Roller-coasters

I always thought I liked roller-coasters. I mean, I have liked them in the past. Even when I was young, I enjoyed the thrill, the take your breath away feeling, the at first forced and then uncontrollable laughter to keep from being terrified. Really, I have great memories of going on roller-coasters as a child and even as an adult.

What I do not like at all are emotional roller-coasters. This of course is on my mind because I am on one and I do not like it. I do not like the completely out of control and unstable feeling that goes along with it. I do not like opening each email with held breath unsure of whether the contents will make me leap for joy or fall down sobbing. I do not like the super highs followed by devastating lows and how literally crazy that makes me feel. A friend last night said to me, "You have not swallowed a crazy pill...things really ARE crazy right now..." This helps me some, but when I get right down to it, I am tired of crazy. I am tired of the roller-coaster.

As you may have guessed, the judge in Nizhny has gone on vacation. She will now be gone even longer than we were originally told. She did not assign us a court date before she left. When she returns in over a month, she will peruse our documents and if they are sufficient for her, she will invite us back. In the meantime, quite a few of those precious documents that cost me much time, effort, and money, will be "too old". I am not even sure how some of them will be re-done. We are out of favors with many (this will be the 3rd time for these docs) and our insurance will not pay for these superfluous forms, labs, appointments.

Our little man must wait even longer and so must we. The new projected time line falls at an even more inconvenient time. We must invest even more time, effort, and money--all of which are running a bit low these days. These are the low points. These are the places on the roller-coaster where it feels like you left your stomach on a high arch and you are now plummeting quickly to a low and shaky place where murky water may splash up. (YUCK!...where did that mental image come from?)

Tonight will hopefully be a higher point (see what I mean about the craziness of riding this thing?). Our house will be filled with bracelet-making friends who will play with the kids, eat yummy snacks graciously donated by a kind soul, and help us get a little closer to bringing Ivan home. Tonight I might be able to momentarily forget about low parts and hopefully enjoy the ride.

It is the middle of the night in Nizhny Novgorod right now. Ivan is asleep and unaware of how desperately hard we are trying to bring him home and how much our hearts ache for him. He is sleeping in his little white crib in the room where I stood on my last day with him. I pray that he is safe, warm, full, and well. I pray that he is dreaming of flowers and fields, playgrounds and swing sets, or many even the waves in the ocean. I can't wait to show him all of those places. And I kind of hope that someday he likes roller-coasters.