We have been home for 5 days and it seems like 5 hours and 5 weeks all at the same time. We have re-adjusted to West Coast time and are feeling a bit further along in the whole "processing" of our time in Nizhny with Ivan and the visit to Russia as a whole.
Here is what I have concluded: Someone could have told me every single thing that would happen on each day we were there, and I still would not have been fully prepared. I was well-read, well-blogged (you know what I mean), had asked many questions of professionals and other adopting families, and still, was not "really ready". I don't know what could have prepared me for the emotional roller-coaster, mental & physical exhaustion, and spiritual struggle that I experienced...perhaps part of this whole deal is that I wasn't supposed to be really ready. As I think back on my 10 year marriage to Phil, we weren't really ready until we had to be--at each step-- job-changes, the birth of a child, loss of a parent, moves, etc. Part of grace is not knowing all that lies ahead I believe. If we knew it all, I'm not sure we'd press on. We'd give up, veer off the chosen path, and bow out for an easier way. But in His perfect grace, God only reveals what we must know for the present, the rest comes in good time.
As I think about our trip, there are many highs and then many tear-filled memories, some of them actually the exact same experiences. We watched the videos we took of Ivan last night with our other kids. They loved seeing him crawl, play, smile, and laugh. There is a moment in the video during our last visit with him when I am holding him on my knees, facing me. We are sitting on the floor and I am "stealing kisses" from the sweet little spot on his neck, just behind his ears. He is smiling. And then we "catch eyes". He looks right at me and as I whisper to him and lean in to steal another smooch, he touches his forehead to mine and makes a precious little sound. He is trying to talk to me, with our eyes only an inch or so apart, and I remembered every millisecond of the interaction. Nothing could have prepared me for that. No one could have told me what it would feel like to live or even re-watch such a tender moment.
It was good for me to watch it again honestly. As much as I don't want to admit it, my heart remains guarded. I feel like a crazy person as I flutter around between excited, scared, hopeful, filled with joy, and then also at times filled with doubt. I LOVE showing off my photo brag book of his sweet little face and our visits with him; I love remembering and recounting each day of our trip and what it felt like to hold him, watch him, and then eventually to leave him.
The hope is that we will return in mid-October for our court date (which is yet to be assigned). The judge in Nizhny will be on vacation from Sept. 8-Oct. 8 so our hope is to get assigned a court date prior to her departure, and then to actually have our court date be just as she returns. This feels good to us. We were expecting a "few" months, knowing that nothing is certain when it comes to adoption and to Russia. We remain hopeful that God will make a way for us. We continue to pray that He will open and close doors in His perfect time and perfect plan. There are days when I do really great with all of this, and days when I do not. There are days when I cry a lot, and days when I don't cry at all. I am "fragile" I say. I think this is a state of being I (and my family!) might have to get used to for a while.
We recently had some wonderful moments with dear friends who prayed with us, shared visions they've had, and blessed our sweet little boy half-a-world away. It is in moments like these when I feel most hopeful, most joyful, and most trusting of my God. The enormous leap of faith that this requires of me is perhaps the thing most overwhelming at any given moment. As I have mentioned in this blog before, I read from Streams in the Desert and am blessed daily by the truth this classic devotional holds. While we were in Nizhny, there were 2 entires that ministered to my soul in powerful days. They were of course July 31 and Aug 1, the days of our 2nd and 3rd visits with Ivan. Both spoke of God's guidance and His complete trustworthiness. One was even mentioned in the blog of a fellow sojourner while we read from our hotel room in Nizhny on an emotionally draining morning. God has been very near and very tender to my fragile soul. I will share more details of those stories in coming posts.
Goodnight for now.
Here is what I have concluded: Someone could have told me every single thing that would happen on each day we were there, and I still would not have been fully prepared. I was well-read, well-blogged (you know what I mean), had asked many questions of professionals and other adopting families, and still, was not "really ready". I don't know what could have prepared me for the emotional roller-coaster, mental & physical exhaustion, and spiritual struggle that I experienced...perhaps part of this whole deal is that I wasn't supposed to be really ready. As I think back on my 10 year marriage to Phil, we weren't really ready until we had to be--at each step-- job-changes, the birth of a child, loss of a parent, moves, etc. Part of grace is not knowing all that lies ahead I believe. If we knew it all, I'm not sure we'd press on. We'd give up, veer off the chosen path, and bow out for an easier way. But in His perfect grace, God only reveals what we must know for the present, the rest comes in good time.
As I think about our trip, there are many highs and then many tear-filled memories, some of them actually the exact same experiences. We watched the videos we took of Ivan last night with our other kids. They loved seeing him crawl, play, smile, and laugh. There is a moment in the video during our last visit with him when I am holding him on my knees, facing me. We are sitting on the floor and I am "stealing kisses" from the sweet little spot on his neck, just behind his ears. He is smiling. And then we "catch eyes". He looks right at me and as I whisper to him and lean in to steal another smooch, he touches his forehead to mine and makes a precious little sound. He is trying to talk to me, with our eyes only an inch or so apart, and I remembered every millisecond of the interaction. Nothing could have prepared me for that. No one could have told me what it would feel like to live or even re-watch such a tender moment.
It was good for me to watch it again honestly. As much as I don't want to admit it, my heart remains guarded. I feel like a crazy person as I flutter around between excited, scared, hopeful, filled with joy, and then also at times filled with doubt. I LOVE showing off my photo brag book of his sweet little face and our visits with him; I love remembering and recounting each day of our trip and what it felt like to hold him, watch him, and then eventually to leave him.
The hope is that we will return in mid-October for our court date (which is yet to be assigned). The judge in Nizhny will be on vacation from Sept. 8-Oct. 8 so our hope is to get assigned a court date prior to her departure, and then to actually have our court date be just as she returns. This feels good to us. We were expecting a "few" months, knowing that nothing is certain when it comes to adoption and to Russia. We remain hopeful that God will make a way for us. We continue to pray that He will open and close doors in His perfect time and perfect plan. There are days when I do really great with all of this, and days when I do not. There are days when I cry a lot, and days when I don't cry at all. I am "fragile" I say. I think this is a state of being I (and my family!) might have to get used to for a while.
We recently had some wonderful moments with dear friends who prayed with us, shared visions they've had, and blessed our sweet little boy half-a-world away. It is in moments like these when I feel most hopeful, most joyful, and most trusting of my God. The enormous leap of faith that this requires of me is perhaps the thing most overwhelming at any given moment. As I have mentioned in this blog before, I read from Streams in the Desert and am blessed daily by the truth this classic devotional holds. While we were in Nizhny, there were 2 entires that ministered to my soul in powerful days. They were of course July 31 and Aug 1, the days of our 2nd and 3rd visits with Ivan. Both spoke of God's guidance and His complete trustworthiness. One was even mentioned in the blog of a fellow sojourner while we read from our hotel room in Nizhny on an emotionally draining morning. God has been very near and very tender to my fragile soul. I will share more details of those stories in coming posts.
Goodnight for now.
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1 comment:
My heart goes out to you. I, too might feel the same emotional and physical strain when it's our time to go...to Vlad, Russia and meet our little one. I thank you very much for sharing your feelings and honestly. Beautifully said. Best to you both for a timely and stress-free Trip #2! I'll stayed tune.
-Joanne
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