Pressing On

Most of you know about our massive beading crusade I think. We (well actually our genius son Barrett) began making bracelets in May of 2007 to raise money towards our adoption. It started as Barrett's quest to raise enough money for his own plane ticket to Russia to "pick up" his new brother. Fifteen months and MANY blessings later, his then small craft project has become a major effort involving the time and energy of over 70 people to bring our little man home. (You can read all about the beginning of this project and some of the blessings along the way in earlier posts on this blog if you are interested).

Well, I decided to post about this effort again because I am trying to focus on "pressing on". We decided as a family that we would continue to make and sell bracelets as long as people would buy them. We are convinced that this has been an on-going answer to our prayers for the Lord to miraculously provide the finances for our adoption. We have been blown away by the support in our community and communities all over the U.S. I have had a few people ask lately if we were still making bracelets...and the answer is YES! Our family has continued to make them over the summer (many were crafted as we sat with trays on our laps during the Olympic coverage--perfect timing!), and we are also excited for the return of a wonderful weekly tradition where MANY bracelets are made.

We are tremendously blessed to work on a college campus and some of the students there have been the major work force behind this effort in recent months. We hold "bracelet night" at our house once a week where our home is filled with eager and able bodies who make bracelets, eat yummy treats, and share in this journey we are on. It has become a highlight for our family each and every week.

After a summer pause on the "bracelet night" crusade, students are returning to campus and are asking about our weekly gathering! I was not sure if the momentum would still be strong, but it is of course stronger than ever because they get to hear all about our visit with "little man" and are eager to meet him.

If you find yourself wanting a fun piece of jewelry with a great story, please know that you can still order them!! And there is a new hot product on the block too...the black and white "Made for An Angel" bracelet. There is ordering info on the side of our main blog site; please feel free to leave a comment if you have any questions or to place an order. (The photo here is actually of a kids' black and white--the adult would have more rows of beads, but you get the idea.)

We are excited about pressing (and beading!) on in this challenging (but VERY worth it) journey.

Ahhh Summer...

I am not sure what says summer better than swinging on a tree swing through the sprinkler... Today is our "last day of summer", school starts for the kids tomorrow. We'll celebrate tonight with a special dinner and dessert and wake up early for the big day...1st and 3rd grade...these are to be very significant years for us indeed!

It has been exactly 4 weeks since we boarded a plane to travel what felt like a million miles to meet little Ivan. Today has been a hard day for me. I think because it feels like an ending to such fun summer things, and the eve of great beginnings with school for the kids tomorrow, but no word at all on our process to bring Ivan home. The news we have gotten has been that there are more things needed before a court date can be assigned to us. Our in-country contact refuses to reply to our communications, furthering the confusion and mis-communications. I feel frustrated. I feel tired. I feel like there is a ticking time-bomb counting down the days and minutes to more (actually EVERY) expired documents, expired double entry visas, a country at war that must 'invite' us back, and a judge in Nizhny leaving for a month-long vacation.

I am striving for hope, but it is not coming very easily to me these days. I feel a physical ache, a literal pain in my chest when I look at a photo or video of Ivan...I miss that little man. And while that emotion accompanies an ache in my heart, it also represents such good things to me. I miss him because I met him, I held him, shared Cheerios with him, saw where he lives, watched him play, listened to him laugh, saw his adorable contagious smile, and now I miss him.

Vanya

Back in early 2008, I ordered a book titled Vanya. It was a bit of an impulse buy when I am honest. It came to me on Amaz0n as a recommended book because of my affinity for biographies and autobiographies of other Christians. I absolutely love to read the accounts of women and men of faith--their stories inspire me.

I picked up Vanya a few times and started it, but never got very far. It is not that I wasn't interested, there were just other books on my bedside table that seemed a little more pressing to read. Vanya is the true story of a soldier in the Soviet Red Army who endured two years of horrid persecution, torture , and incarceration for his faith in the 1970s. The accounts of his bold stand for his faith in the living God are unforgettable. Vanya was eventually martyred (the back cover of the book gives away this fact as well...I am not spoiling anything I promise!), but only after experiencing amazing miracles in his own life and the life of those around him as he prayed for them and God answered in unbelievable ways.

When I finally picked the book up on my visit to see family in Tennessee this summer, I literally couldn't put it down. I finished it on July 2nd while flying home to CA and managed to read the final paragraphs while walking off the plane with luggage in my arms. I told and re-told so many of the stories in this book so many times, that even my kids can recount what God did in and through the life of Vanya. My oldest, Barrett, has asked when I will let him read this book that has quickly risen to my favorites list. I have ordered extra copies and passed them to close friends. This book inspired me, it increased my faith, and it enlarged my view of a mighty and powerful God. It challenged my prayer life and drew my heart closer to the One who answers.

When I received "the call" from our agency on July 7th to learn about our referral for a little boy named Ivan, I was overcome. So many things raced through my mind and my heart in those unforgettable moments. I remember writing the few facts about Ivan down and even re-tracing them as the reality sunk in. I shared the few details with Phil, and then with tear-filled eyes told him: "Vanya's real name was Ivan".

Vanya is the story of Ivan Moiseyev. "Vanya" is the popular nickname for Ivan in Russia. "Vanya" is the nickname for our little Ivan as well. Each time the caregiver or our translator referred to him, they called him "Vanya", and every time I heard that name, I remembered the life-changing story of Ivan Moiseyev, fresh on my mind and impressed upon my heart forever.

I believe God led me to purchase that book many months ago, to set it back down on my bedside table on a few occasions, and then to read it only days before we would learn about another little "Vanya" to remind me that He is here! He is the living God, the God who heals, who sees, who saves, and who works miracles in the lives of those who call upon Him. While I don't know the end of the story of this "little Vanya", I do know that the living God who radically moved in the life of Ivan Moiseyev is the same God I love and serve today.

I hope you'll read this incredible book, and when you do, would you please utter a prayer to the Living God for our little Vanya too?

Couldn't Resist!!

Please look at these 2 super cute outfits I simply couldn't pass up...they were literally made for me I think (...well OK, they won't actually fit ME...).

Really Ready

We have been home for 5 days and it seems like 5 hours and 5 weeks all at the same time. We have re-adjusted to West Coast time and are feeling a bit further along in the whole "processing" of our time in Nizhny with Ivan and the visit to Russia as a whole.

Here is what I have concluded: Someone could have told me every single thing that would happen on each day we were there, and I still would not have been fully prepared. I was well-read, well-blogged (you know what I mean), had asked many questions of professionals and other adopting families, and still, was not "really ready". I don't know what could have prepared me for the emotional roller-coaster, mental & physical exhaustion, and spiritual struggle that I experienced...perhaps part of this whole deal is that I wasn't supposed to be really ready. As I think back on my 10 year marriage to Phil, we weren't really ready until we had to be--at each step-- job-changes, the birth of a child, loss of a parent, moves, etc. Part of grace is not knowing all that lies ahead I believe. If we knew it all, I'm not sure we'd press on. We'd give up, veer off the chosen path, and bow out for an easier way. But in His perfect grace, God only reveals what we must know for the present, the rest comes in good time.

As I think about our trip, there are many highs and then many tear-filled memories, some of them actually the exact same experiences. We watched the videos we took of Ivan last night with our other kids. They loved seeing him crawl, play, smile, and laugh. There is a moment in the video during our last visit with him when I am holding him on my knees, facing me. We are sitting on the floor and I am "stealing kisses" from the sweet little spot on his neck, just behind his ears. He is smiling. And then we "catch eyes". He looks right at me and as I whisper to him and lean in to steal another smooch, he touches his forehead to mine and makes a precious little sound. He is trying to talk to me, with our eyes only an inch or so apart, and I remembered every millisecond of the interaction. Nothing could have prepared me for that. No one could have told me what it would feel like to live or even re-watch such a tender moment.

It was good for me to watch it again honestly. As much as I don't want to admit it, my heart remains guarded. I feel like a crazy person as I flutter around between excited, scared, hopeful, filled with joy, and then also at times filled with doubt. I LOVE showing off my photo brag book of his sweet little face and our visits with him; I love remembering and recounting each day of our trip and what it felt like to hold him, watch him, and then eventually to leave him.

The hope is that we will return in mid-October for our court date (which is yet to be assigned). The judge in Nizhny will be on vacation from Sept. 8-Oct. 8 so our hope is to get assigned a court date prior to her departure, and then to actually have our court date be just as she returns. This feels good to us. We were expecting a "few" months, knowing that nothing is certain when it comes to adoption and to Russia. We remain hopeful that God will make a way for us. We continue to pray that He will open and close doors in His perfect time and perfect plan. There are days when I do really great with all of this, and days when I do not. There are days when I cry a lot, and days when I don't cry at all. I am "fragile" I say. I think this is a state of being I (and my family!) might have to get used to for a while.

We recently had some wonderful moments with dear friends who prayed with us, shared visions they've had, and blessed our sweet little boy half-a-world away. It is in moments like these when I feel most hopeful, most joyful, and most trusting of my God. The enormous leap of faith that this requires of me is perhaps the thing most overwhelming at any given moment. As I have mentioned in this blog before, I read from Streams in the Desert and am blessed daily by the truth this classic devotional holds. While we were in Nizhny, there were 2 entires that ministered to my soul in powerful days. They were of course July 31 and Aug 1, the days of our 2nd and 3rd visits with Ivan. Both spoke of God's guidance and His complete trustworthiness. One was even mentioned in the blog of a fellow sojourner while we read from our hotel room in Nizhny on an emotionally draining morning. God has been very near and very tender to my fragile soul. I will share more details of those stories in coming posts.

Goodnight for now.

Huge Grace

6:30pm Saturday, Aug.2 (Moscow, Russia)

I imagined updating our blog more often...the days just race by I guess. It is hard to believe that we are closing in on our departure from Russia and will soon be headed back to California...hard to believe but REALLY good nonetheless.

We are in Moscow right now, we arrived early this AM after a night train from Nizhny. We were hoping to drop our luggage here at our wonderful hotel and "kill some time" walking to Red Square and historical Arbat Street. We got to our hotel before 7am and were beyond thrilled when they let us check into our room 8 hours early!! I nearly cried honestly...it was such a surprising blessing. I took a long bath, read for a while, and just relaxed. It was so nice to have this time to refresh and rest a bit before heading out on our day of sightseeing and walking more than 10 miles!

We had a great time seeing St. Basil's Cathedral, Red Square, The Kremlin, and many other impressively huge buildings. We are absolutely amazed at the vastness of Moscow. It is like nothing I have ever seen in my life.

Our visit with "Little Man" yesterday was great. He was so fun and playful...we smiled and laughed the entire visit I think. We also got to speak with the orphanage Dr. again and got some additional information about him which was very helpful. We have been very concerned with his "smallness"--not in and of itself, but he has stopped gaining weight (in the last 2 months) and had only gained a small amount in the 2 months prior to that. This was alarming to us and our IA specialist back in the US. We were able to get his last blood work writeup (from mid-July) and our IA Dr. believes he may be anemic which could account for his weight not increasing recently. This was a huge relief. We got to observe him in his "play group" and speak with his day-time caregiver who could not say enough about his good eating and sleeping habits. Our translator even laughed at one point and said, "Guys, she is very impressed with him, she is going on and on..." (By the way, our translator says, "Guys..." somewhere in every sentence...it's a kick!)

Anyhow, we ended our visit filled with tears. We left him a blanket, a small photo album of our house, family, etc. and the "Build-A-Bear" our family made for him a few weeks ago. We recorded our voices into it with the kids and "Little Man" and the orphanage staff thought that was pretty great. I was a wreck as we left--it seemed to come so fast...it felt like time was slipping away. I couldn't soak it all in, I wanted to remember everything but struggled to process what my eyes were seeing and my heart was feeling. As we walked down the stairs and out the front door of the orphanage, I wept. I couldn't pull myself together. But as we rounded the corner and looked back through the large iron gate that marks the orphanage grounds, a deep peace accompanied my broken heart. A peace that God was at work. He has been reminding me that He has gone before us, will continue to guide us, and will continue to protect, heal and bless our little boy who we had to leave behind. God does not have to leave him. He stays, as He always has.

We have decided to keep "Little Man's" given name, Ivan, which means "God is gracious". This entire process has been an experience of God's immense grace. And we'll give him the middle name Philip, after his new daddy who traveled half way around the world to meet him and will come back in a few months to bring him home. Ivan Philip. The grace of God and the love of a father...I couldn't want anything more for my son.

As I close out this post, it feels like I am closing out the whole experience here, and that feels almost as huge of a task as this massive city where I write from. These have been some of the hardest days of my life. I do not really have the words for all that I have seen and experienced, it will take me some time to process all of this. But I do know that God has showered His blessings on us in this far-away land. He has reminded us of His grace in more ways than I can recount. God is gracious indeed.