wet grass...not exactly how he prefers to spend his hours; his first experience in L.A. traffic (the ride home from the airport that almost did us in!); first of many swings on our swing-set; first time to go #2 in the bathtub...you know all of the essential 'firsts' to squeak into those early hours! He has done amazingly well honestly. He is a trooper for sure and has amazed us with his good attitude. I would also like to say here that Ivan being a trooper does not at all negate his very spirited tantrums and crying spurts. Unfortunately for him, we still find them very cute and are even tempted to photograph such adorable sights...Again, I know the cuteness of this will pass, but for now, I drink it all in and want to remember each and every second.

My mom, "Nana", was able to stay and meet Ivan, yet another wonderful treat. She had been here looking after the kids (and Phil!) while Clara and I waited out the week in Russia. We were thrilled for him to get to meet both of this grandmothers so soon.

A highlight of the weekend was making an appearance at the playoff soccer game that Phil was coaching. Literally, as we got out of the car, our team scored a goal and went on to win the game only minutes later. Ivan was quite the celebrity for sure. As the game ended, Ivan and I walked toward the player huddle, eager to introduce Ivan to these remarkable men who had hosted a send off for us on the night before we left for Russia to bring him home. As the team saw us coming, they began to chant, "Ivan Wolf! Ivan Wolf!"...it was music to our ears. The beaming smile on Phil's proud face as he introduced Ivan to his team was a sight to see. I can't wait to tell Ivan the story of this moment over and over for the rest of his life. It was so special, so memorable, so much like the movie Rudy!(...the chanting that is.)

We have now settled in and plan to lay low for a bit. We are loving these early days with Ivan finally home. Our family of 6 feels wonderfully full. The welcoming continues with phone calls, delicious meals, generous gifts, and even praise filled tears. People keep saying, "I just can't believe he is here...in the flesh...this is the one we have been praying for". We feel the same way. The fulfillment of this dream feels too good to be true.

We are abundantly thankful and blessed beyond words.

"The LORD has done great things for us and we are filled with joy." Psalm 126:3

Serious Cuteness

I am tired and heading to bed soon so this will be short.

We had a good Dr. appointment today in preparation for our Embassy appointment tomorrow. The Dr. felt that Ivan was good all around. He commented on what a good sign it was that Ivan was "manipulative" to adults...he is a charmer for sure and was totally hacked off when the Dr. took his toy away in order to examine him. I would also like to share that he has already gained nearly a pound since we have had him. 4 days, 1 pound...now that is some progress! He is inching his way back up to the growth curve and the Dr. also commented that he is proportionate though small and will "grow quickly". There were several other families at the Dr. with us...it is so fun to see other miracles before my very eyes.

We spent lots of time outside walking today. Ivan loves his sling and is quite content to walk all over this monstrous city. We even did an evening walk tonight which was spectacular. It is hard to imagine that Red Square in the dark is even more magnificent than it is in the light, but it was just breathtaking.

As I said, I am off to bed. But I will leave you with some ADORABLE photos. My personal favorite is the black and white one...honestly...the finger in the nose IN the "Little Wolf" outfit...it is almost more cuteness than I can take.

Good night.

Happy

Now that court is over and we are just spending a few days in Moscow, there is not such pressing and interesting info to post. But I will tell you that we are having a great time here and Ivan is doing really well.

He is eating well, sleeping well (praise the Lord for his little thumb!), and is very playful and cuddly. Phil and Barrett left yesterday--they made it safely and are home sleeping in their own beds right now. Clara and I had a low key day yesterday--we ate here at the hotel, took Ivan to the hotel play room (how great is that?), and turned in to bed early.

We walked back down to Red Square this morning to a flea market of sorts. By the end of our shopping, we were surrounded by hundreds of police/ guards/ soldiers and literally thousands of people who were making their way to the festivities outside of Red Square for the "Day of Consent and Agreement" celebration. We found lots of wonderful things in the little market--the best of which is a black fur hat that looks ADORABLE on Clara! She loves it and I must say it is perfect on her. We headed back for lunch at the hotel again. Their pelmeni is so yummy and was perfect after our chilly walk/ shopping spree. Ivan LOVES pelmeni too. Clara will be very busy at our house when we return making hundreds of her yummy little dumlings for us to freeze and eat all winter.

Clara and Ivan are napping now and we are headed out in a bit on a tour of some sights around here. We pitched in with another adoptive family to get a private tour guide for a few hours who will give us the history of much of the Kremlin, take us to an art gallery, the Grand Cathedral, and even help us navigate the Metro. Mary is from Michigan and is traveling with her mother also. She is a wonderful single mom adopting little Christina. It is fun to be in this hotel as we see many other adoptive families.

As I said, Ivan is doing great. He is happy and active--perhaps a bit too active for our little hotel room. Before his nap today I let him walk up and down the hallways...he had the best time! He is walking everywhere and is super curious. He is very ticklish too which is so much fun. Oh, and he has a little temper. I nearly laughed my head off yesterday when he got mad at me while changing his clothes and swatted his hand at me saying, "yet!"; I realized he was trying to say "Nyet!"...my little boy has only been with me a few days and is already telling me "No!"...he should be able to hold his own at home without any problems at all!

Tomorrow (Wednesday) we head to our Embassy approved Doctor's appointment and then to the US Embassy on Thursday. Please pray that all goes well at the Embassy--especially since I am using Power of Attorney over Phil, etc. We fly out on Friday around 2:15pm Moscow time and will land in CA at 4:30pm. I'm not entirely sure how Ivan will do on the plane, but we did end up buying him a seat and I am so glad. Seriously, Aeroflot might be the smallest seat/ leg room airplane I have ever been on. At least this way we will have a bit of space between us to let Ivan move a tiny bit.

All in all, we are happy and peaceful. I am enjoying this time to get acquainted with Ivan. He is such a sweet little boy--and funny too. There is lots of laughter and many smiles...I am so, so thankful.

(Here are a few pictures from our court date...talk about Happy! Phil and I with the social worker/ Barrett with Natasha our translator. P.S.--Please note my Halloween outfit...every good Southern girl likes to dress for the holidays!)

Forever...

(It is very early on Sunday morning here)
Our day Saturday was wonderfully full. We woke up well rested from our best night of sleep, after being physically and emotionally exhausted from the court hearing on Friday. Phil and I headed out early with Natasha our translator to the passport/ visa building to apply for Ivan’s passport and pay the fine we owed for traveling on a business visa instead of an adoption visa. We literally sat around and waited for HOURS but in the end, accomplished both of our tasks there. Phil and I were “scolded” separately regarding the business visas. The tone of voice was not even stern, but when Natasha translated the officer’s words, “You have violated Russian law” Phil’s heart nearly stopped…He came out of the room and said, “Those were words I never imagined hearing in my lifetime…not words I really wanted to hear!” It was a seamless process and we left with excitement knowing that having Ivan’s passport would allow us to pick him up from the orphanage that day.

We went back to pick up Barrett and Clara (Barrett had apparently gotten worried about us since it took half the day to do our 1st errand) and headed to the grocery store to purchase some food and milk for Ivan. This was quite stressful for me honestly. I realized how little we really know about his schedule, likes, dislikes, allergies, etc. I felt so overwhelmed and ill equipped to be buying his food. Natasha kept asking me what I wanted to purchase and I kept saying, “I have no idea…honestly, no idea”. I am sure this gave her great confidence in my parenting skills, but she helped me and I took her advice. (Most of it…but I did pass on the jar of lamb baby food…lamb…I just couldn’t do it.)

The drive out to the orphanage seemed longer than ever. We were in a bit of traffic and it was later in the afternoon than we had ever been before. I was thankful for a quiet car as Phil and Barrett slept for most of the nearly 2 hour drive. (Clara and Natasha were in the other car).

I cried for much of the drive, not believing that THIS was the day we have been working towards and dreaming about. Ivan would leave the orphanage with us forever. He had slept his last night there. Eaten his last meal there. He would now come home with us to a new life, new family, new forever.

When the orphanage director brought him in, he was again nervous but warmed in time and allowed me to change his clothes and get him ready for our departure. I struggled through much of this time, feeling like my emotions were too big for my heart to contain. I was thankful, hopeful, sad, and heart-broken.


We took gifts to the caregivers, directors, and doctors. We also took the shoes Barrett had purchased. I imagined these exchanges to be tear-filled and memorable as I thanked them for their love and care for my son, but the items were delivered by Natasha while we waited for final papers to leave. We did have our moments of thanks, but the staff was quick to turn the thanks back to us and hurry us along.

I asked for permission to tour Ivan’s living quarters once again and take photographs this time. While not immediately thrilled with my seemingly presumptuous request, the orphanage director obliged. I am so glad I asked. That short walk will never be forgotten as I long as I live.

As we came to the bottom of the stairs, we turned a different way than I had gone on our first trp to see Ivan’s sleeping and play room. When I questioned, she told me that he was bigger now, he had moved to the side for the older children. It is law that you can’t see and certainly photograph any other children in the orphanage so I could hear that they had moved all of the children into a side room to stay out of my view.

We went first into the crib room, the nighttime sleeping room. Ivan’s afternoon caregiver was there waiting to show me which of the many cribs in the room was his. All of the cribs were numbered and as I looked around the room and tried to get it all into a photo, she waked over to a crib in the middle of many others and said, “This is Vanya’s crib. This is where he sleeps”. I almost couldn’t believe my eyes as I saw the number “7” on my sweet Ivan’s crib. “7” was Phil’s number in college and professional soccer for many years. Barrett now wears the “7” jersey and Maggie has worn the “7”… always to be like their Daddy. Ivan has also worn the “7”. He had a number “7” bib hanging in the bathroom and a number “7” sponge that he was cleaned with. He sat in chair “7” to eat and slept in crib “7”. Tender mercies from a loving God. Tender mercies.

Our farewell to the orphanage staff and especially Ivan’s afternoon caregiver proved to be overwhelmingly emotional. My heart sang with thanks and sorrow all at the same time as the caregiver asked to hold him and kiss him once more. Her tears were treasures I will hold in my heart forever. The director gave Barrett and Clara a small gift so they would “never forget Russia” and we were rushed out the door to the car while crying and waving just one last time.

The ride home was in the dark and Ivan was still as a mouse. So still in fact that a few times I put my hand firmly on his back to make sure he was breathing. He laid his head on my chest and firmly grasped one of my fingers for the entire ride home. With his other hand, he held one of Barrett’s fingers for the entire ride as well. Brothers. Ivan has a brother. A brother who worked for over a year to make this journey to the other side of the world to bring him home. A brother who could barely contain himself all morning waiting to go pick up his “little buddy”. A brother forever. The drive was almost silent. Peaceful. There were many prayers and thankful tears.

My cheeks hurt from smiling as I fed Ivan (he ate like a champ!) and watched him play after we returned. He is a smart and happy child…he “came alive” after only a short time here in the hotel room. I sponged him off with yummy baby soap and then did what I had been dying to do for so very long. I rubbed baby lotion on him and put him in a delicious footed sleeper and held him so tight. I didn’t want to put him to bed, but of course knew it was best. He has now been asleep all night, squirming a bit and quietly sucking him thumb, just like Maryn, Maggie, and Barrett all did.

I kept standing over the crib and staring at this precious gift. This miracle. We truly believe we are saving his life and as I looked down at his tiny body, sleeping soundly in he crib, I cried tears of praise over and over again. My heart kept simply saying, “Thank you Jesus. Thank you Jesus.”

I am sorry for the super long post, I just had to get this all out. A good cry at the computer has proven to be healing for my soul quite a few times in this process! We are heading to Moscow in a few hours on the train. I am honestly not ready to leave Nizhny yet. But what makes it good and sweet and beautiful is that this time, Ivan comes too!

Forever...

Today.

My life has been forever changed. I will never again see October 31 the same. Today, in a small court room up many flights of stairs, on a brisk day in Nizhny Novgorod, Russia, I became a mother of 4.

We have just returned from our court hearing where Ivan was pronounced Ivan Philip Wolf and part of our family forever! Court went smoothly. Barrett did wonderful sitting silently and ultimately I am convinced won favor from the judge for us.

After our speeches, the judge asked some questions, a few of them about Barrett. She was so impressed that he was there, behaving so perfectly. She asked how he felt about having a brother and if he had been able to meet Ivan. The Lord was so very present, giving us peace and calmness. We spoke clearly and without mistake. The judge smiled many times, especially when looking through our family photo album. There was an unexplainable calm in the court room--the Lord mabe Himself known.

As the end of court came, the Public Attorney granted her approval of the adoption, but did not give her consent to waive the 10 day waiting period. Our coordinators knew how much we were desiring this but had communicated that it is not common in Nizhny anymore and is unheard of in many other regions in Russia. Our hearts sank when the Attorney's words were translated. The judge left the room and I asked if the judge could disagree with the Attorney and waive the 10 days anyway. We were told that the judge had never disagreed with the Attorney before. I sat down, closed my eyes and began to pray. Although I will admit that I was nervous and worried, there was a much more dominant feeling of confidence upon my entire being.

Many months ago, one of our pastors shared the following passage with us: "The king's [ruler's] heart is in the hand of the LORD. Like the rivers of water; He turns it wherever He wishes." Proverbs 21:1. I am convinced that the Lord put this on our pastor's heart for us for this very moment. This is how I prayed.

Our translator was very nervous and upset. As I finished praying, I knew that the judge would waive the 10 days, even though the attorney had said No. From the beginning, this process has been evidence that it is the Lord who is at work and will receive all credit, not any woman or man. I knew that though this would be the first time it had ever happened this way, it could happen this way with the Lord at work. His mighty Hand moved.

The judge came back, waived the 10 days, and we were done. Parents of 4. Mommy and Daddy to Ivan forever. This day will never be forgotten. We left in a daze. Our coordinator and translator rushed out to complete the final steps of our adoption. Final steps.

We are set to pick up Ivan tomorrow!! We will spend one last day in NN and then head down to Moscow on Sunday. Phil and Barrett leave for CA on November 3rd and Clara, Ivan and I get to go home on November 7th!

This post is full of errors I am sure, and I know it is not very well-written, but I am busy and excited and overwhelmed. Thank you for your prayers! Here are just a few photos of us with Ivan yesterday...more to come SOON you can be sure!

Full

We have just returned from our visit with Ivan. There really are not words for what today held for us. I was nervous this morning before we left and even for the hour and half car ride to his orphanage. We sat down in the orphanage Director's office first and heard a medical update since we were last here. The anticipation was building and my patience was wearing very thin.

We were then taken in to the family meeting room where Ivan was waiting for Phil and I. That initial moment of seeing him was more than I expected. All of my anxiety and fear were washed away and joy took over. He looks mostly the same, with a tiny bit more hair but not much change in his size. After a few minutes with just Phil and I, we sent for Clara and Barrett to come in. Again, there are not words for these meetings. Barrett was great with him and he took to big brother very well. Thankfully I took another set of the same stacking cups he fell in love with on our first trip. Ivan and Barrett were precious playing build the tower and knock it over. Barrett also loved feeding him Cheerios which he really likes.

Ivan took to Clara also-it was such a special moment to hear her speaking Russian to him and introducing herself as his Babushka. He loved her glasses and jewelry and was all around very playful and interactive. Everyone in the orphanage LOVED her and is so excited that he will have a true Russian Babushka!

He is walking a bit now so that was fun to see. Still not entirely confident on his feet, he preferred to hold onto one of our hands to get around--contact we of course were thrilled with. Truly, the entire visit was rich and wonderful--we felt confident and at ease.

My mama's heart was filled to overflowing as Ivan fell asleep on me by the end of our visit. I have said many times that I think there is healing power in holding a sleeping baby...today that was even more true than ever before. Tears rolled down my cheek as my baby boy slept on my chest. I breathed him in and thanked the Lord for yet another tender act to my soul.

We are heading out now for a meeting to prepare for court tomorrow. Our court case is at 2pm which we have learned since being here is actually 4am in CA as Russia has switched to winter time already. We feel excited and hopeful. We will be sure to update right away after court.

I also want to share a wonderful thing we were able to witness and take part in today. I was asked by my new friend Tracy who adopted a little girl from Ivan's orphanage only a few months ago, to take a photo album of their little girl back to the orphanage to show them how well she was doing. The Director was thrilled and of course remembered the sweet little girl. She kept saying Thank you, Thank you very much, and was delighted to be able to keep the album and show the other caregivers. Thank you Tracy for allowing us a window into this miracle. I have photos of the Director looking at the book for you!

Tombs, Trains, and Lattes

Our day in Moscow was fabulous! The weather was wonderful, we got to see many things, and even enjoyed some familiar treats in this far away place. Our hotel in Moscow was excellent--we are so thankful for the Marriott points we were able to use there.

The highlight in Moscow was being in Red Square with Phil's mom, Clara. We had been walking around enjoying the sights and sounds of Moscow for a while already, but something about standing in front of St. Basil's Cathedral is huge and grounding. Clara stood there looking at the gorgeous building and with tears in her eyes said, "I never imagined I would be standing here again...With one of my sons...to bring home my 12th grandchild...I just can't believe I am really here". We are so glad she is here to share in this with us, and we are also thankful for her Russian which is helping us get directions, order our food, and buy groceries with a bit more confidence than our last trip.

We also went to "visit Lenin" as they say here. Now, this is creepy I will not lie. His body looks so strange in this dark, quiet dungeon of a tomb. Phil and I had wanted to "see him" on our last trip but it was busy and confusing and we ran out of time. This time, I was determined--it feels "once in a lifetime" to me. And I will not forget it. Perhaps the strangest thing I have seen, and very, very creepy. But also unforgettable.Starbucks and McDonalds helped Barrett feel safe and well fed. He has eaten french fries at nearly every meal so far I think. He also has a strong affection for pelimini, a ravioli type soup that Phil's mom has been spoiling us with for many years. Between the 2, I know he will always be well-fed here. (Not the mention the hefty stash of snacks and goodies we brought from home--a special thanks to Jamie for all of our favorites!)

After our morning in Moscow, we headed to the train station. Getting all of us in the train cabin with our luggage must have been a sight to behold. We did make it however and all took a rest in our very small, HOT train cabin. We were told that they lock the windows in the cold months...and the heat is on full blast. Everyone did great and we were thrilled to finally arrive in Nizhny around 7pm.

It is amazing how good and familiar everything feels here. We even saw some of the same hotel staff as our last trip--familiarity brings such comfort.

It is early in the morning here. We are waking up at strange hours, but also taking naps when needed so we feel rested. We head out to see Ivan in a few hours. I simply can't believe we are back and will be holding him again in such a short time. We are also tremendously thankful as our coordinator here said there is no problem with Barrett and Clara going to the orphanage with us--we are THRILLED with that as it was a question mark before we left to come. I am not even sure of all of my emotions about this visit honestly. There is such an unknown element about every single part of it. But we are going back to see our little man. We have been dreaming about this and praying for this and waiting for this. We are excited, nervous, ready, and peaceful. God is very near.

Thank you for your continued prayers.

Here

We are here in Moscow and all is well. Our flight was very smooth (although there is NO leg room on Aeroflot!) The direct flight to Moscow made such a difference. All of our luggage made it safely with us, and that is a special blessing as we were traveling with 11 suitcases plus carry-ons.

Now, before you flip out on our over packing, I need to tell you that only 5 of those were ours, the others are for Clara's cousin Nina and her family that live here in Moscow. I must admit my stress and a bit or irritation at all of this luggage. We were packed in our minivan like sardines, looked like a movie going into the airport and through security, and I had this nagging fear that we would be at the Moscow airport looking everywhere for Nina. This was not at all the case. Everything with the luggage went smoothly, we only had to pay $200 total to bring all of the extra bags, Nina and one of her sons Sasha were all smiles and spotted Clara right away. And they must have had to wait a while since passport control took FOREVER.

The smiles on Nina and Sasha were worth every bit of stress and headache. And we got to meet family...priceless.

And for the record, Barrett did AWESOME! His Nintendo DS lasted every minute he was awake on the plane. We are having a bit of a bummer as his DS won't charge even with the converter here for some reason. He will survive though, he is proving to be a wonderful traveler!
I am letting Phil, Clara, and Barrett sleep in for a FEW more minutes, (it is 6:30am here) but it is not easy for me to do so. I am so eager to get out and see the sights before our train ride this afternoon up to Nizhny Novgorod. We plan to see Red Square and Barrett has McDonald's in his mind (and maybe Starbucks too!)

We are missing Maggie and Maryn like crazy but had a wonderful surprise to get an email from Maggie this morning. Thanks to all who are sending messages, we are so thankful for the ability to stay in touch.

We will write more tonight after our full day.

With much love,
Phil, Melanie, Barrett, and Clara

The Crazy Place

I am living in the "Crazy Place". You know the place where you can't complete a logical sentence, can't remember what you went into the garage for, and can't finish ANYthing? That is where I am. I call it the Crazy Place. It is also the place where I get bizarre surges of "super productivity"--I clean out the garage, move all of the furniture out of the bedrooms to have the carpets cleaned, pack, unpack, and repack suitcases , do a million and one errands at super speed, and still have time for a nice warm bath in the wee hours of my quiet night. But all the while, in between my productive surges, I am in the crazy place. I forget to eat (actually I should say I forget to eat meals, I seem to have no problem remembering to eat peanut butter M&Ms and Hot Tamales!), am WAY TOO sensitive to sounds and distractions, and sometimes stare off into space.

People keep asking me if I am excited. In all truth, I am not. I am overwhelmed. I am happy, I feel peaceful, and hopeful, but I am not excited. Excited feels light and free, I feel nervous. I wonder what I have forgotten. I can't decide whether to wear pants and a twin set or a dress or a suit to court. (advice welcome here!), I look at my lists over and over again in hopes that something can be checked off. I feel a heaviness, a weight that recognizes how HUGE this trip is. Please don't misread my language here. I am overwhelmed with many things: emotion (lots of tears at lots of random moments), resolve, , thanks, and that sense that though what is ahead is massive and daunting, it is beautiful and worth every stress and headache. I think this is how I felt when I was being induced with each of my daughters too. I was ready for the end, but overwhelmed at the thought of how I had to get there. This is how I feel tonight.

But when I am wandering around my house feeling overwhelmed, trying to choose which task to tackle, I peek into "the boys' room". I sometimes even go sit and rock in the chair. I unfold and refold blankets, pajamas, and outfits. I imagine Ivan here. Ivan will come home to this crib in this room in this house,...MY HOUSE!! When I walk into this room, my craziness subsides, even just for a moment. I rest in the overwhelmed place, because what is ahead, what is at the end, is what we have been hoping and praying and dreaming about for many, many months. I find peace here. God is so good.
(PS- there are photos of Ivan in this photo that have his face missing...this is creepy I know. I only did it on the computer so I could post this photo...his face is very present and very cute on the photos that are actually IN his room!)

Progress

We are making some serious progress in our preparations for our departure in 6 days!

Flights and hotels are booked...yippee!
Visas are set to arrive Friday.
Most of the necessary items for little Ivan and ourselves have been purchased.
We have new, crisp bills (and more on the way)
The sheets are on the newly set up crib.
There are clothes in the adorable red dresser that has been waiting to be filled.
Toys came out of storage and were washed and put in new toy bins.
We are telling everyone who will listen what is JUST AROUND THE CORNER...

Our trip agenda as of right now is this (much is subject to change...be on the lookout for changes--I will post any that occur):
October 27: Flight to Moscow
October 28: Arrive Moscow and get some good rest
October 29: Tour Moscow a bit and catch the late afternoon train to Nizhny
October 30: Go to orphanage to visit Ivan
October 31: Court at 2pm Nizhny time (3am California time)
November 3: Phil and Barrett fly back to USA while Clara and I wait for all of the final waiting/ steps until we can bring Ivan home
November 14: Clara, Melanie, and Ivan fly HOME!

I am tired and still have LOTS of items on today's list to check off, but I will post again before we leave for sure.

Trick or Treat!

Do they trick-or-treat in Russia? This is the important question today in our family (for Barrett anyway).

We got a court date!! October 31!!

Things are CRAZY here. We have only known 1 hour and are feverishly preparing.

Look for updates soon and please be praying for all that needs to be accomplished in these next 2 weeks.

Tagged

Well, I have been "tagged". My assignment is to write six random facts about myself. Hmmmm...I can think of lots of very random (perhaps even strange) things...it is just about choosing which ones to share!
Rules:
1. Link to the person that tagged you.
2. Post the rules on the blog.
3. Write six random facts about yourself.
4. Tag six people at the end of your post.
5. Let each person know they have been tagged.
6. Let the taggers know when your "Six Random Things" entry is up.

1. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE old fashioned popcorn: the kind made in a WhirleyPopper with oil, salt and butter. It is my comfort food. Sometimes I eat it for dinner. I cry less if I eat popcorn.

2. I eat a lot of candy. More than is normal for a woman in her 30's.

3. I am a sucker for flavored coffee creamers. Pumpkin Spice, Peppermint, etc. They make me wake up nicer.

4. I have a weird sound issue--Noise makes me kind of crazy if I am trying to do anything else at all. Especially talk or listen.

5. I do not like rice in my burritos. Californians think I am strange. I do not think rice belongs in burritos. Ever.

6. I have a need to create: write, sew, bead, etc. It is healing to my soul. I need to do it more.

Now for my victims of this exposing little game:
Chrystal
Melissa
Ashley
Michelle
Katie
Lindsay

Filling it!

I took the plunge and ordered a baby sling. It was a bit of a monumental purchase for me as I have still not been buying much for little Ivan. But I felt ready to get my sling (and felt like I needed to practice a bit before the item was fully necessary to use). I have never had a sling before. But all of my cool mommy friends use slings now and I have read oodles of positive comments about using a sling to promote attachment in adoption. So I'm in the club now...I am planning to be a slinging mommy...we'll see if the little man and I grow as fond of it as everyone else seems to be.

Now, slings are as varied as ice cream flavors so you can be sure I had a bit of stress over which sling to order. I settled on a "hybrid ring sling" as it seemed to be a good "starter sling" and fairly easy to use. It arrived on Saturday and I was a bit overwhelmed but up for the challenge, so I scooped up my 3 and a half year old (who weighs A LOT more than Ivan) and took the sling for a..."sling-spin"! Maryn giggled the entire time and I got more comfortable in the different positions it can be used. (Well, "comfortable" is maybe a stretch. She is 40 pounds and that was a bit heavier than I would prefer the sling to be).

I thought about posting a picture of me with my small dog in the sling, but it is honestly a bit disturbing. Although closer in size to Ivan, again, disturbing and a bit damaging for my dog I fear! I am however posting a few pictures of my girls and the slings I made them. They simply could NOT go without them and begged me to order them one right away. I decided to do a bit of research and after finding a free pattern online and some fabric in my garage, we were all set. It was a fun project and each girl helped me sew their own. There have been lots of baby dolls taking rides on my sweet girls lately. They have love practicing being mommies. (Maryn actually prefers to carry small stuffed animals. Which is quite handy really as she is like a zoo-keeper these days...we honestly have kittens, puppies, elephants, a koala, and an assortment of other small cute things with us wherever we go. And please don't be concerned, they must ALL be buckled in seat belts in the car when we go anywhere. Literally. Like a traveling circus.)

So, I am gonna be a sling-Mommy and I am pretty stoked about that. My wise friend said the other day as she spoke affectionately of her super hip Mommy sling, "The only thing better than having it is filling it..." Amen!

More Waiting

Ivan has been "showing up" around our house. Today he appeared in Maryn's drawing of our family (also featuring the 'happy sun' and 'octopus in the sky'!). He is being mentioned in more and more conversations, prayers, story-telling, and even a few far-fetched excuses! Maggie brought home an "All About Me" poster today that listed that she has 2 brothers. I cried. When she saw my tears she said, "What mom? I do!"

I find myself saying I am a mother of "almost 4" (which evokes a few confused looks...sometimes I just smile...). I love that we talk about him. I can't wait until he can hear us.

Ivan also has a collection of clothes now--just essentials really--his super cozy snow suit for our time in Russia, some basic shirts, sweatpants, and a few delicious pajamas. I confess that I have a pajama problem. I love kids in p.j.'s...especially the footed sleeper kind...Ivan has some of those you can be sure.

We have no new news. We DID however complete our final documents needed for court (well, let's not say "final", that sounds too definite...I know all too well that is not likely true). We sent off the final things Nizhny was asking for, were re-fingerprinted for our I 171-H, and now are just waiting for the vacationing judge to assign us a court date. Someone asked me the other day where I thought a judge in Nizhny vacationed for 5 weeks...I think this is a good question to ponder. One friend even speculated that the judge could be here, in Southern California vacationing...perhaps we have seen her. (I hope I was having one of my good days if I did.) And I hope she was prepared for the oppressive heat we are having. MISERY. It really is bad--and it makes me a little nutty. October is for sweatshirts, pumpkin spice lattes, and yummy smelling candles. It is not fun to drink pumpkin spice lattes when it is 100 degrees outside. It should almost not be allowed :)

Wherever the judge finds herself (and I am quite certain that she is NOT in SoCal), I hope it is restful and refreshing. I hope she comes back ready and eager to get some kids to their forever homes. (And let's have Ivan be the first one, shall we?)

Prayers

In these L...O...N...G days of waiting during our adoption process--first to just begin our paperwork, then for our agency to get re-accredited, for us to get assigned to a region, then to be officially registered in that region, to receive a referral, then to finally travel to meet Ivan, and now to hear about a court date from Nizhny, there is little I can do but pray. For a "type A" like myself who likes to fix, figure out, and accomplish, this is torture. But I am learning to get comfortable in this place, the place of prayers.

Prayer has always been a central part of my relationship with God, an ever-growing part. I have been in prayer groups since college. I have led prayer groups (1 currently with 4 amazing college women). Prayer is something I am constantly desiring to learn more about. And do more. I know I need to pray more.

I have even gotten to speak on the topic of prayer a few times and what I always come to in my preparation, study, conversations, and even prayer about prayer is that if I really believed that God heard my prayers, my life would look very different. I would not worry. I would not stress. I would pray and hope and trust. Period.

Earlier this year, I came in contact with another adoptive parent. She has a gorgeous daughter from China and her accounts of praying for her little girl during their long process to adopt her helped me pray for Ivan. God opened my eyes and gave me ways to pray for Ivan specifically even before we met him. I pray for health of course, but also for his sleep, his birth parents, his caregivers. I pray that God would gently rock him back to sleep when he wakes up in the middle of the night. I pray that he can hear God singing sweetly over him and find comfort in the loving arms of God when he cries. I pray for his complete healing and restoration--I picture God's huge healing hands laying softly on each part of his body: his head and brain, muscles and organs, bones, limbs, and especially his little heart and soul. I ask the God who knit him in his birth mother's womb to carefully and precisely heal and restore him. And I know God hears me. I am believing that more and more each day.

Right now we are also praying for:

• Our final documents (recently expired) to be finished and sent to Russia.
• Fingerprint clearance extension for our I 171-H--we got an appointment TODAY and will go first thing in the morning! PRAISE GOD!
  
• Ivan's health--he is losing weight. He has lost 7 ounces since we were there and is already very small so that is concerning.
• To find favor with the judge in Nizhny so we can be invited to court soon.
• Details with our court trip--Melanie's mom is hoping to fly out to care for the girls; this trip is likely to fall during playoffs for Phil's coaching job; Barrett and Phil's mom plan to travel with us.
• Our adoption finances--we have quite a ways to go.
• God's healing peace for our agency, CHI--major restructuring has put strain on directors, staff, and adopting families.
  
• God to continue to prepare us to be Ivan's family.
• God to use our story and experience to encourage others and spread the word about adoption.

And as I mentioned, I know God hears. His answers already in our process have at times left me speechless. I sometimes go back through each of these answers, the little miracles where God richly blessed us, and I remind myself that He is the same God today. He continues to hear and He continues to answer. And I will continue to pray.

Baby Toes

We took a family outing last week. It is a fairly rare thing these days for us to all pile in the car and head somewhere together just for fun so it was a special treat.

Early in our adoption process we decided that we would purchase some things for the orphanage, specifically for the children who would remain there after we brought our little one home. Our kids were especially excited about this--dreaming of all of the legos, puzzles, and coloring books they would purchase and donate. We tried to encourage their giving hearts while also knowing that those were not likely things that would be needed or even wanted, especially in a baby house (or baby orphanage) like the one where Ivan lives.

During our first trip, we noticed that many of the "American" toys, or things we assumed were purchased in America, were on display in the family visitation room, the room where we met Ivan and where other families will go to meet their new sons and daughters. We realized that we needed to bring something terribly practical, useful for day to day life in an orphanage. While we were there, we brain-stormed and day-dreamed about what we could take, seeing Ivan's little feet gave us an idea.

Our first day visiting with him he had on tights under his pants. Royal blue tights that might have fit me if I had tried them on (OK, maybe not, but they did not fit him). They swallowed him, his feet literally swam in the extra fabric. On our second visit, we found him in two pairs of socks, one that fit and one that did not. Now I have a real thing for baby feet, for teeny tiny toes. I love to tickle them, smooch them and even take a delicious little nibble of the very bottom where they are so soft and smell like, well, baby feet.

We took Ivan's socks off most of the time we were with him, but I know that is not very popular in Russian orphanages. They love to bundle the little ones to keep them warm and protected from drafts. They always bundle their feet. It was then that I had an idea. What if we took some of those soft, leather baby shoes? What if we collected them and donated them for the children?

I pitched the idea to our kids once we were home and they loved it! Especially Barrett who has spear-headed the family fundraising efforts. One of the first things he had wanted to purchase after he bought his own plane ticket were some things for the orphanage. He decided to start with these:

Twelve pairs of soft, leather baby shoes that we think will be very practical for the children. Barrett had a blast choosing them (although his first-born nature was slightly stressed out with the size and decoration options). He paid for them himself, with money he had recently earned in a HUGE recycling run. It was priceless to see him pull the cash out of his zip-loc bag which reads, "for Russia". The check-out clerk was very impressed by his articulate response to the "What are you buying all of the shoes for?"question as he handed her the bills. "For my brother's orphanage in Russia" he responded with a proud grin. As she handed him his change she told him that her own brother was adopted too. Smiles, a nod, an instant bond.

I love these little shoes. I kind of have a thing for anything small, anything teeny and dainty. And I love these. But what I love most when I look at them is thinking of all of the teeny tiny baby toes that will fill them and be kept warm and cozy on even the chilliest days in Russia. I have been praying for all those teeny tiny toes, for health, love, and forever families that will tickle, smooch, and nibble their delicious little feet. I know not many of those toes will have forever families and that makes me very sad. But for now, I hope these little shoes will keep those precious baby toes safe and warm, as all baby toes should be.

Roller-coasters

I always thought I liked roller-coasters. I mean, I have liked them in the past. Even when I was young, I enjoyed the thrill, the take your breath away feeling, the at first forced and then uncontrollable laughter to keep from being terrified. Really, I have great memories of going on roller-coasters as a child and even as an adult.

What I do not like at all are emotional roller-coasters. This of course is on my mind because I am on one and I do not like it. I do not like the completely out of control and unstable feeling that goes along with it. I do not like opening each email with held breath unsure of whether the contents will make me leap for joy or fall down sobbing. I do not like the super highs followed by devastating lows and how literally crazy that makes me feel. A friend last night said to me, "You have not swallowed a crazy pill...things really ARE crazy right now..." This helps me some, but when I get right down to it, I am tired of crazy. I am tired of the roller-coaster.

As you may have guessed, the judge in Nizhny has gone on vacation. She will now be gone even longer than we were originally told. She did not assign us a court date before she left. When she returns in over a month, she will peruse our documents and if they are sufficient for her, she will invite us back. In the meantime, quite a few of those precious documents that cost me much time, effort, and money, will be "too old". I am not even sure how some of them will be re-done. We are out of favors with many (this will be the 3rd time for these docs) and our insurance will not pay for these superfluous forms, labs, appointments.

Our little man must wait even longer and so must we. The new projected time line falls at an even more inconvenient time. We must invest even more time, effort, and money--all of which are running a bit low these days. These are the low points. These are the places on the roller-coaster where it feels like you left your stomach on a high arch and you are now plummeting quickly to a low and shaky place where murky water may splash up. (YUCK!...where did that mental image come from?)

Tonight will hopefully be a higher point (see what I mean about the craziness of riding this thing?). Our house will be filled with bracelet-making friends who will play with the kids, eat yummy snacks graciously donated by a kind soul, and help us get a little closer to bringing Ivan home. Tonight I might be able to momentarily forget about low parts and hopefully enjoy the ride.

It is the middle of the night in Nizhny Novgorod right now. Ivan is asleep and unaware of how desperately hard we are trying to bring him home and how much our hearts ache for him. He is sleeping in his little white crib in the room where I stood on my last day with him. I pray that he is safe, warm, full, and well. I pray that he is dreaming of flowers and fields, playgrounds and swing sets, or many even the waves in the ocean. I can't wait to show him all of those places. And I kind of hope that someday he likes roller-coasters.

Bummed and Blessed

We have no news on a court date so that is a bummer, a big bummer. The judge is now on a month-long vacation (I am beginning to think that a Russian adoption judge is not the worst gig in the world!) so we just have to wait this out and see what happens. Wait. Wait. Wait. It is simply amazing how many times I use that word in reference to our adoption process...it MUST be the most frequently used word on adoption blogs: we all wait, wait, wait, and wait some more.

The truth is, I have been feeling a little "void of emotion"at times, very "IF we get a court date" and "IF we get to bring Ivan home" and I hate that. I try to "snap out of it" and get some positivity, but I struggle if I am honest. The wait takes it toll on my mind and my heart.

Well, today I received a major blessing! When I am bumming, I blog-stalk...I read and re-read blogs I love and seek out new ones. In an attempt to catch up on some I hadn't seen in a while, I re-found one I hadn't seen in months. Something in this blog quickly drew me in and I hadn't read very much of it so I decided to "look back" and try to get more of the story for this beautiful little girl who also was adopted from Russia. As I looked back through (she has been home 4 months), I realized that she was adopted from Nizhny Novgorod! I got so excited I commented on the blog right away in hopes to connect with this family to talk about Nizhny. As I looked further, I saw a photo they had taken of their little girl on their 2nd trip and I flipped out. She was sitting on a rug that is forever etched in my memory. I read a little more and sure enough, I knew without a doubt that she was from Ivan's orphanage!!!

I quickly commented (again) with my email address and the news I had discovered. Her mom and I emailed briefly and decided to chat on the phone. We talked for over an hour and it was fantastic! Their little girl is only 6 months older than Ivan, we feel certain that they were at the orphanage together for a time. We exchanged stories and a few photos via email and yet another blessing emerged. There is a photo display in the orphanage of some of the children who have been adopted and their daughter's photo is part of the display! The mom recognized her immediately and even saw that in the photo her little girl is holding onto her new mommy's hands! When I told my kids about the whole situation, Maggie looked at the little girl's photo and said with a grin, "She and Ivan were TOTALLY friends, I just know it!"

I can't explain what a bright spot in my day this was today. I have found a friend whose baby girl lived where my baby boy is. She has literally seen what I saw and stepped where I stepped. We have both been in the same room in this unforgettable pink building...only a few months apart. This is absolutely priceless, a treasure beyond words. I feel so blessed and am thrilled for all that is ahead.

Pressing On

Most of you know about our massive beading crusade I think. We (well actually our genius son Barrett) began making bracelets in May of 2007 to raise money towards our adoption. It started as Barrett's quest to raise enough money for his own plane ticket to Russia to "pick up" his new brother. Fifteen months and MANY blessings later, his then small craft project has become a major effort involving the time and energy of over 70 people to bring our little man home. (You can read all about the beginning of this project and some of the blessings along the way in earlier posts on this blog if you are interested).

Well, I decided to post about this effort again because I am trying to focus on "pressing on". We decided as a family that we would continue to make and sell bracelets as long as people would buy them. We are convinced that this has been an on-going answer to our prayers for the Lord to miraculously provide the finances for our adoption. We have been blown away by the support in our community and communities all over the U.S. I have had a few people ask lately if we were still making bracelets...and the answer is YES! Our family has continued to make them over the summer (many were crafted as we sat with trays on our laps during the Olympic coverage--perfect timing!), and we are also excited for the return of a wonderful weekly tradition where MANY bracelets are made.

We are tremendously blessed to work on a college campus and some of the students there have been the major work force behind this effort in recent months. We hold "bracelet night" at our house once a week where our home is filled with eager and able bodies who make bracelets, eat yummy treats, and share in this journey we are on. It has become a highlight for our family each and every week.

After a summer pause on the "bracelet night" crusade, students are returning to campus and are asking about our weekly gathering! I was not sure if the momentum would still be strong, but it is of course stronger than ever because they get to hear all about our visit with "little man" and are eager to meet him.

If you find yourself wanting a fun piece of jewelry with a great story, please know that you can still order them!! And there is a new hot product on the block too...the black and white "Made for An Angel" bracelet. There is ordering info on the side of our main blog site; please feel free to leave a comment if you have any questions or to place an order. (The photo here is actually of a kids' black and white--the adult would have more rows of beads, but you get the idea.)

We are excited about pressing (and beading!) on in this challenging (but VERY worth it) journey.

Ahhh Summer...

I am not sure what says summer better than swinging on a tree swing through the sprinkler... Today is our "last day of summer", school starts for the kids tomorrow. We'll celebrate tonight with a special dinner and dessert and wake up early for the big day...1st and 3rd grade...these are to be very significant years for us indeed!

It has been exactly 4 weeks since we boarded a plane to travel what felt like a million miles to meet little Ivan. Today has been a hard day for me. I think because it feels like an ending to such fun summer things, and the eve of great beginnings with school for the kids tomorrow, but no word at all on our process to bring Ivan home. The news we have gotten has been that there are more things needed before a court date can be assigned to us. Our in-country contact refuses to reply to our communications, furthering the confusion and mis-communications. I feel frustrated. I feel tired. I feel like there is a ticking time-bomb counting down the days and minutes to more (actually EVERY) expired documents, expired double entry visas, a country at war that must 'invite' us back, and a judge in Nizhny leaving for a month-long vacation.

I am striving for hope, but it is not coming very easily to me these days. I feel a physical ache, a literal pain in my chest when I look at a photo or video of Ivan...I miss that little man. And while that emotion accompanies an ache in my heart, it also represents such good things to me. I miss him because I met him, I held him, shared Cheerios with him, saw where he lives, watched him play, listened to him laugh, saw his adorable contagious smile, and now I miss him.