6 months ago today, on July 29, 2008, we landed in Moscow, Russia eager to travel to Nizhny Novgorod, the city which held the tiny boy we had traveled to Russia to meet. I have been feeling very reflective and sentimental as I remember the days of our referral trip and relive some of the emotions I felt while in that far away land. And I am remembering the days leading up to this trip and feeling so thankful that I held on, or that God held onto me during what became a very trying time.
It seemed that every time hope eluded me during our adoption process, God came near. I love that He does that. I love that "just in the nick of time" He throws out a phone call, a letter, an email, a rainbow, a book, or a deep and quiet whisper that reminds me that He is not only near, but is and has been at work throughout all that seems scary, chaotic, and lonely.
On July 1, 2008, I went to see Brenda who worked for our adoption agency in a regional office near my parents' house. I was leaving on July 2 to head home to CA and was at the absolute end of myself with our process. We had been registered in NN for 5 months and had been "next" in line to receive a referral for much of that time. Our agency seemed to literally be falling apart at the seams as Russia program directors and family coordinators were coming and going faster than I could even keep us with. Families were leaving our agency. Families were pulling out of Russia all together and there was no word at all coming from NN.
I told Brenda that I was done. I had lost hope and lost trust and had tremendous doubt and frustration. We felt very led to our agency many months ago and had committed to stay with them. We felt like switching agencies or pulling out all together would be (in our specific case) forgetting that God had called us and would be faithful to finish what He had started. But then I began to doubt that. I became allured by the quick referrals and glowing reports that were coming from other families in other places.
I cried a lot with Brenda. I vented. She listened and answered my questions with confidence and empathy. I told her I didn't know if I (we) could stick it out. I told her I had lost my hope somwhere in the months leading up to our meeting. She handed me kleenex and let me panic and stress and even grieve what was happening. And then she spoke words that were the "lifelines" from the Lord that I needed. She said that often times she had seen families get "the call" just as they had come to the end of themselves, when they were about to give up or jump ship or close the pages of the dream all together. She said she hoped we could hold on.
I drove back to my parents' house feeling sad and embarrassed and a little bit hopeful. I felt like the Lord was urging me to press on, to hold fast. I had many examples of people who had endured far more and had much more hope and faith in the process. I shared the details of the meeting with Phil and said I felt like we did need to press on and hold fast, that the end was near.
And near it was. Only 6 days after this meeting with Brenda, we received our referral. The referral with the HUGE lifelines of hope for us. His name was Ivan, the name of a Russian martyr whose biography I had just finished reading. He was born to an 18 year old girl, the same age as many of the students I work with each and every day. And he was born in April 2007, perhaps one of the hardest months of our married life and a time of much questioning and crying out to the Lord. It was also the month that we re-committed to our adoption process, (actually on Ivan's birthday we would later find out!), after a few months of putting it on hold for some possible job changes, etc.
And on July 8, my birthday, I called our agency to say YES! we would travel to meet little Ivan. The days that followed were emotional and busy. I felt like I was living in a tornado of papers, details, travel plans, suitcases, looming questions, and almost more excitement than my heart could manange to contain. The day was here...finally here. We had held on and are now forever grateful that we did.
6 months ago we landed in Russia, quickly confornted with the sights and sounds of a country that seemed completely unaware of us or the purpose for our travel. We boarded a train to Nizhny Novgorod and fell into a fitful sleep in the city we had been desperatley waiting to visit. The few days that followed changed our lives forever. They changed me. I will never forget. I am committed to remember.
It seemed that every time hope eluded me during our adoption process, God came near. I love that He does that. I love that "just in the nick of time" He throws out a phone call, a letter, an email, a rainbow, a book, or a deep and quiet whisper that reminds me that He is not only near, but is and has been at work throughout all that seems scary, chaotic, and lonely.
On July 1, 2008, I went to see Brenda who worked for our adoption agency in a regional office near my parents' house. I was leaving on July 2 to head home to CA and was at the absolute end of myself with our process. We had been registered in NN for 5 months and had been "next" in line to receive a referral for much of that time. Our agency seemed to literally be falling apart at the seams as Russia program directors and family coordinators were coming and going faster than I could even keep us with. Families were leaving our agency. Families were pulling out of Russia all together and there was no word at all coming from NN.
I told Brenda that I was done. I had lost hope and lost trust and had tremendous doubt and frustration. We felt very led to our agency many months ago and had committed to stay with them. We felt like switching agencies or pulling out all together would be (in our specific case) forgetting that God had called us and would be faithful to finish what He had started. But then I began to doubt that. I became allured by the quick referrals and glowing reports that were coming from other families in other places.
I cried a lot with Brenda. I vented. She listened and answered my questions with confidence and empathy. I told her I didn't know if I (we) could stick it out. I told her I had lost my hope somwhere in the months leading up to our meeting. She handed me kleenex and let me panic and stress and even grieve what was happening. And then she spoke words that were the "lifelines" from the Lord that I needed. She said that often times she had seen families get "the call" just as they had come to the end of themselves, when they were about to give up or jump ship or close the pages of the dream all together. She said she hoped we could hold on.
I drove back to my parents' house feeling sad and embarrassed and a little bit hopeful. I felt like the Lord was urging me to press on, to hold fast. I had many examples of people who had endured far more and had much more hope and faith in the process. I shared the details of the meeting with Phil and said I felt like we did need to press on and hold fast, that the end was near.
And near it was. Only 6 days after this meeting with Brenda, we received our referral. The referral with the HUGE lifelines of hope for us. His name was Ivan, the name of a Russian martyr whose biography I had just finished reading. He was born to an 18 year old girl, the same age as many of the students I work with each and every day. And he was born in April 2007, perhaps one of the hardest months of our married life and a time of much questioning and crying out to the Lord. It was also the month that we re-committed to our adoption process, (actually on Ivan's birthday we would later find out!), after a few months of putting it on hold for some possible job changes, etc.
And on July 8, my birthday, I called our agency to say YES! we would travel to meet little Ivan. The days that followed were emotional and busy. I felt like I was living in a tornado of papers, details, travel plans, suitcases, looming questions, and almost more excitement than my heart could manange to contain. The day was here...finally here. We had held on and are now forever grateful that we did.
6 months ago we landed in Russia, quickly confornted with the sights and sounds of a country that seemed completely unaware of us or the purpose for our travel. We boarded a train to Nizhny Novgorod and fell into a fitful sleep in the city we had been desperatley waiting to visit. The few days that followed changed our lives forever. They changed me. I will never forget. I am committed to remember.
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3 comments:
I have been registered for 5.5 months and have had a horrible week that sounds alot like your week before the referal. I too feel like God is telling us to hold on he will finish what he started thank you I needed to read your post!!!!
A beautiful post. I am so glad I found your blog again. Thanks for commenting on our blog. :0) I read your blog once while we were still with the agency you used (yeah, we were one of the families that jumped ship) about the time your son started his fund raising idea so he could travel with you. That was so sweet and really touched my heart. I wondered what happened with your story and after finally catching up I am so thrilled for your family. Ivan is a true blessing from God.
Thanks for sharing your story. It is amazing how God works miracles and often when we are at the end of our ropes. I'm so thankful that God worked out all details (even Ivan's birthday). What a blessing!!
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