Prayers

In these L...O...N...G days of waiting during our adoption process--first to just begin our paperwork, then for our agency to get re-accredited, for us to get assigned to a region, then to be officially registered in that region, to receive a referral, then to finally travel to meet Ivan, and now to hear about a court date from Nizhny, there is little I can do but pray. For a "type A" like myself who likes to fix, figure out, and accomplish, this is torture. But I am learning to get comfortable in this place, the place of prayers.

Prayer has always been a central part of my relationship with God, an ever-growing part. I have been in prayer groups since college. I have led prayer groups (1 currently with 4 amazing college women). Prayer is something I am constantly desiring to learn more about. And do more. I know I need to pray more.

I have even gotten to speak on the topic of prayer a few times and what I always come to in my preparation, study, conversations, and even prayer about prayer is that if I really believed that God heard my prayers, my life would look very different. I would not worry. I would not stress. I would pray and hope and trust. Period.

Earlier this year, I came in contact with another adoptive parent. She has a gorgeous daughter from China and her accounts of praying for her little girl during their long process to adopt her helped me pray for Ivan. God opened my eyes and gave me ways to pray for Ivan specifically even before we met him. I pray for health of course, but also for his sleep, his birth parents, his caregivers. I pray that God would gently rock him back to sleep when he wakes up in the middle of the night. I pray that he can hear God singing sweetly over him and find comfort in the loving arms of God when he cries. I pray for his complete healing and restoration--I picture God's huge healing hands laying softly on each part of his body: his head and brain, muscles and organs, bones, limbs, and especially his little heart and soul. I ask the God who knit him in his birth mother's womb to carefully and precisely heal and restore him. And I know God hears me. I am believing that more and more each day.

Right now we are also praying for:

• Our final documents (recently expired) to be finished and sent to Russia.
• Fingerprint clearance extension for our I 171-H--we got an appointment TODAY and will go first thing in the morning! PRAISE GOD!
  
• Ivan's health--he is losing weight. He has lost 7 ounces since we were there and is already very small so that is concerning.
• To find favor with the judge in Nizhny so we can be invited to court soon.
• Details with our court trip--Melanie's mom is hoping to fly out to care for the girls; this trip is likely to fall during playoffs for Phil's coaching job; Barrett and Phil's mom plan to travel with us.
• Our adoption finances--we have quite a ways to go.
• God's healing peace for our agency, CHI--major restructuring has put strain on directors, staff, and adopting families.
  
• God to continue to prepare us to be Ivan's family.
• God to use our story and experience to encourage others and spread the word about adoption.

And as I mentioned, I know God hears. His answers already in our process have at times left me speechless. I sometimes go back through each of these answers, the little miracles where God richly blessed us, and I remind myself that He is the same God today. He continues to hear and He continues to answer. And I will continue to pray.

Baby Toes

We took a family outing last week. It is a fairly rare thing these days for us to all pile in the car and head somewhere together just for fun so it was a special treat.

Early in our adoption process we decided that we would purchase some things for the orphanage, specifically for the children who would remain there after we brought our little one home. Our kids were especially excited about this--dreaming of all of the legos, puzzles, and coloring books they would purchase and donate. We tried to encourage their giving hearts while also knowing that those were not likely things that would be needed or even wanted, especially in a baby house (or baby orphanage) like the one where Ivan lives.

During our first trip, we noticed that many of the "American" toys, or things we assumed were purchased in America, were on display in the family visitation room, the room where we met Ivan and where other families will go to meet their new sons and daughters. We realized that we needed to bring something terribly practical, useful for day to day life in an orphanage. While we were there, we brain-stormed and day-dreamed about what we could take, seeing Ivan's little feet gave us an idea.

Our first day visiting with him he had on tights under his pants. Royal blue tights that might have fit me if I had tried them on (OK, maybe not, but they did not fit him). They swallowed him, his feet literally swam in the extra fabric. On our second visit, we found him in two pairs of socks, one that fit and one that did not. Now I have a real thing for baby feet, for teeny tiny toes. I love to tickle them, smooch them and even take a delicious little nibble of the very bottom where they are so soft and smell like, well, baby feet.

We took Ivan's socks off most of the time we were with him, but I know that is not very popular in Russian orphanages. They love to bundle the little ones to keep them warm and protected from drafts. They always bundle their feet. It was then that I had an idea. What if we took some of those soft, leather baby shoes? What if we collected them and donated them for the children?

I pitched the idea to our kids once we were home and they loved it! Especially Barrett who has spear-headed the family fundraising efforts. One of the first things he had wanted to purchase after he bought his own plane ticket were some things for the orphanage. He decided to start with these:

Twelve pairs of soft, leather baby shoes that we think will be very practical for the children. Barrett had a blast choosing them (although his first-born nature was slightly stressed out with the size and decoration options). He paid for them himself, with money he had recently earned in a HUGE recycling run. It was priceless to see him pull the cash out of his zip-loc bag which reads, "for Russia". The check-out clerk was very impressed by his articulate response to the "What are you buying all of the shoes for?"question as he handed her the bills. "For my brother's orphanage in Russia" he responded with a proud grin. As she handed him his change she told him that her own brother was adopted too. Smiles, a nod, an instant bond.

I love these little shoes. I kind of have a thing for anything small, anything teeny and dainty. And I love these. But what I love most when I look at them is thinking of all of the teeny tiny baby toes that will fill them and be kept warm and cozy on even the chilliest days in Russia. I have been praying for all those teeny tiny toes, for health, love, and forever families that will tickle, smooch, and nibble their delicious little feet. I know not many of those toes will have forever families and that makes me very sad. But for now, I hope these little shoes will keep those precious baby toes safe and warm, as all baby toes should be.

Roller-coasters

I always thought I liked roller-coasters. I mean, I have liked them in the past. Even when I was young, I enjoyed the thrill, the take your breath away feeling, the at first forced and then uncontrollable laughter to keep from being terrified. Really, I have great memories of going on roller-coasters as a child and even as an adult.

What I do not like at all are emotional roller-coasters. This of course is on my mind because I am on one and I do not like it. I do not like the completely out of control and unstable feeling that goes along with it. I do not like opening each email with held breath unsure of whether the contents will make me leap for joy or fall down sobbing. I do not like the super highs followed by devastating lows and how literally crazy that makes me feel. A friend last night said to me, "You have not swallowed a crazy pill...things really ARE crazy right now..." This helps me some, but when I get right down to it, I am tired of crazy. I am tired of the roller-coaster.

As you may have guessed, the judge in Nizhny has gone on vacation. She will now be gone even longer than we were originally told. She did not assign us a court date before she left. When she returns in over a month, she will peruse our documents and if they are sufficient for her, she will invite us back. In the meantime, quite a few of those precious documents that cost me much time, effort, and money, will be "too old". I am not even sure how some of them will be re-done. We are out of favors with many (this will be the 3rd time for these docs) and our insurance will not pay for these superfluous forms, labs, appointments.

Our little man must wait even longer and so must we. The new projected time line falls at an even more inconvenient time. We must invest even more time, effort, and money--all of which are running a bit low these days. These are the low points. These are the places on the roller-coaster where it feels like you left your stomach on a high arch and you are now plummeting quickly to a low and shaky place where murky water may splash up. (YUCK!...where did that mental image come from?)

Tonight will hopefully be a higher point (see what I mean about the craziness of riding this thing?). Our house will be filled with bracelet-making friends who will play with the kids, eat yummy snacks graciously donated by a kind soul, and help us get a little closer to bringing Ivan home. Tonight I might be able to momentarily forget about low parts and hopefully enjoy the ride.

It is the middle of the night in Nizhny Novgorod right now. Ivan is asleep and unaware of how desperately hard we are trying to bring him home and how much our hearts ache for him. He is sleeping in his little white crib in the room where I stood on my last day with him. I pray that he is safe, warm, full, and well. I pray that he is dreaming of flowers and fields, playgrounds and swing sets, or many even the waves in the ocean. I can't wait to show him all of those places. And I kind of hope that someday he likes roller-coasters.

Bummed and Blessed

We have no news on a court date so that is a bummer, a big bummer. The judge is now on a month-long vacation (I am beginning to think that a Russian adoption judge is not the worst gig in the world!) so we just have to wait this out and see what happens. Wait. Wait. Wait. It is simply amazing how many times I use that word in reference to our adoption process...it MUST be the most frequently used word on adoption blogs: we all wait, wait, wait, and wait some more.

The truth is, I have been feeling a little "void of emotion"at times, very "IF we get a court date" and "IF we get to bring Ivan home" and I hate that. I try to "snap out of it" and get some positivity, but I struggle if I am honest. The wait takes it toll on my mind and my heart.

Well, today I received a major blessing! When I am bumming, I blog-stalk...I read and re-read blogs I love and seek out new ones. In an attempt to catch up on some I hadn't seen in a while, I re-found one I hadn't seen in months. Something in this blog quickly drew me in and I hadn't read very much of it so I decided to "look back" and try to get more of the story for this beautiful little girl who also was adopted from Russia. As I looked back through (she has been home 4 months), I realized that she was adopted from Nizhny Novgorod! I got so excited I commented on the blog right away in hopes to connect with this family to talk about Nizhny. As I looked further, I saw a photo they had taken of their little girl on their 2nd trip and I flipped out. She was sitting on a rug that is forever etched in my memory. I read a little more and sure enough, I knew without a doubt that she was from Ivan's orphanage!!!

I quickly commented (again) with my email address and the news I had discovered. Her mom and I emailed briefly and decided to chat on the phone. We talked for over an hour and it was fantastic! Their little girl is only 6 months older than Ivan, we feel certain that they were at the orphanage together for a time. We exchanged stories and a few photos via email and yet another blessing emerged. There is a photo display in the orphanage of some of the children who have been adopted and their daughter's photo is part of the display! The mom recognized her immediately and even saw that in the photo her little girl is holding onto her new mommy's hands! When I told my kids about the whole situation, Maggie looked at the little girl's photo and said with a grin, "She and Ivan were TOTALLY friends, I just know it!"

I can't explain what a bright spot in my day this was today. I have found a friend whose baby girl lived where my baby boy is. She has literally seen what I saw and stepped where I stepped. We have both been in the same room in this unforgettable pink building...only a few months apart. This is absolutely priceless, a treasure beyond words. I feel so blessed and am thrilled for all that is ahead.