The Crazy Place

I am living in the "Crazy Place". You know the place where you can't complete a logical sentence, can't remember what you went into the garage for, and can't finish ANYthing? That is where I am. I call it the Crazy Place. It is also the place where I get bizarre surges of "super productivity"--I clean out the garage, move all of the furniture out of the bedrooms to have the carpets cleaned, pack, unpack, and repack suitcases , do a million and one errands at super speed, and still have time for a nice warm bath in the wee hours of my quiet night. But all the while, in between my productive surges, I am in the crazy place. I forget to eat (actually I should say I forget to eat meals, I seem to have no problem remembering to eat peanut butter M&Ms and Hot Tamales!), am WAY TOO sensitive to sounds and distractions, and sometimes stare off into space.

People keep asking me if I am excited. In all truth, I am not. I am overwhelmed. I am happy, I feel peaceful, and hopeful, but I am not excited. Excited feels light and free, I feel nervous. I wonder what I have forgotten. I can't decide whether to wear pants and a twin set or a dress or a suit to court. (advice welcome here!), I look at my lists over and over again in hopes that something can be checked off. I feel a heaviness, a weight that recognizes how HUGE this trip is. Please don't misread my language here. I am overwhelmed with many things: emotion (lots of tears at lots of random moments), resolve, , thanks, and that sense that though what is ahead is massive and daunting, it is beautiful and worth every stress and headache. I think this is how I felt when I was being induced with each of my daughters too. I was ready for the end, but overwhelmed at the thought of how I had to get there. This is how I feel tonight.

But when I am wandering around my house feeling overwhelmed, trying to choose which task to tackle, I peek into "the boys' room". I sometimes even go sit and rock in the chair. I unfold and refold blankets, pajamas, and outfits. I imagine Ivan here. Ivan will come home to this crib in this room in this house,...MY HOUSE!! When I walk into this room, my craziness subsides, even just for a moment. I rest in the overwhelmed place, because what is ahead, what is at the end, is what we have been hoping and praying and dreaming about for many, many months. I find peace here. God is so good.
(PS- there are photos of Ivan in this photo that have his face missing...this is creepy I know. I only did it on the computer so I could post this photo...his face is very present and very cute on the photos that are actually IN his room!)