Wolf Family Adoption AND Adventures

"Ummmmmm..."

2009-12-04T12:21:00.000-08:00

The phrase "Umm..." has begun to elicit what I would like to refer to as the "Wolf Family Emergency Response System".

When any member of the family responds to the question, "Where is Ivan?" with "umm...", we know we are in trouble. Really this is not new. It is just getting a bit more intense. I wish I could video a real time enactment of one of these situations. We will all be standing near the kitchen, setting the table, getting ice in the dinner glasses, and suddenly we realize one of us is missing. Gone. QUIET! We look around, call his name, and then scatter, searching for what havoc has been made and where.

This happened recently on a peaceful afternoon. Maggie had a friend over to play. Ivan was in the kitchen with me and then told me he wanted to "play Maggie". "OK", I responded, "go knock on her door and see if you can play with her."

Ivan scampered down the hallway with a smile. I heard him knocking on her door, "Me come in?" I hear him ask. He asks twice and then I assume she opens the door and willingly invites Ivan to play.

Wrong.

It was a few minutes later. Truly, 3 or 4, when I sensed an eery quiet. This happens often and always sends me into the same quick search. If Ivan was really with Maggie, there would be giggles, or screaming, or tears by now. I rushed to her door and opened it.

No Ivan.

"Oh No!" I said. "I thought Ivan was with you..." "Ummmm.." Maggie replied, "We better find him!".

I then opened my bedroom door to find this.

I stood in the doorway looking at the baby-powdered wonderland. "NO!", Ivan said with his hand extended up in front of his face. "No panking!" he shouted through a frowning mouth.

Seeing that he had done all harm he could do, I grabbed my camera and photographed the little baby-powdered monster as he said, "No panking, no panking, no panking!" I lowered my camera and he changed his tune slightly; "Little panking Mommy?, Little panking."

I would love to tell you this is an isolated event. It is not. Ivan has squeezed out toothpaste, emptied shampoo bottles, filled the toilets, poured out an ENTIRE bottle of liquid laundry detergent, played in diaper rash creme, and countless other fun, messy, naughty things. These often happen when he "was just right here!..." I have to tell friends and babysitters that he must be watched every single second. "I take him to the bathroom with me when I go. I put him in the shower with me if he is awake", I say. "He literally can't be out of your sight for any amount of time." They usually smile and think I am over-exaggerating. And a few messes later, they realize that I am only trying to spare us all from the perils of his curiosity.

Let's hope there is something in his future that can turn his sneaky mischief into an asset. And I am not thinking anything against the law here :)

I better go find him.

For the Memory Books

2009-11-16T09:11:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was one of those days. One of those days for the memory books, a day I think will be etched in my mind and heart for many, many years to come.

We are absolutely thrilled to be part of an amazing church here! (I secretly believe the CHURCH is the reason God moved us to Texas, but please don't tell Phil's boss.) We had received an email earlier in the week about a special surprise in the Sunday morning service, something that the kiddos needed to be part of as well so we would all be in worship together. I actually have always LOVED this whole concept, but I think I will love it even more when Ivan isn't quite so wiggly and loud; let's just say we drew a lot of attention to ourselves way back in the back!

Following an inspiring and abbreviated sermon, (which may or may not have been shortened on account of sweet little Ivan,) our church family was given an amazing assignment. The service had only been 45 or so minutes in length, so we were asked to take that "extra time" and head out together to go shopping for food and other necessities to fill some very empty food pantries in our area. I love this kind of thing--practical, helpful, great teaching moments with the kids, etc. I actually teared up, so thankful again for this church we have been blessed to be part of. Our congregation would be 1 of 15 other churches in our area all taking part in the same simple act; they had actually had to "warn" local stores about what would be happening! I love that!

As we headed out to the car, we were already chatting excitedly with the kids about this great opportunity. We were giving them the details of what we needed to purchase, why we would take part, and how it would bless many other children and their families who were hungry and desperately needed food.

Again, I eat this kind of thing up and am always looking for opportunities to teach our kids about the needs of those around our community and around the world. I want them to want to be part of the solutions. I want them to be generous and joyful about serving and helping. I was literally giddy; I might have even skipped if it hadn't been so crowded and busy in the parking lot!

That is why I literally stopped in shock when Barrett asked, "Can we please go home?"

Now, he DID just have his tonsils out a week ago and was feeling pretty puny, but did he not also just sit in the same service I did and hear about the need we were getting to help fill? Did he not just also hear our chatter about helping and serving and doing our small part?

I nearly unleashed my sermon on selfishness and attitude and a whole slew of other things when he said, "I want to get my wallet."

He wanted to go home and get his wallet.

We climbed into the van to hear Maggie and Maryn ask, "Yeah, can we get our wallets too and spend some of our own money to buy the food for the kids who are hungry?"

These are the moments we parents absolutely love and want to bottle up and pull out when things are not going quite so fabulously aren't they? We of course drove home (which is really not that close I will add), got their wallets, and headed off to shop.

They held their dollar bills with such pride as they shopped for items off the list. Barrett and Maggie decided to combine their $42 and get the greatest variety of the requested items they could find. They had pasta, cereal, flour, sugar, canned fruits and veggies, and much more. Maryn, on the other hand, wanted to spend her money on her own favorites, assuming correctly that all kids would want macaroni and cheese, chicken noodle soup, and cheerios. She also threw in a few cans of chicken, perhaps concerned about the carb-loading she was encouraging?

Their proud smiles lit up the store as they paid for their carts of food and loaded the bags back into the van all by themselves. And though I did not think it possible, their smiles grew even larger when we pulled into the drop-off and they placed their bags among the mounds of bags already donated. The effort raised 40 tons of food in just a few hours! Maggie in particular was elated at the sight of all that had been brought; she said over and over again, "Whoa! That is SO cool!"

What a simple and deeply profound thing. They bought food for hungry people. I am so thankful for an opportunity put in front of us that we could take part in and watch our children be blessed and be a blessing. They have already asked to go shopping again and take more food for the hungry.

A day for the memory books indeed!

A New Forever

2009-11-01T17:44:00.000-08:00

Of all the days that are special and memorable in our adoption process with Ivan, November 1, 2008 trumps them all for me. Today is the ONE YEAR anniversary of having Ivan in our arms for good! Today is the anniversary of the day we traveled back to the orphanage for the last time...

...when we walked away with changed hearts, changes lives, and a new son.
...when we said farewell to the caregivers that had held, changed, fed, and bathed Ivan for the previous year.
...when we watched tears fall down one special caregiver's cheeks as she bid Ivan farewell (a visual answer to our prayers that Ivan would be a favored, would be loved, would bond with those who were there when we could not be)
...when we hurriedly walked to the car in the chilly night air while I said to Ivan, "We are busting you outta' here!", turning our tears to laughter.

For me, November 1st was the day in the process when it all seemed real. There was something about the entire process for me that seemed like a movie or a novel, something that was happening, but not really to us; something we were watching and even experiencing, but not really ourselves living. There were so many documents, appointments, phone calls, questions, fears, doubts, and dreams that it all began to feel very surreal.

I remember being in court on Halloween, giving my speech, feeling like I was having an out of body experience. Not the kind that is creepy or spiritual, just the sense that what was occurring was so strange and huge and miraculous that it might not be real. I remember going to sleep (or TRYING to do so) the night after we were pronounced Ivan's family and he was given the name, Ivan Philip Wolf, wondering if tomorrow would really come. Would this child we had prayed for since even before he was born really be ours? Would they really let us swoop him up and take him home with us just like that? Would this new forever really ever begin?

November 1, 2008 will definitely go down in history as one of the greatest, most memorable days of my life. I have vivid images of virtually each and every moment of the day:

getting Ivan's passport after paying our fine for "breaking Russian law!";
shopping for food, milk, and diapers that we would need for our first days together;
purchasing the train tickets to head back to Moscow;
the long, long drive out to the orphanage;
seeing Ivan again with the new realization that I would never have to "visit" him again but would instead eat and sleep and drive and live with him;
changing him into his first outfit and soft leather shoes;
driving back to the hotel in utter disbelief and overwhelming thanks;
bathing him and snuggling him in his delicious footed pajamas;
standing over him as he slept with thick tears in my eyes...

I never want to forget that day. It was HOPE realized. It was a miracle. It was the beginning our new forever.

And I never want to forget today. Today I feel so blessed and full of love for my precious son that I could burst. I squeezed him a hundred times today and rocked him even after he had fallen asleep just to feel his warm footed-pajama body and hear his tiny breaths.

What a day. What a year. What a journey.

Words are hard to find that adequately express all that my heart if feeling today...this momma is going to sleep tonight with a full and thankful heart! "The LORD has done great things for us and we are filled with joy!" Hallelujah! (And seriously, could he BE any cuter?!)

Boy Heaven

2009-10-09T12:19:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty sure we live in "boy heaven".

I was calling our life here "Mayberry" for a while, but it almost isn't a strong enough image.

I of course grew up many moons ago when kids roamed the streets, "ruled" the neighborhood, and stayed out until dinner. It has been all I've ever wanted for my kids growing up years. I've wanted them to ride their bikes until their little legs were too tired to ride any longer. I've wanted them to catch little creatures, keep and name them. To play in the mud and climb trees, explore creeks and come home worn out, tired from play.

Well, we've got it.

Ivan was so dirty yesterday that I didn't want to carry him in! It is a shame I missed the early photos which showed the leftovers of him TASTING the mud soup he and his buddy Gage were cooking. There has been a lot of rain here (which I LOVE) and so there is a lot of mud. I am done trying to keep little boys out of the mud and puddles. After all, I'm pretty sure they are a staple in "boy heaven".

Part of the blessing for Barrett has been that there are oodles of boys living on our street and around this corner and that one. They invade our home in droves and wait eagerly outside our door until we finish dinner. They build forts near the creek and have secret clubs. They have caught more frogs and lizards than Barrett even knew existed. (We even had a frog in our playroom. Yes, playroom. Boy heaven, not Mommy heaven!) They play flashlight tag, ride bikes in the rain, and love every messy minute of it.

We had a hard time narrowing down our invite list for Barrett's 9th birthday party a few weeks ago...Boy heaven I tell you.

Soccer games have been canceled for the weekend because the fields are under water. We have a long, gray, chilly, damp weekend ahead. Sounds like the makings of some good boy heaven fun!

Quiet Commotion

2009-09-28T10:59:00.000-07:00

Ivan likes mornings. A lot. A wee bit too much for the rest of us in fact. Maggie is usually the unfortunate soul who is subject to his newest morning ritual.

Ivan wakes on his own and I think he feels a bit lonely. He sneaks his way into the girls's room and UP the ladder to Maggie's top bunk! (I KNOW this is not good...we are working on it...) Just being up there with her is not enough. He must sit on her, pinch her cheeks, get WAY too close to her for it to be that early in the morning, and I almost forgot, must do all of this under the light of her clip-on reading light which he turns on (first we think). I told Ivan just this morning that he needed to stay in his own bed when he woke up. He smiled and said, "Maggie bed". "I know Ivan, but Maggie was sleeping..." I reasoned. He smiled and whispered, "Quiet".

Maggie does not really like mornings, but she does love Ivan. And so, groggy and mid-dream, she loves on "little buddy" and helps him down off bed via the same ladder that brought him there. And then being the stellar oldest daughter that she is, she gets her clothes on and brings Ivan to the kitchen where she GETS HIS BREAKFAST! I usually hear them somewhere between the getting down off the bed and the breakfast piece but know she has it covered and let the whole waking-up process linger a bit for myself :)

Maggie is super responsible and loves to be left in charge. She has all the makings of a great teacher in fact. She loves to teach, help, grade, etc. We do lots of pretend school in our house these days. The following sign was JUST removed from her door after a two week stay:

"QUITE!!!!! Do NOT Dizterb!!!!!! Testing in progest!!!!!"

I also saved Maggie's spelling word sentences from a few weeks ago. A couple of them are too good to pass up. I ask you, what must the teacher think of this new, "California-bred" family?

"Ivan likes to bite."

"Maryn likes to stay up late."

"I like to shake it."

"There is a lot of commotion in this house."

I love that these all simply have periods at the end. True, matter-of-fact sentences. Not even warranting a "shout mark". Just the honest to goodness truth for sweet Maggie.

Hope Floats

2009-09-18T08:03:00.000-07:00

My Maryn.

My Maryn is usually a joyful little soul. She laughs easily, is unaffected by some of the things that unravel her older siblings, and is just an all-around fun and funny little girl.

Lately however, her emotions have been working overtime and her heart has been a bit fragile. She misses her kindred spirit Jamie in California. She is SHOCKED at the injustices which allow Barrett and Maggie more freedoms, more play-dates, more FUN. Not much feels fair to Maryn. And in reality, this move has been tough on her. She has had some hard, disappointing, lonely days.

One of those days was Wednesday. A friend was in town and was heading to have lunch with Barrett and Maggie. Maryn wanted to join them and was absolutely beyond herself that she could not. She melted into a messy puddle of tears and whimpers and a few VERY loud shrieks in the car. Nothing I said or promised helped to ease her sadness. Not even an icecream date a little later in the afternoon.

We rounded the corner just a block from our house, and saw this.

Tears turned to raised eyebrows at a balloon literally floating down our street. "Mom, there is a balloon...just floating along...what in the world?!" We slowed the van, looked around for the owner of such a treasure, and soon gave into Maryn's great temptation to rescue the balloon from a very uncertain future in the middle of the street.

Maryn's sadness lifted, her tears dried, her shrieks of frustration turned into ones of bliss. Maryn loves balloons! She and Ivan played for hours with the balloon. And she felt special. Her disappoints diminished and SHE was the beneficiary of one of life's little surprise blessings. She is still telling people about the walking balloon that she found and rescued. It didn't take much to get our silly, fun-loving Maryn back.

While I am not expecting to come across too many more lonely balloons, I will be looking for the little blessings that come floating by each and every day.

A Little Texas Thunder

2009-09-12T11:56:00.000-07:00

We have been in Texas for 6 weeks or so now. Things are feeling more and more like home every single day. I just read my last few posts and was SHOCKED at how long ago all of those seemed. And long ago they were...months ago.

Ivan is doing fabulously well! He started preschool a couple of mornings a week and was so cute on his first day I could hardly stand dropping him off. He apparently did great--with the appropriate amount of crying when I very first left, the same amount when his teacher

dropped him off at music (which he eventually LOVED!), and a few tears at the end of the day as the confusion of kids being taken out to the carpool line unsettled him slightly.

He cried a little and so did I.

I felt thankful and happy as I dropped him off--excited to hear how his first day had gone and excited about a few hours to myself! And then the tears came at a time I least expected them. At pickup. I cried as he walked with Maryn out to the car pulling his rolling backpack that is literally as big as his body. He looked so big, so old. He had started preschool and done just fine--how far we had come in 10 short months. I imagined him heading off to his first day of Kindergarten in a few years and I wanted it all to slow down. Way down.

I have been all sorts of emotional over these last weeks. Partly because of the move, I get that. But some of it is the remembering and re-living of all that transpired a year ago. In late July 2008, we met little Ivan. In early August, we had to leave him in Russia. I remember vividly these early September days of last year, wondering if we would ever be assigned a court date...if the judge would ever return from vacation...if sweet little Vanya would be OK.

And now as I look back, I am blown away by how OK he is. How OK we all are. He has navigated the move to Texas as well as anyone in our family. He is happy and healthy, messy, and snuggly. He loves to be outside and look for frogs, rocks, and lizards. He is absolutely addicted to chocolate milk. He sleeps well, is a picky eater, and is a pesky little brother...all wonderful "normals" we are thankful for.

The biggest shock to Ivan's little system has been Texas thunder storms. The rain does not phase him. He loves water of any sort in any place. Period. But the thunder, that is a different story. The first thunder storm paralyzed him. He didn't have the words to even ask what in the world was happening. Now he has sort of a love/ hate relationship with it. He likes to watch for the lightning, but is quick to jump into our arms at the sound of thunder. "Shunder cary!" (thunder scary) he says over and over again with a winced look on his face.

I will leave you with a few photos. He changes every single day it seems--OK, I feel the need to do better at keeping track.

I will write again and post about the other kiddos soon. All in all, Texas is good. And I, for one, really like the thunder storms.

Winds of Change

2009-05-07T11:36:00.001-07:00

A lot can change in 6 months.

Six months ago today Ivan arrived to the United States. He became a U.S. Citizen. Our older kids welcomed him with wide open arms into our home, our family, our lives. These last six months have been filled with laughter, tears, frustration, joy, sleepless nights, babble-filled days, and a "fullness" that words can't explain.

Six months ago we had a boy terrified of animals--especially our less than 10-pound dog, Zizou.
Today we have a boy who carries Zizou, tries to walk him on his leash, lays down on him to suck his thumb and squeals with delight at the sight of ANY animal...no matter how large.

Six months ago we had a boy who was wobbly and unsure on his feet.
Today we have a boy who literally gallops around our house. He climbs everything and runs and runs and runs until he is either out of breath or laughing so hard his feet can't move anymore.

Six months ago we had a boy who only said "Nyet!"
Today we have a boy who is jabbering non-stop, saying quite a few word we can understand and about 6,532 we can not ;)

Six months ago we had a boy who was often clingy and a little nervous.
Today we have a boy who is full of life. He is confident, funny, brave (a little TOO brave sometimes!), charming, mischievous, and basically owns every crowd he is in.

A lot can change in 6 months.

The winds of change are blowing in our "family-life" as well...

First of all, I now look like this: (It still shocks me to see!)
AND, our family is moving to Texas! We are headed to the Dallas area in mid-summer for my husband's new job there. It has been a wild few weeks, but things are coming together and we are feeling hopeful about our new life and adventure there. We've sold our house here, I leave next week to house-hunt there, we are looking into programs, schools, etc. and trying to imagine ourselves in Texas...

Perhaps one of the most exciting parts of this new adventure is that we will be less than 2 hours from Ivan's little girlfriend! Though he hasn't seen Ashlyn since they were together in an orphanage on the other side of the world, I am certain they will fall in love, go to prom, and perhaps get married :) Of course I am kidding (kind of), but we are over the moon excited that they will get to see one another again and for me to meet Tracy, (her blog is here) who has been a treasured friend through our adoption of Ivan from Nizhny Novgorod.

So, as I said, things are changing. And the changes are feeling O.K. We certainly feel like we have our hands full, but our hearts feel very full as well. Sometimes change is good. Maybe even very good.

Whoa!

2009-05-03T23:13:00.000-07:00

I honestly had no idea just how long it had been since I posted. It seems impossible that 6 weeks have gone by. And I realized that I have a few more "major" things to share in the coming days and weeks, so I better had do a little catching up or I never will. (And the only reason for the above picture is that I felt it needed to be shared. My son is a riot.)

First things first:
Ivan is 2! He had a fantastic birthday celebration with many beloved family friends on a gorgeous afternoon--it was prefect! He also had a special "bracelet night reunion" with the students who literally helped to bring him home. Here is a little proof of our memorable celebrations: (Please note that the same balloons that later "attacked" Ivan brought him great joy for many hours. Please also note that I had to photograph the attack before I attempted to rescue him.)

Ivan got a few cars, trains, and clothes for his birthday. He has a strong affinity to his red Thomas shirt that he nearly jumped out of the cart in T@rget for so it was only fitting to wear it on his actual birthday. And it clearly went well with the rain boots. And the thumb I think...don't you?Ivan has also started speech therapy 2 times a week and works with an infant teacher 1 time a week. All of this is going wonderfully and we feel so thankful that he qualifies for these amazing resources. For the record, Ivan REFUSES to speak for his speech therapist, but is quite chatty between her visits. She doesn't seem too shocked or irritated by this, but I find it mildly frustrating. It could be that the toys and books she is using are AT LEAST 3 decades old...but I am not entirely sure ;)

On the home front things have been a little busier than usual. We just finished a bathroom addition (inside an existing room so it is more of a re-model I guess). It was a long time coming...we have only had 1 bathroom for the last 8 years. It is fantastic to have 2...Although now there are 2 toilets beckoning Ivan for a "dip".

Just as the bathroom project started, we all got really sick. A nasty little virus with a lingering fever and canker sores all in the mouth. This is a modern day plague I am certain. We were sick for 3 full weeks. I literally asked my pediatrician if he could admit my oldest son to the hospital because he was so miserable. He smiled at me. I then asked him in all seriousness if he could admit me until the plague passed. I probably got my first gray hairs during all of this.

Speaking of hair, I gave away 12 inches of my hair to Locks of Love last week. It was honestly shocking to see the thick braids of hair be cut from my head. I have not had short hair in over 5 years. There are lots of double-takes when I see people. Let's be honest, I even double-take when I see me.

Also speaking of hair, I still have not cut Ivan's. I can't. His soft blond curls are too precious. And I will tell you that I work on a college campus and the mullet is coming back. And you might be shocked to hear that so is the rat tail...WHAT?!

This post is very random I recognize. I just needed to post or I feared I never would...Well, I am happy to report that we are healthy and happy here at the Wolf casa...all smiles as you can see!

Little Cheeser

2009-03-17T10:56:00.000-07:00

We have quite the little ham on our hands. Even this morning over at my office, Ivan was laughing it up with one of my colleagues. And he never seems to tire of any game that makes him giggle. But for sure my new favorite thing is when he sees a camera and automatically sits down wherever he is and says, "Eeeeeeez". It really is so strange, I mean the kid has HARDLY EVER had his picture taken ;)

(He is also the only one of our kiddos who could ever get away with having an outside riding toy in the family room...cute little stinker!)

Lovin' the Pacific

2009-03-07T19:38:00.000-08:00

Ivan has been home 4 months today! I love celebrating all of these milestones. The next milestone we will celebrate is a HUGE one...someone will be turning 2! We have already began teaching Ivan the appropriately cute response to "How old are you, Ivan?" The holds up his two index fingers together and says, "Ewww" ('Two' without any 'T' sound at all...adorable!).

Since I mentioned all of the many "firsts" Ivan has been experiencing lately in my last post, I would be remiss if I did not share his first beach experience with you. Now, our family loves to journey to the beach (although Phil and I both are not very fond of the sand...), and we have been excited to share the beach with Ivan. He is such a water-lover these days we knew he would love to see the water and the occasional planes flying overhead and birds EVERYWHERE would only be bonuses for him. I wish I could have captured his first moments in the sand. His confused intrigue was priceless! He made the "Oh My!" face a lot, and we smiled so much our cheeks hurt. After quite a few minutes of wallowing in the sand, he spotted the water. He made his little surprised look at me and asked with his eyes if he could go check it out. I suppose my smile and raised camera gave him the go ahead. We fully anticipated him to touch his toes to the frigid Pacific Ocean and quickly backtrack to warmer, dryer sand. We were very, very wrong. I am certain that if Phil had not been there to rescue him, he would have gone in neck deep. My toes ache right now remembering how cold that water was and our little man could not get enough of it! He smiled and giggled, wanted to touch it and sit down in it. When his blue chattering lips made me feel like a bad mommy, I scooped him up in a warm towel and took him up to the sand for a yummy mouthful of sand. oops, I meant snack. He rolled every bite of snacks into the sand and loudly crunched the sand between his teeth and was absolutely delighted!

We might have a little beach bum on our hands...we are truly looking forward to many many more sandy beach days...

Stepping Stones

2009-03-05T09:45:00.000-08:00

February was very full and March is off to a similar start. We will have our 1st post-placement report done this next week, it seems hard to believe that court in Nizhny was a little over 4 months ago already. The report must be in Russia by the 6 month court anniversary date, so things have to get started a bit sooner here to get the report completed, apostilled, and then sent off for translations, etc. As I have been for much of these almost 4 months since returning home with Ivan, this upcoming report has made me very reflective. There has been so so much in these last few months. There are days when everything seems just like our "normal" life, and then days when I am amazed by all of the newness. Everyday still holds plenty of "firsts" for Ivan. Every week we see tremendous strides in his growth and development. There are many little stepping stones with each and every day.

On that note, I began the process to have Ivan assessed through our state (actually regional center) for qualification into the "Early Start" program. about a month ago There are amazing resources available to children in need of speech, language, physical therapy, etc. My main concern for Ivan has been speech. He understands EVERYTHING--recognizes words, obeys simple directions, knows and uses many signs, etc. He is also trying to use some verbal words, but his expressive language is definitely delayed for a child who will turn 2 in a few weeks (I can't believe his birthday is almost here!). The assessment was wonderful. The therapists and specialists were so kind and helpful and very encouraging actually. We won't find out until the end of this month when the regional center has the IFSP meeting to assign services, but the therapists' recommendation was for 2 days a week of speech therapy and possibly 1 day a week of physical therapy (with an infant teacher), primarily for fine motor skills.

They put Ivan at a 13 month old overall developmentally--he has some scattered skills all the way up to 24 months, but is missing a couple here and there down to 13 months. His expressive language was put at 9 months old, as he is not consistent even with what he calls Phil and I. He definitely knows who we are and is actually very attached to us. But we are not sure when we wake up if either of us is "NaNa", "DaDa", DaDee", "MaMa", or some combo of these. He does have words for a few things and is honestly learning so much with every passing day, but we are excited for the help he should be getting soon and are eager to begin!

On to more entertaining news...Ivan has his own little way to do things...he sees new possibilities and uses for typical household items, places, and events. He always keeps us busy and guessing, rescuing and cleaning up after him...here are a few examples:

Clearly the dishwasher is for FAR more than cleaning dishes.

Dirty clothes belong in the trashcan (as do MANY other items we are unfortunately finding out) because little boys belong in laundry hampers.

Trains are fun, but their storage bin is WAY more fun. And obviously, lunch is better if you are standing ON the table!

Now, I have seen a lot of things in my motherhood. My kids have all done silly and crazy things. I am happy to confess that all of my kids have played in the toilet at one time or another. But never have I seen this. Never. It needs no caption. We are just hoping it too is a stepping stone for...well, something.

With Sadness...

2009-03-04T15:47:00.000-08:00

Some of you have already learned the tragic news that Brad and Arja's sweet little Jacob went to be with Jesus on Saturday, February 28th. Today was the memorial service (which we were not able to attend but certainly have been praying for all day).

Thank you for your prayers for them. Please continue to lift them up as they navigate this tremendous loss.

Prayer Request

2009-02-12T10:11:00.000-08:00

I want to pass along a prayer request. A friend from college, Arja, and her husband Brad need our prayers for their baby boy, Jacob. Jacob and his twin Sawyer were born on January 10 at only 27 &1/2 weeks. Little Jacob has recently began to struggle with what they now know is an "unusual congenital kidney syndrome that his very serious".

Please pray for Brad, Arja, and little Jacob (as well as Sawyer though he is going great). This precious couple has already endured tremendous hardship and loss in previous pregnancies.

We are asking God for a miracle for this family. Please visit their blog:
www.regiertwins.blogspot.com

In the Bathroom

2009-02-11T21:38:00.000-08:00

Today I ate a fudgesicle in the bathroom. I sat on the toilet (with the lid closed!) and shut the door. All I really wanted was a fudgesicle and I did not want to be interrupted. Little hands knocked at the door and little mouths tattled and questioned at least 17 times in the few minutes I sat there. But I will happily tell you that I did not open the door and no one ever knew what was REALLY happening in the bathroom! I am thankful that there is one very small room where I am truly "unavailable". I think I might retreat there more often.

And also in the bathroom today--Ivan emptied all of the contents of my makeup/ other necessary bathroom items drawer into the sink and then gave himself a fabulous half-mustache with my mascara. I would have photographed the scene and culprit, but I also saw some on his teeth and with Maryn's question, "Is that poisin?" felt it best to swift him away for a little clean-up, etc.

Just a very small window into my day. And into my bathroom.

A Little Looking Back

2009-02-08T23:39:00.000-08:00

A post with words will follow soon. Here are photos from the last 6 months home. It is amazing to see how much Ivan has changed! Especially all of that gorgeous hair he has now...what the photos at the end of this post do not show is how close to "mullet-status" he is. We are going to have to do something about that. But I will also tell you that we saw some of the BEST mullets ever worn by a human when we were in Nizhny...maybe we should let him give it a try? :)

Meeting Ivan. July 2008. 16 months old

Pictures taken in between our trips on the camera we left for the orphanage staff to document the 3 months until we could come back.

Trip #2. October 2008. 19 months old.

(The one of Ivan and I was taken on our last morning in Moscow by another adoptive parent in our hotel...such a treasure for me!)

November 7, 2008. Finally HOME! 19 Months old

December 2008. 1 month home. 20 months old.

January 2009. 2 months home. 21 months old.

February 2009. 3 months home. 22 months old!

Remembering Part 2

2009-01-30T08:39:00.000-08:00

It was a sunny morning, warmer than we were expecting it to be in Nizhny Novgorod on July 30, 2008. We took advantage of the beautiful morning and our confused internal clocks and managed an early walk before our trip to the Ministry of Education. Our walk was full of anticipation, nerves and many, many prayers.

Mikhail picked us up and drove us the short distance to the MOE. What we saw and experienced there was so different than we had expected. We approached the turquoise building and opened the heavy door. Inside, we were told to watch our step as we had to navigate the huge hole just one step over the threshold. There was a door laying on the ground to protect us from falling into the crumbling floor; the building seemed in much need of repair. Our walk upstairs and down a long hallway saw improved building conditions and was strangely quiet. Mikhail knocked on a door and we were told to wait outside. My heart was almost pounding outside of my chest.

We then entered a small crowded room and sat in chairs along the wall, our knees touching the paper-filled desk of the director we would meet with. She asked us a few questions through Mikhail, gave us A LOT of information about the government process we were now immersed in, and had us sign many documents. We were then told Ivan's date of birth, last name, and orphanage location. We again signed papers and Mikhail stood to leave. We were done there. My nerves subsided and I let out a little giggle in the hallway. This was for sure the craziest thing we had ever done. And it would prove over and over again to be different than my expectations in almost every way.

We drove the hour and a half to the orphanage with Natasha, Mikhail's partner who also happened to be his mother. She was delightful and engaging, telling us stories and answering our questions. Our nerves felt appropriate but Natasha's experience and confidence calmed us.

We drove through fields and towns, and more fields and towns. Entering the city of Zahvolzhie felt so good but also brought waves of nausea that would stay with me for the next few hours. Our driver parked in front of a collection of pink buildings surrounded by a fence and marked with an iron gate. We had arrived. We couldn't wait to get inside but also felt entirely unsure of what we would encounter there.

Our short awkward wait inside the front door found me scanning and trying to memorize every poster, door, sign, and sound. The invitation to follow Natasha upstairs and into the "family visits room" couldn't have come soon enough. Almost immediately, the orphanage doctor and associate director entered and sat down across from us. Natasha began translating the almost 45 minutes of social and medical history of little Ivan, still unseen by us. Much of the information was shocking. He was born at 29 weeks, weighing 1200g, only 2 pounds and 10 ounces. He "had" a long list of syndromes and diagnoses. My questions couldn't even come out of my mouth fast enough. They told us he was "depressed" and not catching up as they would expect. We were shown pictures of a chubby child around 6 months old (though he was now 16 months old) with brown eyes and light hair. We were asked if we wanted to meet Ivan in person. Of course we agreed. My palms were sweating; my ears were ringing.

The associate director brought in a small, confused, quiet child, looking nothing like the photos we had just seen. Her talking with him was scattered with familiar words like "Mama", "Papa", and his beloved nickname, "Vanya". I asked if I could hold him and she agreed. He was so unsure of me, of my smiles, my strange voice. I held him for a moment and then brought him to the ground to sit with me. He didn't move and didn't respond. He showed no emotion or expression. No intrigue. Just quiet, wide-eyed, pursed lip unsuredness. Almost 15 minutes into our time with Vanya, he turned his head and we caught a glimpse of a smile. My eyes filled with tears and I managed to squeak out, "He smiles" to Phil. This began his gradual engagement with us. We drank up every second. We carefully played with him, talked to him, and touched him. We offered him his first ever cheerio he loved and looked for more and more. He was so tiny. So pale. But life began to leak from his movements and responses. Many of our fears and questions were washed away. I did not see a depressed child (whatever what would look like at 16 months old...), I did not see a child who seemed to possess a long list of diagnoses and syndromes. I saw a small, playful child who I deeply desired to love.

In reality, I had fallen in love with Ivan many months before. Before we even heard of his name or known we would travel to meet him. There is a beautiful miracle in this part of adoption I think. God "grows" these little ones into our hearts and lives, just as He would in our bodies.

The minutes of our visit flew by and we were asked if we wished to proceed with the intent to adopt Ivan. There were so many uncertainties and we felt hopeful but agreeing to move forward took faith and resolve. We knew God had led us to adopt, to Russia, to Nizhny, and now to Baby House #2. We did not know how the story would eventually end, but we knew we must trust the God Who was writing it. Our agreement to move forward also granted us the permission to take photos and video of Ivan. We were thrilled to record these early moments together. Our departure from the orphanage felt manageable and expected. We would come back tomorrow after more time to think, pray, seek advice, and look through the photos and videos countless times.

I would not be telling the whole truth if I didn't mention the stress and doubt and fear that accompanied us for the next few hours and even days. Intermixed in the celebration of finally meeting Ivan were many tears and struggles. We rode back to our hotel whispering and wondering. We walked and walked back in Nizhny, recounting the day's events and sharing our deepest hopes and darkest fears. We took turns asking one another the "He's OK, isn't he...?" question, needing comfort and reassurance every few steps. We wanted to feel peaceful and certain but in truth, our exhaustion overwhelmed us and we felt unsettled and raw with emotion. We emailed friends and doctors and waited in hopeful expectation for their replies. We again and again returned to God's faithful guidance and perfect provisions. We trusted that in time He would bring peace. Though much seemed uncertain, we were sure that God had led us to this very day.

Remembering

2009-01-29T09:21:00.001-08:00

6 months ago today, on July 29, 2008, we landed in Moscow, Russia eager to travel to Nizhny Novgorod, the city which held the tiny boy we had traveled to Russia to meet. I have been feeling very reflective and sentimental as I remember the days of our referral trip and relive some of the emotions I felt while in that far away land. And I am remembering the days leading up to this trip and feeling so thankful that I held on, or that God held onto me during what became a very trying time.

It seemed that every time hope eluded me during our adoption process, God came near. I love that He does that. I love that "just in the nick of time" He throws out a phone call, a letter, an email, a rainbow, a book, or a deep and quiet whisper that reminds me that He is not only near, but is and has been at work throughout all that seems scary, chaotic, and lonely.

On July 1, 2008, I went to see Brenda who worked for our adoption agency in a regional office near my parents' house. I was leaving on July 2 to head home to CA and was at the absolute end of myself with our process. We had been registered in NN for 5 months and had been "next" in line to receive a referral for much of that time. Our agency seemed to literally be falling apart at the seams as Russia program directors and family coordinators were coming and going faster than I could even keep us with. Families were leaving our agency. Families were pulling out of Russia all together and there was no word at all coming from NN.

I told Brenda that I was done. I had lost hope and lost trust and had tremendous doubt and frustration. We felt very led to our agency many months ago and had committed to stay with them. We felt like switching agencies or pulling out all together would be (in our specific case) forgetting that God had called us and would be faithful to finish what He had started. But then I began to doubt that. I became allured by the quick referrals and glowing reports that were coming from other families in other places.

I cried a lot with Brenda. I vented. She listened and answered my questions with confidence and empathy. I told her I didn't know if I (we) could stick it out. I told her I had lost my hope somwhere in the months leading up to our meeting. She handed me kleenex and let me panic and stress and even grieve what was happening. And then she spoke words that were the "lifelines" from the Lord that I needed. She said that often times she had seen families get "the call" just as they had come to the end of themselves, when they were about to give up or jump ship or close the pages of the dream all together. She said she hoped we could hold on.

I drove back to my parents' house feeling sad and embarrassed and a little bit hopeful. I felt like the Lord was urging me to press on, to hold fast. I had many examples of people who had endured far more and had much more hope and faith in the process. I shared the details of the meeting with Phil and said I felt like we did need to press on and hold fast, that the end was near.

And near it was. Only 6 days after this meeting with Brenda, we received our referral. The referral with the HUGE lifelines of hope for us. His name was Ivan, the name of a Russian martyr whose biography I had just finished reading. He was born to an 18 year old girl, the same age as many of the students I work with each and every day. And he was born in April 2007, perhaps one of the hardest months of our married life and a time of much questioning and crying out to the Lord. It was also the month that we re-committed to our adoption process, (actually on Ivan's birthday we would later find out!), after a few months of putting it on hold for some possible job changes, etc.

And on July 8, my birthday, I called our agency to say YES! we would travel to meet little Ivan. The days that followed were emotional and busy. I felt like I was living in a tornado of papers, details, travel plans, suitcases, looming questions, and almost more excitement than my heart could manange to contain. The day was here...finally here. We had held on and are now forever grateful that we did.

6 months ago we landed in Russia, quickly confornted with the sights and sounds of a country that seemed completely unaware of us or the purpose for our travel. We boarded a train to Nizhny Novgorod and fell into a fitful sleep in the city we had been desperatley waiting to visit. The few days that followed changed our lives forever. They changed me. I will never forget. I am committed to remember.

Could it be true?

2009-01-25T21:18:00.000-08:00

I simply can not believe that Christmas was 1 month ago. I don't know whether I am more shocked at how recent it seems or how terribly long ago it seems, and I don't know how it can seem both ways, but it does.

We were so excited to have Ivan home for Christmas and loved all of the "firsts" associated with the entire season. As I previously stated, Advent is my very favorite season and he joined us for our nightly Advent devotions as a family. We did have to move our time of reading, singing, and candle-lighting to the kitchen table so that he could be secured in his highchair and not run away with any lit candles :) Ivan loved the flickering lights each night. And I loved that when we sang our songs every evening he also would "sing". He loves music and can often be heard "singing along" in our music-filled home...absolutely priceless!

The Christmas tree decorating tradition had to be slightly altered as well (i.e. Ivan could not be ANYwhere near anything that might break...he is so stinkin' fast!), but it was so special and fun to hang the ornaments and see his eyes light up in wonder as the tree became more and more filled. Well, it was really only "filled" from about 3 feet off the floor and up, the bottom only held those felt and cross-stitched ornaments that are very, very shatter proof.

Because we wanted to keep our plans fluid and wait to see how we would all be doing in terms of adjustment, etc. we decided to DRIVE from our home in southern California to my family's home in Nashville, Tennessee. Yes, I said drive. 33 hours. 4 days in our minivan with 4 children. It was wonderful! We had such a fun time singing, reading, laughing, talking, and taking in the very long drive. We spent a full day in Dallas, Texas visiting friends and family and all in all had a great trip. We would do it again. Although next time we will wait until we do not have a child in diapers (a stinky diaper has no mercy on a closed-up minivan looking desperately for anywhere to stop!) and we will also remember that in Texas, even when the speed limit is 80mph and there seems to be NOTHING around anywhere, there are highway patrolmen who will stop you and "issue you a speeding violation" (Phil, not me!).

Christmas in Tennessee was wonderful also. We loved all of the time to play outside, enjoy some good rainstorms, and see dear family and treasured friends. All of the kids were so good on our long vacation there and we loved the opportunity for our family to get to know Ivan more and for him to be more and more comfortable with them. Phil's sister and her family even came down from Indiana with Phil's mom and we loved spending special time with them. Ivan loved exploring my mom's house too. He was into everything and up ON everything. We have a serious climber on our hands. There is a theme that emerges as I look at the photos of Ivan over the last few months--he loves to be "in" things--boxes, laundry baskets, toy buckets, upside down pic-nic tables, dollhouses, dog crates, etc.

Since returning from Tennessee, things have seemed full-speed and a bit overwhelming at times. Our life is wonderfully full, but VERY full. Our walls feel like they are closing in on us at times. It is not "Ivan", it is the addition of another breathing body. It is adjusting to a child who is almost fully dependent after a time span of fairly independent kids. It is not being able to take your eyes off of a child for a SINGLE second that he is awake because he loves the toilet, dumping the dog food into the dog's water dish, climbing up onto a chair and the ONTO the table, pushing every button imaginable--especially the ones that turn on that fabulous dishwasher, and throwing things into the dirty clothes hamper or trashcan! He a busy little boy who is such a sponge right now--watching and listening, taking it all in. He is learning a few words (more, dog, NO!, MaMa, DaDa, baba for bottle, that, bye-bye, night-night, etc.), and is signing a bit, but is mainly communicating through pointing. He understands everything it seems and will RUN for the bathroom if anyone mentions the word "bath" or immediately do the sign for "eat" if you mention snacks, food, or eating.

Wow, Christmas was a month ago. And so much has happened since then. So many changes and firsts and experiences I never want to forget. It sometimes feels like we have had to cram a full 21 months of life and newness and relationship into the 10 weeks that we have been home. There are times when that feels exhausting. Some times I feel like my mind and heart can't keep track of it all. I can only imagine what must be going on in Ivan's little mind...what a change of life for this sweet little soul. I can't imagine anotherday without him!

Toothbrushes, Ninjas, and Dog treats...Oh My!

2009-01-19T21:30:00.000-08:00

What you need to know is that I have 'written' some really good blog posts: in my car, at the post office, in the pediatrician's office, in the shower...the problem is they just never make it onto my computer. I think this might be a sign that I need (wink) one of those snazzy new Bl*ckberry phones, but I am not sure.

The reality is that I have a lot to say and feel a bit overwhelmed at what it takes to get it all out. I have lots of stories to tell and confessions to make. I have questions to ask and things I simply just want to get off my chest. I am not good at taking "just a quick minute" to do much of anything--but these days, quick minutes are really all I have. Here is why:

I am not sure if you can see them all, but there are 12 toothbrushes in this cup. This is not staged. These are really all in my bathroom, our ONLY bathroom. And praise the Lord there are not 12 of us sharing it, BUT IT SURE SEEMS LIKE IT! When I walked into the bathroom today with tub toys, a towel, some dirty undies (not mine however), a hairband, and a few other things, I noticed the toothbrush cup. I grabbed my camera right away because it was the perfect picture of what our life feels like...like 12 people sharing a teeny, tiny bathroom!

In all honesty, things are going great. Ivan is growing and learning and laughing a lot. What he has not been doing a ton of is sleeping. But the last 2 nights have been a bit better. Oh, there is such a story to tell about how all of this started...it will make it here in the next few days...but tonight I will simply say that he is sleeping better again...Hallelujah!

So much has happened since I last wrote. So much. Here are a few of the updates and highlights:

Ivan LOVES grape tomatoes. This is what happens if you don't keep your eye on the refrigerator to make certain that is closes all the way. I promise, he is like a ninja...he appears out of nowhere and then...

(What you do not see here is a kitchen floor filled with spilled grape tomatoes...nope, not this time...Mommy has learned!)

Ivan has a strong affection for airplanes. He hears them and throws his head back to see way up in the sky. He spreads out his arms and sways his little body. It is precious.

Ivan also likes the swing-set. A lot. And he is not at all afraid of the ladder or the slide. Well, maybe now he is little afraid of the slide because that super cute gray sleeper from the refrigerator picture goes REALLY fast down the slide.

He sings and dances when he hears music. (You should picture his arms slightly raised and his little legs bouncing...a bit like the "raise the roof" move, but with a little less rhythm!)

Although Ivan has plenty of foods he likes, he is far more interested in feeding our dog.

Speaking of the dog, the other day while I was helping Barrett and Maggie with homework, I heard a package rustling around the corner. Noticing that the little ninja master was out of sight, I whipped around the counter to find Ivan with a bag of dog treats. With wide-eyed shock that he had been found, Ivan pulled a dog treat out of his own mouth and gave it straight to our dog...a match made in heaven!

His laugh still makes us all laugh and that smile...oh that smile!

There will be more stories and photos in coming days...I promise. But for now I need to go figure out WHO is using all of those toothbrushes...

Overwhelmed

2008-12-04T15:45:00.001-08:00

We are still here...thriving in fact...it just might seem we have vanished from sight. Today is our 27th day home. The days have been full and busy and wonderful.

Ivan is adjusting so well. He is quite the celebrity around here--the older kids love to show him off at school, sports practice, etc. and he honestly eats it all up...(we have a charmer on our hands for sure).

Speaking of eating, our little man continues to eat almost everything we offer--with only a few exceptions, he loves it all. And he eats lots of it. And he loves to ask for more. And sometimes even more. Being a first time adoptive parent, I asked my doctor about this. "He would eat all day if I let him...Is this a problem?" My doctor's kind reply was, "He has some serious catching up to do so LET HIM EAT!" And now speaking of catching up, Ivan has officially added 3 full pounds since "gotcha day"! He literally looks like a different child...full, rosy cheeks, more hair, and a few yummy little fat wrinkles here and there. He has the smiley-est eyes and a glowing grin. He is full of life.

To recap a bit, Thanksgiving was simply splendid as Ivan and I flew to be with almost my entire side of the family in Tennessee. It was such a treat to show Ivan off to my parents, siblings, nieces, cousins, second cousins, my dear grandmother (see super cute photo to the right!), aunts, uncles, friends and other loved ones there. We had a huge reunion-type gathering. It was unforgettable. Some highlights of the trip were: Ivan playing in leaves for the first time, enjoying the wide open spaces that make Tennessee so beckoning (translation-me running after Ivan as he realized he could literally run FOREVER there!), meeting his huge new family, and honestly just about each and every moment in-between. He loved every dog he saw (please remember that he thought our 6 pound dog was going to devour him when he first came home), he laughed and laughed with his deep belly laugh that is so contagious it makes my cheeks hurt, he couldn't get enough of the swing or really just the outdoors in general, he brought so much joy. He reminded me constantly how much we have to be thankful for.

As I mentioned, Ivan is thriving. There are almost too many stories to tell. He is funny and silly, curious and active, snuggly and super sweet. He gets whiny, mad, stubborn, and pitches little fits. And I love it all. It is still really hard for me not to bite his little cheeks and nibble on his yummy little neck--all the time. He gets into everything. EVERYTHING. He is holding his own in our busy house--even with the dog who is a bit irritated that Ivan has taken a liking to his crate and cozy dog-bed. He is picking up some sign language and never wants to get out of his bath. He gets perfectly still when I start to give him is bottle just before bed. My brother's family gave him a sock monkey and he adores it. He carries it around and cuddles it in bed. Seriously, there are just too many stories.

With this being the first week of Advent (which happens to be my very favorite time of year), I have been doing a lot of reflecting. This is the Hope week. We lit the Hope candle on Sunday and get to live in this space focused on the Hope that Jesus is and brings all week long. I had the chance to share a bit about our journey to Ivan in chapel at the University where I work last night and in preparations for my talk, I was overwhelmed. I was overwhelmed with the LONG list of prayers answered and miracles experienced during our journey to Ivan. I was overwhelmed at the sweet and tender mercies that God showed me over and over and over again. I was overwhelmed at all of the times God stepped in and blessed and encouraged me when my hope was almost gone. I was overwhelmed at the thought of what a miracle Ivan is. He is hope realized, seen, smelt and held. Hope. Here. With us. Sleeping soundly only a few feet away. Again, I am overwhelmed.

I am so excited to travel through the rest of this Advent season as we prepare to celebrate Jesus' birth. I feel so full, so blessed, so thankful. So overwhelmed with hope.

One Week

2008-11-14T16:02:00.002-08:00

Ivan and I have been home one week today. My tiredness tells me it has been much longer, but it has really seemed like a blink. He continues to be a joy and loving him is a deep privilege. We are learning routine, relationship, and what it looks like to be a family of 6. (This attempt of a photo of our 4 went really well I think :) As I said, we are LEARNING what it looks like to be a family of 6...or 7 if we count Ivan's closest pal and greatest rival...our dog!) Before I move onto what is heavy on my heart, I will share a precious photo of Ivan. When I look at him I just can't believe it is real. He is ours. Two weeks ago today, he slept his last night in the #7 crib in a room with 15 others. Tonight as I rocked him to sleep, I said over and over again, "You are home... You are home...Finally home."

Today has been an interesting one. Phil's brother and his family lost their home last night in a fire. Everything. We are so thankful they are all OK, but grieving with them this tremendous loss. Their kids has lost their favorite things, and the family photos and home movies are now among the charred rubble where their house once stood. It literally burned to the ground. It is a sobering and haunting image to picture them standing where their house once was and looking around to find almost nothing that was once theirs.

It has made me do some thinking today. My heart aches for their loss and grief, for their kids and for them as parents as they try to navigate this loss not only for themselves, but also for their children, our nieces and nephews. This will impact them for the rest of their lives.

I have also been blessed tremendously by the community that is rising up to help, support, and bless them and the other families who have been affected by this tragedy. Strangers want to help. Many of our friends, who have never even met Phil's brother and their family, want to know what they can do, what they can buy, how they can help. I am so thankful for the love that is already emerging to help them through this time. I know that it is not about the replaceable things, but about the things which can't be re-purchased, etc. But what blesses my heart right now are the huge hearts that are ready and willing to do whatever they can. Our family has also experienced this beautiful grace this year.

We have been blessed repeatedly this year by the kindness and generosity of many, many people. Some we already knew, some we know now, and some we will never even meet. When I think of how Ivan's life has changed in these last two weeks, I am convinced that our greatest gift to him is not from us at all. His greatest "gain" is this rich community of people who love, give, and sacrifice. His greatest gain is our greatest blessing also.

Please pray for Dave, Jill and their kids tonight. We are asking God to draw very, very near.

Welcomed

2008-11-08T23:31:00.000-08:00

We are HOME! It is hard to believe, but SOOO wonderful. Our 13 hour Aeroflot flight was well...l...o...n...g...and it was on Aeroflot...I will leave it at that. Ivan did great though--he slept a bit and won back some of the favor of the grumpy man behind me who thought I shouldn't be allowed to lean my chair back(!)...thus the extra long feeling of this already long flight!

We were warmly welcomed home on Friday evening at the airport by Phil and Ivan's 3 older siblings! It was so special to witness Ivan "meeting" Maggie and Maryn. It feels like he has been part of our family for a very long time already...months of talking and praying about him made it seem so normal and expected in one sense, and in another sense it seemed the strangest, wildest, most unreal thing possible.

We received another warm welcome once we arrived home: a large "Welcome Home Ivan" sign hanging on our garage door, an "It's A Boy" stork, balloons, and homemade posters galore...it was a wonderful welcome indeed.
These first hours have been full of many firsts: Ivan's first glimpse of (and obsessive licking by) a dog...(TERRIFYING to be sure but he has warmed up to our little dog quite well); first steps in the cold wet grass...not exactly how he prefers to spend his hours; his first experience in L.A. traffic (the ride home from the airport that almost did us in!); first of many swings on our swing-set; first time to go #2 in the bathtub...you know all of the essential 'firsts' to squeak into those early hours! He has done amazingly well honestly. He is a trooper for sure and has amazed us with his good attitude. I would also like to say here that Ivan being a trooper does not at all negate his very spirited tantrums and crying spurts. Unfortunately for him, we still find them very cute and are even tempted to photograph such adorable sights...Again, I know the cuteness of this will pass, but for now, I drink it all in and want to remember each and every second.

My mom, "Nana", was able to stay and meet Ivan, yet another wonderful treat. She had been here looking after the kids (and Phil!) while Clara and I waited out the week in Russia. We were thrilled for him to get to meet both of this grandmothers so soon.

A highlight of the weekend was making an appearance at the playoff soccer game that Phil was coaching. Literally, as we got out of the car, our team scored a goal and went on to win the game only minutes later. Ivan was quite the celebrity for sure. As the game ended, Ivan and I walked toward the player huddle, eager to introduce Ivan to these remarkable men who had hosted a send off for us on the night before we left for Russia to bring him home. As the team saw us coming, they began to chant, "Ivan Wolf! Ivan Wolf!"...it was music to our ears. The beaming smile on Phil's proud face as he introduced Ivan to his team was a sight to see. I can't wait to tell Ivan the story of this moment over and over for the rest of his life. It was so special, so memorable, so much like the movie Rudy!(...the chanting that is.)

We have now settled in and plan to lay low for a bit. We are loving these early days with Ivan finally home. Our family of 6 feels wonderfully full. The welcoming continues with phone calls, delicious meals, generous gifts, and even praise filled tears. People keep saying, "I just can't believe he is here...in the flesh...this is the one we have been praying for". We feel the same way. The fulfillment of this dream feels too good to be true.

We are abundantly thankful and blessed beyond words.

"The LORD has done great things for us and we are filled with joy." Psalm 126:3

Serious Cuteness

2008-11-05T10:55:00.001-08:00

I am tired and heading to bed soon so this will be short.

We had a good Dr. appointment today in preparation for our Embassy appointment tomorrow. The Dr. felt that Ivan was good all around. He commented on what a good sign it was that Ivan was "manipulative" to adults...he is a charmer for sure and was totally hacked off when the Dr. took his toy away in order to examine him. I would also like to share that he has already gained nearly a pound since we have had him. 4 days, 1 pound...now that is some progress! He is inching his way back up to the growth curve and the Dr. also commented that he is proportionate though small and will "grow quickly". There were several other families at the Dr. with us...it is so fun to see other miracles before my very eyes.

We spent lots of time outside walking today. Ivan loves his sling and is quite content to walk all over this monstrous city. We even did an evening walk tonight which was spectacular. It is hard to imagine that Red Square in the dark is even more magnificent than it is in the light, but it was just breathtaking.

As I said, I am off to bed. But I will leave you with some ADORABLE photos. My personal favorite is the black and white one...honestly...the finger in the nose IN the "Little Wolf" outfit...it is almost more cuteness than I can take.

Good night.

Happy

2008-11-04T02:37:00.000-08:00

Now that court is over and we are just spending a few days in Moscow, there is not such pressing and interesting info to post. But I will tell you that we are having a great time here and Ivan is doing really well.

He is eating well, sleeping well (praise the Lord for his little thumb!), and is very playful and cuddly. Phil and Barrett left yesterday--they made it safely and are home sleeping in their own beds right now. Clara and I had a low key day yesterday--we ate here at the hotel, took Ivan to the hotel play room (how great is that?), and turned in to bed early.

We walked back down to Red Square this morning to a flea market of sorts. By the end of our shopping, we were surrounded by hundreds of police/ guards/ soldiers and literally thousands of people who were making their way to the festivities outside of Red Square for the "Day of Consent and Agreement" celebration. We found lots of wonderful things in the little market--the best of which is a black fur hat that looks ADORABLE on Clara! She loves it and I must say it is perfect on her. We headed back for lunch at the hotel again. Their pelmeni is so yummy and was perfect after our chilly walk/ shopping spree. Ivan LOVES pelmeni too. Clara will be very busy at our house when we return making hundreds of her yummy little dumlings for us to freeze and eat all winter.

Clara and Ivan are napping now and we are headed out in a bit on a tour of some sights around here. We pitched in with another adoptive family to get a private tour guide for a few hours who will give us the history of much of the Kremlin, take us to an art gallery, the Grand Cathedral, and even help us navigate the Metro. Mary is from Michigan and is traveling with her mother also. She is a wonderful single mom adopting little Christina. It is fun to be in this hotel as we see many other adoptive families.

As I said, Ivan is doing great. He is happy and active--perhaps a bit too active for our little hotel room. Before his nap today I let him walk up and down the hallways...he had the best time! He is walking everywhere and is super curious. He is very ticklish too which is so much fun. Oh, and he has a little temper. I nearly laughed my head off yesterday when he got mad at me while changing his clothes and swatted his hand at me saying, "yet!"; I realized he was trying to say "Nyet!"...my little boy has only been with me a few days and is already telling me "No!"...he should be able to hold his own at home without any problems at all!

Tomorrow (Wednesday) we head to our Embassy approved Doctor's appointment and then to the US Embassy on Thursday. Please pray that all goes well at the Embassy--especially since I am using Power of Attorney over Phil, etc. We fly out on Friday around 2:15pm Moscow time and will land in CA at 4:30pm. I'm not entirely sure how Ivan will do on the plane, but we did end up buying him a seat and I am so glad. Seriously, Aeroflot might be the smallest seat/ leg room airplane I have ever been on. At least this way we will have a bit of space between us to let Ivan move a tiny bit.

All in all, we are happy and peaceful. I am enjoying this time to get acquainted with Ivan. He is such a sweet little boy--and funny too. There is lots of laughter and many smiles...I am so, so thankful.

(Here are a few pictures from our court date...talk about Happy! Phil and I with the social worker/ Barrett with Natasha our translator. P.S.--Please note my Halloween outfit...every good Southern girl likes to dress for the holidays!)

Forever...

2008-11-01T19:58:00.000-07:00

(It is very early on Sunday morning here)
Our day Saturday was wonderfully full. We woke up well rested from our best night of sleep, after being physically and emotionally exhausted from the court hearing on Friday. Phil and I headed out early with Natasha our translator to the passport/ visa building to apply for Ivan’s passport and pay the fine we owed for traveling on a business visa instead of an adoption visa. We literally sat around and waited for HOURS but in the end, accomplished both of our tasks there. Phil and I were “scolded” separately regarding the business visas. The tone of voice was not even stern, but when Natasha translated the officer’s words, “You have violated Russian law” Phil’s heart nearly stopped…He came out of the room and said, “Those were words I never imagined hearing in my lifetime…not words I really wanted to hear!” It was a seamless process and we left with excitement knowing that having Ivan’s passport would allow us to pick him up from the orphanage that day.

We went back to pick up Barrett and Clara (Barrett had apparently gotten worried about us since it took half the day to do our 1st errand) and headed to the grocery store to purchase some food and milk for Ivan. This was quite stressful for me honestly. I realized how little we really know about his schedule, likes, dislikes, allergies, etc. I felt so overwhelmed and ill equipped to be buying his food. Natasha kept asking me what I wanted to purchase and I kept saying, “I have no idea…honestly, no idea”. I am sure this gave her great confidence in my parenting skills, but she helped me and I took her advice. (Most of it…but I did pass on the jar of lamb baby food…lamb…I just couldn’t do it.)

The drive out to the orphanage seemed longer than ever. We were in a bit of traffic and it was later in the afternoon than we had ever been before. I was thankful for a quiet car as Phil and Barrett slept for most of the nearly 2 hour drive. (Clara and Natasha were in the other car).

I cried for much of the drive, not believing that THIS was the day we have been working towards and dreaming about. Ivan would leave the orphanage with us forever. He had slept his last night there. Eaten his last meal there. He would now come home with us to a new life, new family, new forever.

When the orphanage director brought him in, he was again nervous but warmed in time and allowed me to change his clothes and get him ready for our departure. I struggled through much of this time, feeling like my emotions were too big for my heart to contain. I was thankful, hopeful, sad, and heart-broken.

We took gifts to the caregivers, directors, and doctors. We also took the shoes Barrett had purchased. I imagined these exchanges to be tear-filled and memorable as I thanked them for their love and care for my son, but the items were delivered by Natasha while we waited for final papers to leave. We did have our moments of thanks, but the staff was quick to turn the thanks back to us and hurry us along.

I asked for permission to tour Ivan’s living quarters once again and take photographs this time. While not immediately thrilled with my seemingly presumptuous request, the orphanage director obliged. I am so glad I asked. That short walk will never be forgotten as I long as I live.

As we came to the bottom of the stairs, we turned a different way than I had gone on our first trp to see Ivan’s sleeping and play room. When I questioned, she told me that he was bigger now, he had moved to the side for the older children. It is law that you can’t see and certainly photograph any other children in the orphanage so I could hear that they had moved all of the children into a side room to stay out of my view.

We went first into the crib room, the nighttime sleeping room. Ivan’s afternoon caregiver was there waiting to show me which of the many cribs in the room was his. All of the cribs were numbered and as I looked around the room and tried to get it all into a photo, she waked over to a crib in the middle of many others and said, “This is Vanya’s crib. This is where he sleeps”. I almost couldn’t believe my eyes as I saw the number “7” on my sweet Ivan’s crib. “7” was Phil’s number in college and professional soccer for many years. Barrett now wears the “7” jersey and Maggie has worn the “7”… always to be like their Daddy. Ivan has also worn the “7”. He had a number “7” bib hanging in the bathroom and a number “7” sponge that he was cleaned with. He sat in chair “7” to eat and slept in crib “7”. Tender mercies from a loving God. Tender mercies.

Our farewell to the orphanage staff and especially Ivan’s afternoon caregiver proved to be overwhelmingly emotional. My heart sang with thanks and sorrow all at the same time as the caregiver asked to hold him and kiss him once more. Her tears were treasures I will hold in my heart forever. The director gave Barrett and Clara a small gift so they would “never forget Russia” and we were rushed out the door to the car while crying and waving just one last time.

The ride home was in the dark and Ivan was still as a mouse. So still in fact that a few times I put my hand firmly on his back to make sure he was breathing. He laid his head on my chest and firmly grasped one of my fingers for the entire ride home. With his other hand, he held one of Barrett’s fingers for the entire ride as well. Brothers. Ivan has a brother. A brother who worked for over a year to make this journey to the other side of the world to bring him home. A brother who could barely contain himself all morning waiting to go pick up his “little buddy”. A brother forever. The drive was almost silent. Peaceful. There were many prayers and thankful tears.

My cheeks hurt from smiling as I fed Ivan (he ate like a champ!) and watched him play after we returned. He is a smart and happy child…he “came alive” after only a short time here in the hotel room. I sponged him off with yummy baby soap and then did what I had been dying to do for so very long. I rubbed baby lotion on him and put him in a delicious footed sleeper and held him so tight. I didn’t want to put him to bed, but of course knew it was best. He has now been asleep all night, squirming a bit and quietly sucking him thumb, just like Maryn, Maggie, and Barrett all did.

I kept standing over the crib and staring at this precious gift. This miracle. We truly believe we are saving his life and as I looked down at his tiny body, sleeping soundly in he crib, I cried tears of praise over and over again. My heart kept simply saying, “Thank you Jesus. Thank you Jesus.”

I am sorry for the super long post, I just had to get this all out. A good cry at the computer has proven to be healing for my soul quite a few times in this process! We are heading to Moscow in a few hours on the train. I am honestly not ready to leave Nizhny yet. But what makes it good and sweet and beautiful is that this time, Ivan comes too!

Forever...

Today.

2008-10-31T05:59:00.000-07:00

My life has been forever changed. I will never again see October 31 the same. Today, in a small court room up many flights of stairs, on a brisk day in Nizhny Novgorod, Russia, I became a mother of 4.

We have just returned from our court hearing where Ivan was pronounced Ivan Philip Wolf and part of our family forever! Court went smoothly. Barrett did wonderful sitting silently and ultimately I am convinced won favor from the judge for us.

After our speeches, the judge asked some questions, a few of them about Barrett. She was so impressed that he was there, behaving so perfectly. She asked how he felt about having a brother and if he had been able to meet Ivan. The Lord was so very present, giving us peace and calmness. We spoke clearly and without mistake. The judge smiled many times, especially when looking through our family photo album. There was an unexplainable calm in the court room--the Lord mabe Himself known.

As the end of court came, the Public Attorney granted her approval of the adoption, but did not give her consent to waive the 10 day waiting period. Our coordinators knew how much we were desiring this but had communicated that it is not common in Nizhny anymore and is unheard of in many other regions in Russia. Our hearts sank when the Attorney's words were translated. The judge left the room and I asked if the judge could disagree with the Attorney and waive the 10 days anyway. We were told that the judge had never disagreed with the Attorney before. I sat down, closed my eyes and began to pray. Although I will admit that I was nervous and worried, there was a much more dominant feeling of confidence upon my entire being.

Many months ago, one of our pastors shared the following passage with us: "The king's [ruler's] heart is in the hand of the LORD. Like the rivers of water; He turns it wherever He wishes." Proverbs 21:1. I am convinced that the Lord put this on our pastor's heart for us for this very moment. This is how I prayed.

Our translator was very nervous and upset. As I finished praying, I knew that the judge would waive the 10 days, even though the attorney had said No. From the beginning, this process has been evidence that it is the Lord who is at work and will receive all credit, not any woman or man. I knew that though this would be the first time it had ever happened this way, it could happen this way with the Lord at work. His mighty Hand moved.

The judge came back, waived the 10 days, and we were done. Parents of 4. Mommy and Daddy to Ivan forever. This day will never be forgotten. We left in a daze. Our coordinator and translator rushed out to complete the final steps of our adoption. Final steps.

We are set to pick up Ivan tomorrow!! We will spend one last day in NN and then head down to Moscow on Sunday. Phil and Barrett leave for CA on November 3rd and Clara, Ivan and I get to go home on November 7th!

This post is full of errors I am sure, and I know it is not very well-written, but I am busy and excited and overwhelmed. Thank you for your prayers! Here are just a few photos of us with Ivan yesterday...more to come SOON you can be sure!

Full

2008-10-30T05:12:00.000-07:00

We have just returned from our visit with Ivan. There really are not words for what today held for us. I was nervous this morning before we left and even for the hour and half car ride to his orphanage. We sat down in the orphanage Director's office first and heard a medical update since we were last here. The anticipation was building and my patience was wearing very thin.

We were then taken in to the family meeting room where Ivan was waiting for Phil and I. That initial moment of seeing him was more than I expected. All of my anxiety and fear were washed away and joy took over. He looks mostly the same, with a tiny bit more hair but not much change in his size. After a few minutes with just Phil and I, we sent for Clara and Barrett to come in. Again, there are not words for these meetings. Barrett was great with him and he took to big brother very well. Thankfully I took another set of the same stacking cups he fell in love with on our first trip. Ivan and Barrett were precious playing build the tower and knock it over. Barrett also loved feeding him Cheerios which he really likes.

Ivan took to Clara also-it was such a special moment to hear her speaking Russian to him and introducing herself as his Babushka. He loved her glasses and jewelry and was all around very playful and interactive. Everyone in the orphanage LOVED her and is so excited that he will have a true Russian Babushka!

He is walking a bit now so that was fun to see. Still not entirely confident on his feet, he preferred to hold onto one of our hands to get around--contact we of course were thrilled with. Truly, the entire visit was rich and wonderful--we felt confident and at ease.

My mama's heart was filled to overflowing as Ivan fell asleep on me by the end of our visit. I have said many times that I think there is healing power in holding a sleeping baby...today that was even more true than ever before. Tears rolled down my cheek as my baby boy slept on my chest. I breathed him in and thanked the Lord for yet another tender act to my soul.

We are heading out now for a meeting to prepare for court tomorrow. Our court case is at 2pm which we have learned since being here is actually 4am in CA as Russia has switched to winter time already. We feel excited and hopeful. We will be sure to update right away after court.

I also want to share a wonderful thing we were able to witness and take part in today. I was asked by my new friend Tracy who adopted a little girl from Ivan's orphanage only a few months ago, to take a photo album of their little girl back to the orphanage to show them how well she was doing. The Director was thrilled and of course remembered the sweet little girl. She kept saying Thank you, Thank you very much, and was delighted to be able to keep the album and show the other caregivers. Thank you Tracy for allowing us a window into this miracle. I have photos of the Director looking at the book for you!

Tombs, Trains, and Lattes

2008-10-29T19:26:00.001-07:00

Our day in Moscow was fabulous! The weather was wonderful, we got to see many things, and even enjoyed some familiar treats in this far away place. Our hotel in Moscow was excellent--we are so thankful for the Marriott points we were able to use there.

The highlight in Moscow was being in Red Square with Phil's mom, Clara. We had been walking around enjoying the sights and sounds of Moscow for a while already, but something about standing in front of St. Basil's Cathedral is huge and grounding. Clara stood there looking at the gorgeous building and with tears in her eyes said, "I never imagined I would be standing here again...With one of my sons...to bring home my 12th grandchild...I just can't believe I am really here". We are so glad she is here to share in this with us, and we are also thankful for her Russian which is helping us get directions, order our food, and buy groceries with a bit more confidence than our last trip.

We also went to "visit Lenin" as they say here. Now, this is creepy I will not lie. His body looks so strange in this dark, quiet dungeon of a tomb. Phil and I had wanted to "see him" on our last trip but it was busy and confusing and we ran out of time. This time, I was determined--it feels "once in a lifetime" to me. And I will not forget it. Perhaps the strangest thing I have seen, and very, very creepy. But also unforgettable.Starbucks and McDonalds helped Barrett feel safe and well fed. He has eaten french fries at nearly every meal so far I think. He also has a strong affection for pelimini, a ravioli type soup that Phil's mom has been spoiling us with for many years. Between the 2, I know he will always be well-fed here. (Not the mention the hefty stash of snacks and goodies we brought from home--a special thanks to Jamie for all of our favorites!)

After our morning in Moscow, we headed to the train station. Getting all of us in the train cabin with our luggage must have been a sight to behold. We did make it however and all took a rest in our very small, HOT train cabin. We were told that they lock the windows in the cold months...and the heat is on full blast. Everyone did great and we were thrilled to finally arrive in Nizhny around 7pm.

It is amazing how good and familiar everything feels here. We even saw some of the same hotel staff as our last trip--familiarity brings such comfort.

It is early in the morning here. We are waking up at strange hours, but also taking naps when needed so we feel rested. We head out to see Ivan in a few hours. I simply can't believe we are back and will be holding him again in such a short time. We are also tremendously thankful as our coordinator here said there is no problem with Barrett and Clara going to the orphanage with us--we are THRILLED with that as it was a question mark before we left to come. I am not even sure of all of my emotions about this visit honestly. There is such an unknown element about every single part of it. But we are going back to see our little man. We have been dreaming about this and praying for this and waiting for this. We are excited, nervous, ready, and peaceful. God is very near.

Thank you for your continued prayers.

Here

2008-10-28T21:15:00.000-07:00

We are here in Moscow and all is well. Our flight was very smooth (although there is NO leg room on Aeroflot!) The direct flight to Moscow made such a difference. All of our luggage made it safely with us, and that is a special blessing as we were traveling with 11 suitcases plus carry-ons.

Now, before you flip out on our over packing, I need to tell you that only 5 of those were ours, the others are for Clara's cousin Nina and her family that live here in Moscow. I must admit my stress and a bit or irritation at all of this luggage. We were packed in our minivan like sardines, looked like a movie going into the airport and through security, and I had this nagging fear that we would be at the Moscow airport looking everywhere for Nina. This was not at all the case. Everything with the luggage went smoothly, we only had to pay $200 total to bring all of the extra bags, Nina and one of her sons Sasha were all smiles and spotted Clara right away. And they must have had to wait a while since passport control took FOREVER.

The smiles on Nina and Sasha were worth every bit of stress and headache. And we got to meet family...priceless.

And for the record, Barrett did AWESOME! His Nintendo DS lasted every minute he was awake on the plane. We are having a bit of a bummer as his DS won't charge even with the converter here for some reason. He will survive though, he is proving to be a wonderful traveler!
I am letting Phil, Clara, and Barrett sleep in for a FEW more minutes, (it is 6:30am here) but it is not easy for me to do so. I am so eager to get out and see the sights before our train ride this afternoon up to Nizhny Novgorod. We plan to see Red Square and Barrett has McDonald's in his mind (and maybe Starbucks too!)

We are missing Maggie and Maryn like crazy but had a wonderful surprise to get an email from Maggie this morning. Thanks to all who are sending messages, we are so thankful for the ability to stay in touch.

We will write more tonight after our full day.

With much love,
Phil, Melanie, Barrett, and Clara

The Crazy Place

2008-10-26T00:46:00.000-07:00

I am living in the "Crazy Place". You know the place where you can't complete a logical sentence, can't remember what you went into the garage for, and can't finish ANYthing? That is where I am. I call it the Crazy Place. It is also the place where I get bizarre surges of "super productivity"--I clean out the garage, move all of the furniture out of the bedrooms to have the carpets cleaned, pack, unpack, and repack suitcases , do a million and one errands at super speed, and still have time for a nice warm bath in the wee hours of my quiet night. But all the while, in between my productive surges, I am in the crazy place. I forget to eat (actually I should say I forget to eat meals, I seem to have no problem remembering to eat peanut butter M&Ms and Hot Tamales!), am WAY TOO sensitive to sounds and distractions, and sometimes stare off into space.

People keep asking me if I am excited. In all truth, I am not. I am overwhelmed. I am happy, I feel peaceful, and hopeful, but I am not excited. Excited feels light and free, I feel nervous. I wonder what I have forgotten. I can't decide whether to wear pants and a twin set or a dress or a suit to court. (advice welcome here!), I look at my lists over and over again in hopes that something can be checked off. I feel a heaviness, a weight that recognizes how HUGE this trip is. Please don't misread my language here. I am overwhelmed with many things: emotion (lots of tears at lots of random moments), resolve, , thanks, and that sense that though what is ahead is massive and daunting, it is beautiful and worth every stress and headache. I think this is how I felt when I was being induced with each of my daughters too. I was ready for the end, but overwhelmed at the thought of how I had to get there. This is how I feel tonight.

But when I am wandering around my house feeling overwhelmed, trying to choose which task to tackle, I peek into "the boys' room". I sometimes even go sit and rock in the chair. I unfold and refold blankets, pajamas, and outfits. I imagine Ivan here. Ivan will come home to this crib in this room in this house,...MY HOUSE!! When I walk into this room, my craziness subsides, even just for a moment. I rest in the overwhelmed place, because what is ahead, what is at the end, is what we have been hoping and praying and dreaming about for many, many months. I find peace here. God is so good.
(PS- there are photos of Ivan in this photo that have his face missing...this is creepy I know. I only did it on the computer so I could post this photo...his face is very present and very cute on the photos that are actually IN his room!)

Progress

2008-10-20T22:09:00.001-07:00

We are making some serious progress in our preparations for our departure in 6 days!

Flights and hotels are booked...yippee!
Visas are set to arrive Friday.
Most of the necessary items for little Ivan and ourselves have been purchased.
We have new, crisp bills (and more on the way)
The sheets are on the newly set up crib.
There are clothes in the adorable red dresser that has been waiting to be filled.
Toys came out of storage and were washed and put in new toy bins.
We are telling everyone who will listen what is JUST AROUND THE CORNER...

Our trip agenda as of right now is this (much is subject to change...be on the lookout for changes--I will post any that occur):
October 27: Flight to Moscow
October 28: Arrive Moscow and get some good rest
October 29: Tour Moscow a bit and catch the late afternoon train to Nizhny
October 30: Go to orphanage to visit Ivan
October 31: Court at 2pm Nizhny time (3am California time)
November 3: Phil and Barrett fly back to USA while Clara and I wait for all of the final waiting/ steps until we can bring Ivan home
November 14: Clara, Melanie, and Ivan fly HOME!

I am tired and still have LOTS of items on today's list to check off, but I will post again before we leave for sure.

Trick or Treat!

2008-10-14T12:59:00.000-07:00

Do they trick-or-treat in Russia? This is the important question today in our family (for Barrett anyway).

We got a court date!! October 31!!

Things are CRAZY here. We have only known 1 hour and are feverishly preparing.

Look for updates soon and please be praying for all that needs to be accomplished in these next 2 weeks.

Tagged

2008-10-13T22:03:00.000-07:00

Well, I have been "tagged". My assignment is to write six random facts about myself. Hmmmm...I can think of lots of very random (perhaps even strange) things...it is just about choosing which ones to share!
Rules:
1. Link to the person that tagged you.
2. Post the rules on the blog.
3. Write six random facts about yourself.
4. Tag six people at the end of your post.
5. Let each person know they have been tagged.
6. Let the taggers know when your "Six Random Things" entry is up.

1. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE old fashioned popcorn: the kind made in a WhirleyPopper with oil, salt and butter. It is my comfort food. Sometimes I eat it for dinner. I cry less if I eat popcorn.

2. I eat a lot of candy. More than is normal for a woman in her 30's.

3. I am a sucker for flavored coffee creamers. Pumpkin Spice, Peppermint, etc. They make me wake up nicer.

4. I have a weird sound issue--Noise makes me kind of crazy if I am trying to do anything else at all. Especially talk or listen.

5. I do not like rice in my burritos. Californians think I am strange. I do not think rice belongs in burritos. Ever.

6. I have a need to create: write, sew, bead, etc. It is healing to my soul. I need to do it more.

Now for my victims of this exposing little game:
Chrystal
Melissa
Ashley
Michelle
Katie
Lindsay

Filling it!

2008-10-08T15:05:00.000-07:00

I took the plunge and ordered a baby sling. It was a bit of a monumental purchase for me as I have still not been buying much for little Ivan. But I felt ready to get my sling (and felt like I needed to practice a bit before the item was fully necessary to use). I have never had a sling before. But all of my cool mommy friends use slings now and I have read oodles of positive comments about using a sling to promote attachment in adoption. So I'm in the club now...I am planning to be a slinging mommy...we'll see if the little man and I grow as fond of it as everyone else seems to be.

Now, slings are as varied as ice cream flavors so you can be sure I had a bit of stress over which sling to order. I settled on a "hybrid ring sling" as it seemed to be a good "starter sling" and fairly easy to use. It arrived on Saturday and I was a bit overwhelmed but up for the challenge, so I scooped up my 3 and a half year old (who weighs A LOT more than Ivan) and took the sling for a..."sling-spin"! Maryn giggled the entire time and I got more comfortable in the different positions it can be used. (Well, "comfortable" is maybe a stretch. She is 40 pounds and that was a bit heavier than I would prefer the sling to be).

I thought about posting a picture of me with my small dog in the sling, but it is honestly a bit disturbing. Although closer in size to Ivan, again, disturbing and a bit damaging for my dog I fear! I am however posting a few pictures of my girls and the slings I made them. They simply could NOT go without them and begged me to order them one right away. I decided to do a bit of research and after finding a free pattern online and some fabric in my garage, we were all set. It was a fun project and each girl helped me sew their own. There have been lots of baby dolls taking rides on my sweet girls lately. They have love practicing being mommies. (Maryn actually prefers to carry small stuffed animals. Which is quite handy really as she is like a zoo-keeper these days...we honestly have kittens, puppies, elephants, a koala, and an assortment of other small cute things with us wherever we go. And please don't be concerned, they must ALL be buckled in seat belts in the car when we go anywhere. Literally. Like a traveling circus.)

So, I am gonna be a sling-Mommy and I am pretty stoked about that. My wise friend said the other day as she spoke affectionately of her super hip Mommy sling, "The only thing better than having it is filling it..." Amen!

More Waiting

2008-10-02T09:28:00.000-07:00

Ivan has been "showing up" around our house. Today he appeared in Maryn's drawing of our family (also featuring the 'happy sun' and 'octopus in the sky'!). He is being mentioned in more and more conversations, prayers, story-telling, and even a few far-fetched excuses! Maggie brought home an "All About Me" poster today that listed that she has 2 brothers. I cried. When she saw my tears she said, "What mom? I do!"

I find myself saying I am a mother of "almost 4" (which evokes a few confused looks...sometimes I just smile...). I love that we talk about him. I can't wait until he can hear us.

Ivan also has a collection of clothes now--just essentials really--his super cozy snow suit for our time in Russia, some basic shirts, sweatpants, and a few delicious pajamas. I confess that I have a pajama problem. I love kids in p.j.'s...especially the footed sleeper kind...Ivan has some of those you can be sure.

We have no new news. We DID however complete our final documents needed for court (well, let's not say "final", that sounds too definite...I know all too well that is not likely true). We sent off the final things Nizhny was asking for, were re-fingerprinted for our I 171-H, and now are just waiting for the vacationing judge to assign us a court date. Someone asked me the other day where I thought a judge in Nizhny vacationed for 5 weeks...I think this is a good question to ponder. One friend even speculated that the judge could be here, in Southern California vacationing...perhaps we have seen her. (I hope I was having one of my good days if I did.) And I hope she was prepared for the oppressive heat we are having. MISERY. It really is bad--and it makes me a little nutty. October is for sweatshirts, pumpkin spice lattes, and yummy smelling candles. It is not fun to drink pumpkin spice lattes when it is 100 degrees outside. It should almost not be allowed :)

Wherever the judge finds herself (and I am quite certain that she is NOT in SoCal), I hope it is restful and refreshing. I hope she comes back ready and eager to get some kids to their forever homes. (And let's have Ivan be the first one, shall we?)

Prayers

2008-09-25T14:14:00.000-07:00

In these L...O...N...G days of waiting during our adoption process--first to just begin our paperwork, then for our agency to get re-accredited, for us to get assigned to a region, then to be officially registered in that region, to receive a referral, then to finally travel to meet Ivan, and now to hear about a court date from Nizhny, there is little I can do but pray. For a "type A" like myself who likes to fix, figure out, and accomplish, this is torture. But I am learning to get comfortable in this place, the place of prayers.

Prayer has always been a central part of my relationship with God, an ever-growing part. I have been in prayer groups since college. I have led prayer groups (1 currently with 4 amazing college women). Prayer is something I am constantly desiring to learn more about. And do more. I know I need to pray more.

I have even gotten to speak on the topic of prayer a few times and what I always come to in my preparation, study, conversations, and even prayer about prayer is that if I really believed that God heard my prayers, my life would look very different. I would not worry. I would not stress. I would pray and hope and trust. Period.

Earlier this year, I came in contact with another adoptive parent. She has a gorgeous daughter from China and her accounts of praying for her little girl during their long process to adopt her helped me pray for Ivan. God opened my eyes and gave me ways to pray for Ivan specifically even before we met him. I pray for health of course, but also for his sleep, his birth parents, his caregivers. I pray that God would gently rock him back to sleep when he wakes up in the middle of the night. I pray that he can hear God singing sweetly over him and find comfort in the loving arms of God when he cries. I pray for his complete healing and restoration--I picture God's huge healing hands laying softly on each part of his body: his head and brain, muscles and organs, bones, limbs, and especially his little heart and soul. I ask the God who knit him in his birth mother's womb to carefully and precisely heal and restore him. And I know God hears me. I am believing that more and more each day.

Right now we are also praying for:

Our final documents (recently expired) to be finished and sent to Russia.
Fingerprint clearance extension for our I 171-H--we got an appointment TODAY and will go first thing in the morning! PRAISE GOD!
Ivan's health--he is losing weight. He has lost 7 ounces since we were there and is already very small so that is concerning.
To find favor with the judge in Nizhny so we can be invited to court soon.
Details with our court trip--Melanie's mom is hoping to fly out to care for the girls; this trip is likely to fall during playoffs for Phil's coaching job; Barrett and Phil's mom plan to travel with us.
Our adoption finances--we have quite a ways to go.
God's healing peace for our agency, CHI--major restructuring has put strain on directors, staff, and adopting families.
God to continue to prepare us to be Ivan's family.
God to use our story and experience to encourage others and spread the word about adoption.

And as I mentioned, I know God hears. His answers already in our process have at times left me speechless. I sometimes go back through each of these answers, the little miracles where God richly blessed us, and I remind myself that He is the same God today. He continues to hear and He continues to answer. And I will continue to pray.

Baby Toes

2008-09-16T17:12:00.000-07:00

We took a family outing last week. It is a fairly rare thing these days for us to all pile in the car and head somewhere together just for fun so it was a special treat.

Early in our adoption process we decided that we would purchase some things for the orphanage, specifically for the children who would remain there after we brought our little one home. Our kids were especially excited about this--dreaming of all of the legos, puzzles, and coloring books they would purchase and donate. We tried to encourage their giving hearts while also knowing that those were not likely things that would be needed or even wanted, especially in a baby house (or baby orphanage) like the one where Ivan lives.

During our first trip, we noticed that many of the "American" toys, or things we assumed were purchased in America, were on display in the family visitation room, the room where we met Ivan and where other families will go to meet their new sons and daughters. We realized that we needed to bring something terribly practical, useful for day to day life in an orphanage. While we were there, we brain-stormed and day-dreamed about what we could take, seeing Ivan's little feet gave us an idea.

Our first day visiting with him he had on tights under his pants. Royal blue tights that might have fit me if I had tried them on (OK, maybe not, but they did not fit him). They swallowed him, his feet literally swam in the extra fabric. On our second visit, we found him in two pairs of socks, one that fit and one that did not. Now I have a real thing for baby feet, for teeny tiny toes. I love to tickle them, smooch them and even take a delicious little nibble of the very bottom where they are so soft and smell like, well, baby feet.

We took Ivan's socks off most of the time we were with him, but I know that is not very popular in Russian orphanages. They love to bundle the little ones to keep them warm and protected from drafts. They always bundle their feet. It was then that I had an idea. What if we took some of those soft, leather baby shoes? What if we collected them and donated them for the children?

I pitched the idea to our kids once we were home and they loved it! Especially Barrett who has spear-headed the family fundraising efforts. One of the first things he had wanted to purchase after he bought his own plane ticket were some things for the orphanage. He decided to start with these:

Twelve pairs of soft, leather baby shoes that we think will be very practical for the children. Barrett had a blast choosing them (although his first-born nature was slightly stressed out with the size and decoration options). He paid for them himself, with money he had recently earned in a HUGE recycling run. It was priceless to see him pull the cash out of his zip-loc bag which reads, "for Russia". The check-out clerk was very impressed by his articulate response to the "What are you buying all of the shoes for?"question as he handed her the bills. "For my brother's orphanage in Russia" he responded with a proud grin. As she handed him his change she told him that her own brother was adopted too. Smiles, a nod, an instant bond.

I love these little shoes. I kind of have a thing for anything small, anything teeny and dainty. And I love these. But what I love most when I look at them is thinking of all of the teeny tiny baby toes that will fill them and be kept warm and cozy on even the chilliest days in Russia. I have been praying for all those teeny tiny toes, for health, love, and forever families that will tickle, smooch, and nibble their delicious little feet. I know not many of those toes will have forever families and that makes me very sad. But for now, I hope these little shoes will keep those precious baby toes safe and warm, as all baby toes should be.

Roller-coasters

2008-09-10T11:34:00.000-07:00

I always thought I liked roller-coasters. I mean, I have liked them in the past. Even when I was young, I enjoyed the thrill, the take your breath away feeling, the at first forced and then uncontrollable laughter to keep from being terrified. Really, I have great memories of going on roller-coasters as a child and even as an adult.

What I do not like at all are emotional roller-coasters. This of course is on my mind because I am on one and I do not like it. I do not like the completely out of control and unstable feeling that goes along with it. I do not like opening each email with held breath unsure of whether the contents will make me leap for joy or fall down sobbing. I do not like the super highs followed by devastating lows and how literally crazy that makes me feel. A friend last night said to me, "You have not swallowed a crazy pill...things really ARE crazy right now..." This helps me some, but when I get right down to it, I am tired of crazy. I am tired of the roller-coaster.

As you may have guessed, the judge in Nizhny has gone on vacation. She will now be gone even longer than we were originally told. She did not assign us a court date before she left. When she returns in over a month, she will peruse our documents and if they are sufficient for her, she will invite us back. In the meantime, quite a few of those precious documents that cost me much time, effort, and money, will be "too old". I am not even sure how some of them will be re-done. We are out of favors with many (this will be the 3rd time for these docs) and our insurance will not pay for these superfluous forms, labs, appointments.

Our little man must wait even longer and so must we. The new projected time line falls at an even more inconvenient time. We must invest even more time, effort, and money--all of which are running a bit low these days. These are the low points. These are the places on the roller-coaster where it feels like you left your stomach on a high arch and you are now plummeting quickly to a low and shaky place where murky water may splash up. (YUCK!...where did that mental image come from?)

Tonight will hopefully be a higher point (see what I mean about the craziness of riding this thing?). Our house will be filled with bracelet-making friends who will play with the kids, eat yummy snacks graciously donated by a kind soul, and help us get a little closer to bringing Ivan home. Tonight I might be able to momentarily forget about low parts and hopefully enjoy the ride.

It is the middle of the night in Nizhny Novgorod right now. Ivan is asleep and unaware of how desperately hard we are trying to bring him home and how much our hearts ache for him. He is sleeping in his little white crib in the room where I stood on my last day with him. I pray that he is safe, warm, full, and well. I pray that he is dreaming of flowers and fields, playgrounds and swing sets, or many even the waves in the ocean. I can't wait to show him all of those places. And I kind of hope that someday he likes roller-coasters.

Bummed and Blessed

2008-09-05T22:28:00.000-07:00

We have no news on a court date so that is a bummer, a big bummer. The judge is now on a month-long vacation (I am beginning to think that a Russian adoption judge is not the worst gig in the world!) so we just have to wait this out and see what happens. Wait. Wait. Wait. It is simply amazing how many times I use that word in reference to our adoption process...it MUST be the most frequently used word on adoption blogs: we all wait, wait, wait, and wait some more.

The truth is, I have been feeling a little "void of emotion"at times, very "IF we get a court date" and "IF we get to bring Ivan home" and I hate that. I try to "snap out of it" and get some positivity, but I struggle if I am honest. The wait takes it toll on my mind and my heart.

Well, today I received a major blessing! When I am bumming, I blog-stalk...I read and re-read blogs I love and seek out new ones. In an attempt to catch up on some I hadn't seen in a while, I re-found one I hadn't seen in months. Something in this blog quickly drew me in and I hadn't read very much of it so I decided to "look back" and try to get more of the story for this beautiful little girl who also was adopted from Russia. As I looked back through (she has been home 4 months), I realized that she was adopted from Nizhny Novgorod! I got so excited I commented on the blog right away in hopes to connect with this family to talk about Nizhny. As I looked further, I saw a photo they had taken of their little girl on their 2nd trip and I flipped out. She was sitting on a rug that is forever etched in my memory. I read a little more and sure enough, I knew without a doubt that she was from Ivan's orphanage!!!

I quickly commented (again) with my email address and the news I had discovered. Her mom and I emailed briefly and decided to chat on the phone. We talked for over an hour and it was fantastic! Their little girl is only 6 months older than Ivan, we feel certain that they were at the orphanage together for a time. We exchanged stories and a few photos via email and yet another blessing emerged. There is a photo display in the orphanage of some of the children who have been adopted and their daughter's photo is part of the display! The mom recognized her immediately and even saw that in the photo her little girl is holding onto her new mommy's hands! When I told my kids about the whole situation, Maggie looked at the little girl's photo and said with a grin, "She and Ivan were TOTALLY friends, I just know it!"

I can't explain what a bright spot in my day this was today. I have found a friend whose baby girl lived where my baby boy is. She has literally seen what I saw and stepped where I stepped. We have both been in the same room in this unforgettable pink building...only a few months apart. This is absolutely priceless, a treasure beyond words. I feel so blessed and am thrilled for all that is ahead.

Pressing On

2008-08-26T22:52:00.000-07:00

Most of you know about our massive beading crusade I think. We (well actually our genius son Barrett) began making bracelets in May of 2007 to raise money towards our adoption. It started as Barrett's quest to raise enough money for his own plane ticket to Russia to "pick up" his new brother. Fifteen months and MANY blessings later, his then small craft project has become a major effort involving the time and energy of over 70 people to bring our little man home. (You can read all about the beginning of this project and some of the blessings along the way in earlier posts on this blog if you are interested).

Well, I decided to post about this effort again because I am trying to focus on "pressing on". We decided as a family that we would continue to make and sell bracelets as long as people would buy them. We are convinced that this has been an on-going answer to our prayers for the Lord to miraculously provide the finances for our adoption. We have been blown away by the support in our community and communities all over the U.S. I have had a few people ask lately if we were still making bracelets...and the answer is YES! Our family has continued to make them over the summer (many were crafted as we sat with trays on our laps during the Olympic coverage--perfect timing!), and we are also excited for the return of a wonderful weekly tradition where MANY bracelets are made.

We are tremendously blessed to work on a college campus and some of the students there have been the major work force behind this effort in recent months. We hold "bracelet night" at our house once a week where our home is filled with eager and able bodies who make bracelets, eat yummy treats, and share in this journey we are on. It has become a highlight for our family each and every week.

After a summer pause on the "bracelet night" crusade, students are returning to campus and are asking about our weekly gathering! I was not sure if the momentum would still be strong, but it is of course stronger than ever because they get to hear all about our visit with "little man" and are eager to meet him.

If you find yourself wanting a fun piece of jewelry with a great story, please know that you can still order them!! And there is a new hot product on the block too...the black and white "Made for An Angel" bracelet. There is ordering info on the side of our main blog site; please feel free to leave a comment if you have any questions or to place an order. (The photo here is actually of a kids' black and white--the adult would have more rows of beads, but you get the idea.)

We are excited about pressing (and beading!) on in this challenging (but VERY worth it) journey.

Ahhh Summer...

2008-08-25T15:12:00.001-07:00

I am not sure what says summer better than swinging on a tree swing through the sprinkler... Today is our "last day of summer", school starts for the kids tomorrow. We'll celebrate tonight with a special dinner and dessert and wake up early for the big day...1st and 3rd grade...these are to be very significant years for us indeed!

It has been exactly 4 weeks since we boarded a plane to travel what felt like a million miles to meet little Ivan. Today has been a hard day for me. I think because it feels like an ending to such fun summer things, and the eve of great beginnings with school for the kids tomorrow, but no word at all on our process to bring Ivan home. The news we have gotten has been that there are more things needed before a court date can be assigned to us. Our in-country contact refuses to reply to our communications, furthering the confusion and mis-communications. I feel frustrated. I feel tired. I feel like there is a ticking time-bomb counting down the days and minutes to more (actually EVERY) expired documents, expired double entry visas, a country at war that must 'invite' us back, and a judge in Nizhny leaving for a month-long vacation.

I am striving for hope, but it is not coming very easily to me these days. I feel a physical ache, a literal pain in my chest when I look at a photo or video of Ivan...I miss that little man. And while that emotion accompanies an ache in my heart, it also represents such good things to me. I miss him because I met him, I held him, shared Cheerios with him, saw where he lives, watched him play, listened to him laugh, saw his adorable contagious smile, and now I miss him.

Vanya

2008-08-16T23:41:00.000-07:00

Back in early 2008, I ordered a book titled Vanya. It was a bit of an impulse buy when I am honest. It came to me on Amaz0n as a recommended book because of my affinity for biographies and autobiographies of other Christians. I absolutely love to read the accounts of women and men of faith--their stories inspire me.

I picked up Vanya a few times and started it, but never got very far. It is not that I wasn't interested, there were just other books on my bedside table that seemed a little more pressing to read. Vanya is the true story of a soldier in the Soviet Red Army who endured two years of horrid persecution, torture , and incarceration for his faith in the 1970s. The accounts of his bold stand for his faith in the living God are unforgettable. Vanya was eventually martyred (the back cover of the book gives away this fact as well...I am not spoiling anything I promise!), but only after experiencing amazing miracles in his own life and the life of those around him as he prayed for them and God answered in unbelievable ways.

When I finally picked the book up on my visit to see family in Tennessee this summer, I literally couldn't put it down. I finished it on July 2nd while flying home to CA and managed to read the final paragraphs while walking off the plane with luggage in my arms. I told and re-told so many of the stories in this book so many times, that even my kids can recount what God did in and through the life of Vanya. My oldest, Barrett, has asked when I will let him read this book that has quickly risen to my favorites list. I have ordered extra copies and passed them to close friends. This book inspired me, it increased my faith, and it enlarged my view of a mighty and powerful God. It challenged my prayer life and drew my heart closer to the One who answers.

When I received "the call" from our agency on July 7th to learn about our referral for a little boy named Ivan, I was overcome. So many things raced through my mind and my heart in those unforgettable moments. I remember writing the few facts about Ivan down and even re-tracing them as the reality sunk in. I shared the few details with Phil, and then with tear-filled eyes told him: "Vanya's real name was Ivan".

Vanya is the story of Ivan Moiseyev. "Vanya" is the popular nickname for Ivan in Russia. "Vanya" is the nickname for our little Ivan as well. Each time the caregiver or our translator referred to him, they called him "Vanya", and every time I heard that name, I remembered the life-changing story of Ivan Moiseyev, fresh on my mind and impressed upon my heart forever.

I believe God led me to purchase that book many months ago, to set it back down on my bedside table on a few occasions, and then to read it only days before we would learn about another little "Vanya" to remind me that He is here! He is the living God, the God who heals, who sees, who saves, and who works miracles in the lives of those who call upon Him. While I don't know the end of the story of this "little Vanya", I do know that the living God who radically moved in the life of Ivan Moiseyev is the same God I love and serve today.

I hope you'll read this incredible book, and when you do, would you please utter a prayer to the Living God for our little Vanya too?

Couldn't Resist!!

2008-08-13T00:09:00.000-07:00

Please look at these 2 super cute outfits I simply couldn't pass up...they were literally made for me I think (...well OK, they won't actually fit ME...).

Really Ready

2008-08-08T19:26:00.000-07:00

We have been home for 5 days and it seems like 5 hours and 5 weeks all at the same time. We have re-adjusted to West Coast time and are feeling a bit further along in the whole "processing" of our time in Nizhny with Ivan and the visit to Russia as a whole.

Here is what I have concluded: Someone could have told me every single thing that would happen on each day we were there, and I still would not have been fully prepared. I was well-read, well-blogged (you know what I mean), had asked many questions of professionals and other adopting families, and still, was not "really ready". I don't know what could have prepared me for the emotional roller-coaster, mental & physical exhaustion, and spiritual struggle that I experienced...perhaps part of this whole deal is that I wasn't supposed to be really ready. As I think back on my 10 year marriage to Phil, we weren't really ready until we had to be--at each step-- job-changes, the birth of a child, loss of a parent, moves, etc. Part of grace is not knowing all that lies ahead I believe. If we knew it all, I'm not sure we'd press on. We'd give up, veer off the chosen path, and bow out for an easier way. But in His perfect grace, God only reveals what we must know for the present, the rest comes in good time.

As I think about our trip, there are many highs and then many tear-filled memories, some of them actually the exact same experiences. We watched the videos we took of Ivan last night with our other kids. They loved seeing him crawl, play, smile, and laugh. There is a moment in the video during our last visit with him when I am holding him on my knees, facing me. We are sitting on the floor and I am "stealing kisses" from the sweet little spot on his neck, just behind his ears. He is smiling. And then we "catch eyes". He looks right at me and as I whisper to him and lean in to steal another smooch, he touches his forehead to mine and makes a precious little sound. He is trying to talk to me, with our eyes only an inch or so apart, and I remembered every millisecond of the interaction. Nothing could have prepared me for that. No one could have told me what it would feel like to live or even re-watch such a tender moment.

It was good for me to watch it again honestly. As much as I don't want to admit it, my heart remains guarded. I feel like a crazy person as I flutter around between excited, scared, hopeful, filled with joy, and then also at times filled with doubt. I LOVE showing off my photo brag book of his sweet little face and our visits with him; I love remembering and recounting each day of our trip and what it felt like to hold him, watch him, and then eventually to leave him.

The hope is that we will return in mid-October for our court date (which is yet to be assigned). The judge in Nizhny will be on vacation from Sept. 8-Oct. 8 so our hope is to get assigned a court date prior to her departure, and then to actually have our court date be just as she returns. This feels good to us. We were expecting a "few" months, knowing that nothing is certain when it comes to adoption and to Russia. We remain hopeful that God will make a way for us. We continue to pray that He will open and close doors in His perfect time and perfect plan. There are days when I do really great with all of this, and days when I do not. There are days when I cry a lot, and days when I don't cry at all. I am "fragile" I say. I think this is a state of being I (and my family!) might have to get used to for a while.

We recently had some wonderful moments with dear friends who prayed with us, shared visions they've had, and blessed our sweet little boy half-a-world away. It is in moments like these when I feel most hopeful, most joyful, and most trusting of my God. The enormous leap of faith that this requires of me is perhaps the thing most overwhelming at any given moment. As I have mentioned in this blog before, I read from Streams in the Desert and am blessed daily by the truth this classic devotional holds. While we were in Nizhny, there were 2 entires that ministered to my soul in powerful days. They were of course July 31 and Aug 1, the days of our 2nd and 3rd visits with Ivan. Both spoke of God's guidance and His complete trustworthiness. One was even mentioned in the blog of a fellow sojourner while we read from our hotel room in Nizhny on an emotionally draining morning. God has been very near and very tender to my fragile soul. I will share more details of those stories in coming posts.

Goodnight for now.

Huge Grace

2008-08-02T06:16:00.000-07:00

6:30pm Saturday, Aug.2 (Moscow, Russia)

I imagined updating our blog more often...the days just race by I guess. It is hard to believe that we are closing in on our departure from Russia and will soon be headed back to California...hard to believe but REALLY good nonetheless.

We are in Moscow right now, we arrived early this AM after a night train from Nizhny. We were hoping to drop our luggage here at our wonderful hotel and "kill some time" walking to Red Square and historical Arbat Street. We got to our hotel before 7am and were beyond thrilled when they let us check into our room 8 hours early!! I nearly cried honestly...it was such a surprising blessing. I took a long bath, read for a while, and just relaxed. It was so nice to have this time to refresh and rest a bit before heading out on our day of sightseeing and walking more than 10 miles!

We had a great time seeing St. Basil's Cathedral, Red Square, The Kremlin, and many other impressively huge buildings. We are absolutely amazed at the vastness of Moscow. It is like nothing I have ever seen in my life.

Our visit with "Little Man" yesterday was great. He was so fun and playful...we smiled and laughed the entire visit I think. We also got to speak with the orphanage Dr. again and got some additional information about him which was very helpful. We have been very concerned with his "smallness"--not in and of itself, but he has stopped gaining weight (in the last 2 months) and had only gained a small amount in the 2 months prior to that. This was alarming to us and our IA specialist back in the US. We were able to get his last blood work writeup (from mid-July) and our IA Dr. believes he may be anemic which could account for his weight not increasing recently. This was a huge relief. We got to observe him in his "play group" and speak with his day-time caregiver who could not say enough about his good eating and sleeping habits. Our translator even laughed at one point and said, "Guys, she is very impressed with him, she is going on and on..." (By the way, our translator says, "Guys..." somewhere in every sentence...it's a kick!)

Anyhow, we ended our visit filled with tears. We left him a blanket, a small photo album of our house, family, etc. and the "Build-A-Bear" our family made for him a few weeks ago. We recorded our voices into it with the kids and "Little Man" and the orphanage staff thought that was pretty great. I was a wreck as we left--it seemed to come so fast...it felt like time was slipping away. I couldn't soak it all in, I wanted to remember everything but struggled to process what my eyes were seeing and my heart was feeling. As we walked down the stairs and out the front door of the orphanage, I wept. I couldn't pull myself together. But as we rounded the corner and looked back through the large iron gate that marks the orphanage grounds, a deep peace accompanied my broken heart. A peace that God was at work. He has been reminding me that He has gone before us, will continue to guide us, and will continue to protect, heal and bless our little boy who we had to leave behind. God does not have to leave him. He stays, as He always has.

We have decided to keep "Little Man's" given name, Ivan, which means "God is gracious". This entire process has been an experience of God's immense grace. And we'll give him the middle name Philip, after his new daddy who traveled half way around the world to meet him and will come back in a few months to bring him home. Ivan Philip. The grace of God and the love of a father...I couldn't want anything more for my son.

As I close out this post, it feels like I am closing out the whole experience here, and that feels almost as huge of a task as this massive city where I write from. These have been some of the hardest days of my life. I do not really have the words for all that I have seen and experienced, it will take me some time to process all of this. But I do know that God has showered His blessings on us in this far-away land. He has reminded us of His grace in more ways than I can recount. God is gracious indeed.

Last Day in Nizhny

2008-07-31T21:09:00.000-07:00

8:15am Friday, August 1:
Today is our last day here in Nizhny and it will be a long one. We will leave in a few hours for our last visit with "Little Man", go to sign a few papers, do a bit of sightseeing/ shopping, hang out in our hotel lobby for a couple of hours and then take an overnight train back to Moscow tonight. We will arrive in Moscow very early on Saturday AM (your Friday night back in the states), sightsee for a bit, get a few hours of sleep and then leave at 3:30am for our 7am flight back to Frankfurt and then LAX. And if we survive all of this, we should be in good shape!

We had a tough day yesterday--mostly just having the fatigue and long car rides in hot/ exhaust filled cars catching up with us. Our visit with "Little Man" was good, but stressful as we considered all of the challenges that we/ he may face. It is such a scary thing--so much uncertainty and literally nothing within our control.

We got to see his nighttime sleeping room, orphanage bathroom, and play quarters yesterday. The sleeping room held 18 tiny cribs pushed next to each other in rows. His play room was larger than we expected, with 6 or so kids playing with a caregiver while "Little Man" and others were off napping in the day sleeping room. I am thankful for these memories.

After many tears last night and some good rest, we are feeling better today and are eager to visit him one last time.

Please pray for us. Pray for clarity and wisdom for both Phil and me--we are asking God to close doors that need to be closed and give us the faith to walk through those He has and continues to open. Pray that we would be made aware of anything we need to know about "Little Man" and his health. Pray for our peace and attitudes as we finish up our time here in Nizhny. Pray for our flight/ travel plans as our airline, Lufhansa, has gone on strike--not necessarily affecting us, but it may. Please pray for "Little Man"--for his protection and continued healing.

We are eager to be home. We miss our kiddos and friends. We look forward to seeing Moscow and then beginning our journey back to LA. And we think that our friends the Mocabees are absolute studs for surviving 1 month here...amazing you 2...and with 3 kiddos in tow!

What a Day!

2008-07-30T23:29:00.000-07:00

Update from our first full day in Nizhny, Wednesday July 30 (which was actually yesterday for us as we are writing this in the AM on July 31)

We woke to the most beautiful view from our hotel window...it is simply breathtaking here. Our hotel looks out onto the Volga River and is in a safe, nice part of town. We've been enjoying long walks (where we are heading in just a moment actually!) so that is a major blessing.

Following breakfast at our hotel buffet, we headed out to the Ministry of Education where we received the official invitation to visit the little one and learned his birthday (April 1, 2007) and his last name. We then took an hour ride through lovely countryside to his orphanage.

What we found when we got there was a pleasant surprise. It was clean and well-kept, many children were outside being taken for walks around the grounds in strollers. We looked at each little face wondering if "Little Man" was one of them...

After 45 minutes with the orphanage Dr. and Director, getting the social and health history, we each could feel our hearts about to beat out of our chests as "Little Man" was brought in...

He was very apprehensive at first (a great sign in the adoption world!) not showing any facial expression AT ALL! His little face held fixed eyes as he tried to figure out why these strangers were here to see him. After 15 minutes or so he warmed up nicely. He gave us a sheepish grin as we played--melted our hearts I'll tell you! We were so blessed to spend an hour and a half with him. He crawled around, played with the stacking cups we brought, devoured the cheerios we introduced him to, loved the rattle and other light up/ noisy toys we brought, and was a happy, even giggly at times, child. He took steps to us and honestly just played so happily. He is small for sure—16 months old tomorrow but much more the size of a 12 month old at a max. We did find out that he was born at probably 29 weeks, very premature, but he has caught up quite nicely…he’s a little fighter we think.

Here is a photo of us with “Little Man”. We aren’t allowed to post any “recognizable photos” of him so you’ll just have to take our word for it…he’s scrumptious!

We came back to our hotel, took a nice nap to the rain outside and woke up to this:

Needless to say, we are THRILLED! We had a wonderful visit and were so impressed by the kindness and care that the orphanage workers had. They seem happy for us, happy for him. We go back in a few hours to spend additional time with him and have another visit Friday as well.

The Lord has given us peace, excitement, and so much joy! And we are both feeling healthy and quite rested...added blessings for this journey.

Here is how our day ended yesterday...What a Day!

Thank you for your continued prayers. We LOVE sharing in this with each of you.

We Are HERE!

2008-07-29T12:49:00.000-07:00

After a long day and a half, we are here, sitting in our hotel in Nizhny Novgorod using our free wireless internet access...how crazy is that! Our travels included 16 hours of flights (3) and a 5 hour train ride from Moscow to Nizhny Novgorod. We have had a good trip honestly. Our only casualty was 1 wheel on Phil's rolling suitcase, but we are managing just fine.

Our drivers and translators have been so kind, we are feeling amazingly OK despite sleep deprivation and being SO FAR FROM HOME!

In the morning we will head to the Ministry of Education to receive the official invitation and where-abouts of "Little Man". We will then go to his orphanage and meet with several staff there to gain information about him before we get a 20-30 minute visit. We are excited and nervous--tomorrow is a big day.

We plan to keep our blog updated and will write more tomorrow. Good night all.

We're Off!

2008-07-28T00:53:00.001-07:00

We are packed, ready, tired, and so excited to leave in only a few hours. These last few days have been a whirlwind of events and emotions. In a short while we will be on a plane heading half-way across the world. Today has been so encouraging as our church sent us off in prayer, friends have stepped-in to help with kids and last minute details, B's soccer team won their tournament!, and we received a financial gift from someone we had never even met before. God has been near. There is a sense of calm somehow in the chaos of all that this trip entails--for that I am so thankful.

Please pray for our travels, especially as I, (Melanie), am not feeling very well.

We plan to update from Nizhny!!!

Surprise, Surprise!

2008-07-25T17:09:00.000-07:00

We received the most wonderful surprise this morning...our VISAS! They came a day early and literally made our day. Now we are in full-swing packing and errands mode, counting down the hours until our departure.

Again, thank you for your prayers and encouragement. We just HAD to share our news with you.

The Bad, The Good, and the VERY Expensive

2008-07-23T18:06:00.000-07:00

Today was busy. And tiring. And emotional.

I got an email mid-morning that said Nizhny Novgorod has re-issued the exact same letter to the Consulate, which they again, rejected and denied our adoption visas. The bad.

I then got word that Nizhny Novgorod had given us permission to travel on business visas, which they were previously unwilling to do. (this was not the way we thought the Lord would answer, but answer He did!) This was somewhat relieving news--it just meant that we had to have our passports returned to us, re-apply for business visas, and do this all within the next 48 hours so that they could be in our hands by Saturday, for our Monday early AM flight. The good.

In order to make this happen, everything had to be super expedited and that means super expensive! 4 times what we had planned to pay for our visas. The VERY, VERY, VERY expensive.

The mountain has not been totally conquered, but we now feel we are actually climbing it, with the peak in sight and our footholds secure. Please continue to pray because we must have our passports and visas by Saturday afternoon. We are being assured that this will happen, but still feel the need for much prayer on our behalf. God has been at work and we are certain He is still answering us.

The wrap-up: We will pack, get the kids (and super-cute puppy) all squared away with friends and family, and can't wait to celebrate on Saturday when our business visas arrive!!

Thank you for laboring in prayer for us. It means the world to us. We truly believe that God hears and answers us. It is humbling to know that so many people were praying and passing along our requests to others who joined us in prayer. We are immensely grateful.

We leave REALLY soon, I mean REALLY soon!!! It seems surreal; I am not sure when it will seem like reality, but it sure feels good!

Thankful,
Melanie for all

Visa Update

2008-07-21T15:28:00.000-07:00

I wish I had more news to share, but did want to share what I have learned regarding the visas...OOOHHH the visas...

The long and short of it is that we will find out something Wednesday morning. Our agency representative in Nizhny will go to the Nizhny MOE on Wednesday (our Tuesday night) to speak on our behalf and see if they will issue a new letter of invitation that would then need to be faxed IMMEDIATELY to the Russian Consulate for our application for an adoption visa. Nizhny ONLY accepts adoption visas anymore and they are not easy to come by apparently.

We continue to wait and hope. We are filled with faith in a mighty God, asking Him to move on our behalf. A prayer partner who was not even aware of our visa crisis shared the following verse with us late last week: "The king's [ruler's] heart is in the hand of the LORD. Like the rivers of water; He turns it wherever He wishes." (Proverbs 21:1) God knew what we needed to hear.

We know that God can turn the hearts of those who need to approve our visa applications. We are asking Him to do that. We would treasure your continued prayers on this matter-especially on Tuesday night and Wednesday. Our plane tickets are for 1 week from today. PRAY. PRAY. PRAY.

Mountains

2008-07-15T23:50:00.000-07:00

I mentioned in our last post that we had "purchased our plane tickets and finalized our travel plans"...as of today, this is not entirely true anymore.

We are having a visa crisis. Apparently, our adoption visas were denied as the Russian consulate did not find our letter of invitation sufficient to issue the visas as we need them to be. This is not good news. This is stressful, tiring, discouraging, and confusing news. It does not at this point mean that we can not go at the previously scheduled time, it just means that we have a few more "mountains" to traverse until that can happen. I will spare you the details of the "how" this can happen as the details are still fuzzy. For now, I just ask you to pray.

Pray that our visas come through by July 25 (at the LATEST) so that we can keep our travel plans as they currently stand. Pray that we will find favor with the Russian government. Pray for our peace in the midst of a very unexpected and daunting "mountain" in our way. Pray that God would make a way for us.

As I have thought about this situation today, I have fought discouragement and worry by remembering that God is the God of the impossible, the Mover of mountains.

We'll keep you posted.

17 Days

2008-07-11T10:44:00.001-07:00

We just finalized our travel dates and plane tickets! (only after literal hours of phone calls, internet searches, and fruitless efforts to use our frequent flier miles...)

Here is the scoop:
We leave California on July 28, arrive in Moscow on the 29th. Hop on a train RIGHT AWAY to travel to Nizhny Novgorod. We meet with the Ministry of Education (MOE) on July 30 and have visits to the orphanage July 30, 31, and Aug. 1!!! We head back to Moscow on Aug. 1 and fly back to California on August 3. (Wow, it makes me tired just to TYPE all of that...not to mention what it will be like to LIVE it!)

We are excited OF COURSE, but honestly feeling so overwhelmed with childcare plans, packing lists, document updates, travel details, and just trying to do our current jobs and somehow be good parents in the meantime...for these next 17 days.

Did I mention that we leave in 17 days?!? We are holding on to Hope. "Let us hold unswervingly to the HOPE we profess, for he who promised is faithful." (Hebrews 10:23)

Keeping Watch

2008-07-08T23:35:00.000-07:00

Well...we got THE CALL yesterday...Yep, the call we've been waiting for...A REFERRAL!! Just when it seemed it would never come; it did...God is so good!

We are thrilled to announce that we have accepted the referral for a 14 month old boy in Nizhny Novgorod. We know very little about him other than his birth month and given name, but we feel like we can't pass up the chance to go and meet this little boy: "Little Man", as we are calling him for now.

We are excited and anxious, (basically just overwhelmed!), but so thankful for God's hand at work in our lives. We are trusting that He is the Author of this whole story--start to finish, and we will walk ahead in obedience and see what He has in store.

Speaking of "seeing", the adoption world refers to a referral like ours with little or no information and no photograph as a "blind referral". I too have been referring to it as that over these last 36 hours. That is how I feel...blind. I am just DYING to see him, his details, history, his nose and his little eyes. But for now, I am blind. I had always imagined receiving a referral photo that I could gaze at and talk to. I was feeling really sad about this until the early hours of the morning this morning when I awoke with wide-eyes thinking, "Did we REALLY get a referral for a 14 month old little boy yesterday?!" I began praying for him, for the process, for us--and I was stopped mid-prayer with the truth that God is "El Roi", the God who sees! (Genesis 16) I literally said out-loud, "God, even-though I know very little about him, You see him, Lord...You always have!" I smiled as I thought about that--that though I feel so blind, God sees and knows him perfectly. What comfort that brings even now.

We should find out more in the next couple of days about our travel plans and time-frame, and we will be sure to share those things with you when we know. For now, we are asking that you pray. Please pray for the details as we make travel plans, etc. Please pray for our family as we seek to listen to the Lord and walk in full obedience to Him. Please pray for "Little Man"--that God would protect, heal, and bless him.

Thank you for being interested in our journey--your partnership in this process is treasured.

"The eyes of the LORD are everywhere, keeping watch on the wicked and the good." Proverbs 15:3

Letters

2008-06-28T20:59:00.001-07:00

My kids are keeping summer journals. I love the opportunity it gives them to write and express themselves, and I must admit, I get many giggles over their sweet and honest responses to the questions or assignments I pose for them daily.

Today they were a bit tired of my "When I am a grown-up, I..., I feel proud when..., If I could ask God one question I would ask Him..." type questions and so we decided on something a little more tangible (and darn cute I must admit). The assignment was: "A letter to our new brother..." They were excited (as excited as they can be with "summer work....aarrgghh")!

Here are the treasures that are etched on their pages:
"Dear Baby Brother,
Our house is the prfikct (perfect) house for you. And the dog is vareey (very) nice. My name is Maggie Wolf. Barrett is the wun (one) hoo (who) likes to read. And Maryn is the wun (one) hoo (who) likes pepoll (people) to read to her. We are all wateeing (waiting) for you.
Love,
ur sister Maggie"
(age 6)

"Dear Baby Brother,
I know you would like it here Baby brother. You will sleep in my room. It will be fun having you. I will want to read to you and play trains with you. It will be fun having you play with me and my baby sisters. We have a puppy named Zizou. By name is Barrett Wolf and my sisters names are Maryn (the crazy one) and Maggie (the one who likes to write). Our favorite things to do are go to Disneyland and California Adventure. I love you brother.
From,
Barrett"
(age 7)

Now, honestly...how can I not LOVE these? They will be treasured forever and hopefully read in person to a dear little soul soon. I asked Barrett if he really already loved his new brother--I just thought this could lead to some deep, tender conversation about how we will work hard to help our new brother feel loved and comfortable, that the transition will be hard, etc. But I couldn't go to those places for the tears welling up in my eyes at his honest response:, "Yeah Mom, I love him TONS. And I miss him too."

Treasures.

Wise words

2008-06-01T23:14:00.000-07:00

My kids amaze me. They are so wise. Our conversations this past week have me still thinking...still chewing on the deep wisdom of a 3, 6, and 7 year old.

My 3 year old told me that God and Jesus don't want her to lose any more privileges (which I am sure it true!) and that God and Jesus are "invisible...but I can see them very good in my dreams".

My 6 year old can preach about any number of Old Testament stories from our One Year Bible for Children--tonight she recounted in perfect detail Elijah's encounter with God at Mt. Sinai after his 40 day journey from the desert: "God was not in the wind, fire, or earthquake...God came to Elijah in a gentle whisper Mom, just a whisper". (Her life-size self portrait is amazing isn't it?--see left--it hung on our kitchen wall for a few days!)

And my 7 year old is tossing around some ideas about laws and rules he'd like to change. This conversation started when he learned that in our city, you are not allowed to ride your bicycle on the sidewalks in town. This does not make sense to B. "It's obviously safer to be on the sidewalk than the street Mom, why would they make a law like that?" He came up with the idea that pets should be free for people who don't have much money. And he is certain that if everyone "just gave their pennies to the poor, there wouldn't be any more poor people". But as we talked later that evening, he came up with what was for sure my favorite very wise and mature comment of the day: "Mom, you know what I think is totally ridiculous?...It is totally ridiculous that you have to PAY to adopt a child. People should have to pay for their passports, plane tickets, hotels, and THAT IS IT. Really, it is just ridiculous that you have to pay to adopt. Why can't people just bring kids home that need a home? For free?" Ahhh the wise words of a 7 year old.

This also gives me a chance to comment on a few questions I have received in response to our announcement that fund-raising from the bracelets, etc. has brought in over $10,000 now: A few people have asked what we will do with the "extra" money? Are we making a "big profit" on this operation? Oh friends, we are still a far cry from the money needed for our adoption. Our final bill will total around $35,000-$40,000!!! (It is actually frightening to even type those numbers.) B's original goal with the bracelets was simply to pay for his own plane ticket to Russia. But now he will pay for his ticket, his new brother's ticket, some gifts to the orphanage, possibly Mommy and Daddy's tickets, some of our food and hotel while in Russia, and various other expenses related to our adoption. What we have realized is that this is about God. We boldly asked (and continue to ask) God to provide a way for us to adopt...to do what He has called us to do. He is answering...and we are amazed! In the last few days we have gotten orders for over 40 more bracelets...God is STILL making a way for us.

So now B's comments make a lot more sense about adoption being free...perhaps he envisions raising the full amount for our adoption through his ever-growing bracelet crusade! That would be A LOT of bracelets!

Blown Away!

2008-05-26T20:52:00.000-07:00

Last Thursday, May 22nd, our family crossed a major threshold: B's "Made for an Angel" bracelets and our other fund-raising efforts reached $10,000! It was only 1 year ago that we began this massive effort--all stemming from B's wish to go to Russia with us to pick up his new brother. When I have been frustrated with the wait, B has reminded me, "Mom, it's just more time to raise more money!" How right he was....We never dreamed one year ago that B would so far exceed his initial fund-raising goal of $1,000 and raise what now sits in his "for Russia" account: $10,188!

"The LORD has done great things for us and we are filled with joy." (Psalm 126:3)

Gates

2008-05-23T22:08:00.000-07:00

I am a bit weary these days. We have been registered for months now, expecting things to come along quickly. We increased our age range, anticipating a shorter wait for our referral. We have watched those registered only weeks before us now head back for trip#2...And still we sit here with no new news. As I have learned in my walk with the Lord, He can handle all of my "stuff": my fears, frustrations, doubts, anger, etc. and so I have been honest with Him about this weariness of heart. "I have 3 months off this summer...3 months that would've been perfect for bonding with a new son, 3 months providing a very flexible schedule to make travel plans to far away places, 3 months to...apparently keep on waiting...what could You possibly be up to, Lord?"

While I don't know the answer to what He is up to, I do have a few glimpses of His Hand at work in these slow-moving days. These come mostly in my quiet, still moments with God, the moments when I am honest, desperate, exhausted, confused... and He draws near. For years I have read from a refreshing daily devotional, Streams in the Desert. There have been countless days when the entry was exactly what I needed...spoke directly to my struggles...gave me insight and wisdom to a question I was asking. These recent days have been some of those. One week ago, on May 17th, my time with God began with this poem by J. Danson Smith in the entry from Streams; I have since re-read it many times...certain that it was meant just for me this week.

Waiting!Yes, patiently waiting!
Till next steps made plain will be;
To hear, with the inner hearing,
The Voice that will call for me.

Waiting! Yes, hopefully waiting!
With hope that need not grow dim;
The Master is pledged to guide me,
And my eyes are unto Him.

Waiting! Expectantly waiting!
Perhaps it may be today
The Master will quickly open
The gate to my future way.

Waiting! Yes, waiting! still waiting!
I know, though I've waited long,
That, while He withholds His purpose,
His waiting cannot be wrong.

Waiting! Yes, waiting! still waiting!
The Master will not be late:
Since He knows that I am waiting
For Him to unlatch the gate.

Unlatch the gate Lord; in Your perfect time, please unlatch the gate.

Map Flags

2008-01-06T19:21:00.000-08:00

We received a thirilling phone call yesterday telling us that our dossier has been sent to Nizhny Novgorod (see map at right)! WE HAVE A REGION! We are looking forward to learning more and more about our region and have begun our research already learning that Nizhny is a 5 hour train ride from Moscow and is the 3rd largest city in Russia (one site said 4th...so that is possible too I guess!). One of the most fun things about this news was adding the map flag on the huge world map in B's room...the flag reads, "BABY BROTHER!".

(This map has flags all over it marking friends serving on the mission field and has flags in 23 US states and 5 additional countries marking the destinations of "Made for an Angel" bracelets.)

Well, we just wanted to share our exciting news about Nizhny Novgorod...we have a SON there you know!!

Celebrating

2007-12-26T20:23:00.000-08:00

We received the wonderful news that CHI has received a non-expiring accreditation to work in Russia and we are thrilled! Our 5 year old daughter M. displayed our family celebration in this drawing. (The small person in green is our "new brother"!) Our family is praising God for this news...what a wonderful Christmas gift!

A Picture of Hope

2007-08-24T07:31:00.000-07:00

I love this painting. I love it for many reasons: it reminds me what B was like when he painted it for his kindergarten graduation; it makes me smile to see his concept of the assignment he was given: "paint children"; it gives me hope. I framed this adorable painting and love to look at it hanging on the wall--(often through teary eyes) because it represents to me faith in a BIG GOD.

I saw my son holding up this painting at his kindergarten graduation as an affirmation from the Lord that He was at work in our family. We had been praying about adopting for some time and were expressing this concept of feeling "called to adopt"--something that gets stronger for us every day. I had one of those "cry my eyes out" moments only days before when the cost and task seemed totally daunting and terribly overwhelming. I remember crying out to God, "Why have you asked us to do something we can't do?--We can't pay for this..." His reply was simple & clear: "I set the stars in the sky and the fish in the sea...what is this expense to me? I can handle it...let Me handle it".

I have always admired other Christians who expressed and lived out huge faith--but this has not been me. I am intensely practical and often too 'realistic'--I see the road blocks, not the road. I see the challenges, not the God of the impossible. This experience was for me an opportunity to grow, to trust, to hope. And so when I saw my son pull this painting from behind his back and hold it over his head with a huge grin, I cried. I knew this was just another picture of God being in complete control. I still don't know who our new child is or what he looks like, but I know God does. I believe he is represented in the painting that hangs on my wall: and that gives me great hope. I still have my moments of panic and stress, but there truly is a deep sense of faith--not in our abilities and certainly not in our finances, but in a faithful God. We have already been blown away by His hand in this process--from recycling to B's booming bracelet business --God is making a way for us. I believe He will only continue to do so.

Famous indeed

2007-08-09T14:07:00.001-07:00

"Mom, am I kinda famous?" "Actually B., yes you are kinda famous." A huge grin and little giggle emerged from our 6 year old son. B is famous! He has raised $2,100 as of today towards our adoption...here's the story:

Our oldest child B came to us a few months ago and asked if he could go to Russia with us to "pick up" his new brother. We told him that due to the cost of the plane ticket and us now knowing how even Mommy and Daddy were going to get there, it wasn't going to work out. "But I have $135" was his matter of fact reply. We told him a ticket would cost more like $1000 and he headed off to his room. A few minutes later, B returned with a well-thought out plea: "Well, since I am going to be his only brother, I think he wants to meet me first. And I think he wants me to see where he was born since he'll get to see where I was born. I can save $1000. I'll do extra chores. I really want to go to Russia."

Of course our hearts melted and we agreed to let him go under one condition: that he did pay for his own plane ticket. B was THRILLED and saw the challenge ahead as a totally achievable goal. We decided that he could do a large recycling drive (in CA we can turn in plastic bottles, soda cans, etc. for cash), some jobs in our neighborhood, and a few other fundraisers. He was pumped! He paid for his passport out of his own money and he was off... The recycling was an instant success: our kids LOVE the hunts for bottle and cans. We have a number of wonderful friends saving their recycling for us. B even recycled at an Angels' game recently after nearly being moved to tears at the thought of leaving all those bottle and cans behind!

Around Mother's Day, I came up with a craft for B's Sunday School class to make their moms and it has emerged (per B's idea) into a massive effort towards B's trip. B makes bracelets. We started out thinking he would sell 50 or so to family and close friends...he is well on his way to selling 300! B decided that his goal of $1000 was "too simple" for him and so now he is on his way to raise $5000--he'll pay for his plane ticket, food, hotel, and supplies for the trip, gifts for the orphanage, and perhaps his new brother's ticket home! We are so proud of him; and now due to the large success of the "Made for an Angel" bracelets, are all part of this crafting effort. He even has college students from the University where my husband and I work volunteering their time to try to keep up with the orders. B buys all of his own supplies and has designed these adorable bracelets. He has a charm that says, "Made for an Angel" in the middle of each bracelet...of course that angel is his brother.

And so yes, B is famous! Most people he asks to save their recycling for him or purchase one of the hand-made bracelets, agree instantly and get teary-eyed telling him what a great job he is doing. He has made us so proud and we KNOW he can reach his goal. It feels pretty cool to be the parents of someone famous!

**For those who are interested in purchasing one of these adorable bracelets to help B's cause, please leave a comment with your email address and we'll get in touch with you. The bracelets are each "one of a kind" with various beads and colors. The adult bracelets are $10 and the kids sizes are $5.

Why Russia?

2007-08-08T10:34:00.000-07:00

In my college days, I always imagined adopting a child from somewhere within the US. I served in the inner-city of Chicago and definitely thought the Lord would lead me back there someday to adopt a child, but my heart was led in a different direction. As we began to think and pray about actually embarking on this journey, I still felt a bit unsure of where we would pursue the adoption. I led a college women's small group at the time and asked them to pray with me that we would be clearly directed to a place. As I read, prayed, read some more, and put in many hours of research, Russia emerged...it just made sense. Phil's mom, Clara was BORN IN RUSSIA! She has an incredible story of survival, escape, and freedom as she and her family escaped Russia during World War II and walked from Russia to Germany for 2 YEARS! Clara was only 10 years old when they began walking and the journey was tragic in many ways. She lost a young brother to scarlet fever on this trek and finally arrived in Germany with her parents to then live in displaced person's camp for a number of years. Clara still cooks many Russian dishes and is still fluent in the language...What a gift to us as we pursue this adoption from Russia. We have asked her to travel with us on our 2nd trip and are just thrilled to be taking her back to the place of her birth. And so for us, choosing Russia had many factors--it feels in many ways as if it has always meant to be this way.

Here we go!

2007-08-07T22:25:00.000-07:00

Truth be told, this journey has seemed much longer than my calendar lets me know is reality. I have been dreaming about this adoption for many years, the last one and a half seeming particularly long. Just days after the birth of our third child, I read an article while waiting in the pediatrician's office about 2 families that had adopted in Russia and came home to tell my husband that I wanted to begin the process of researching and pursuing adoption. He looked at me with sympathetic eyes knowing that I must be immensely sleep deprived to even mention such a thing. Phil has always been open to the idea of adopting, but definitely thought it would be much later in life for us.
As our third child M grew, so did my interest and passion to adopt. I spent hours researching, reading, and talking to agencies and families about this journey I was literally aching to begin. I began to pray very specifically that God would either fan the flame of interest in my heart to adopt, or would snuff it out. Boy did He fan! A HUGE confirmation for me was when my husband began to talk about us adopting and telling others that we felt called to adopt. I knew that the Lord was stirring in his heart and it would only be a matter of time before my dream to add a precious child to our family through the miracle of adoption would come true.
And then we waited...we waited just to begin the process due to some possible job/ re-location opportunities. The wait seemed like torture at times--I knew that the actual process of adopting would bring many months of waiting, but now even the pre-adoption process was filled with wait. But the Lord showed me purpose in the wait and He grew my faith. And here we are with an ALMOST completed dossier and a growing excitement for this stage in the journey. Having been physically pregnant 3 times now, I have grown to appreciate the 9+ months of growing a child, and dreaming of what he/ she will look like. I have been thankful for the TIME to prepare my house, my family, and myself to add another member to our family. And I feel the same way about this stage of the adoption process. We need the time--we need to learn more and more about Russia, prepare our "new brother's" room, to raise money for this venture, and to grow HUGE places in our hearts for this special little man. There are days (today being one of them) that I am emotionally tired and physically aching for this new son. I am certain that my hormones are more out of whack with this adoption than with any of my other pregnancies! And so yes, I do consider us pregnant. This child grows in our hearts each day--we dream of experiences, opportunities, conversations, and 'firsts'. And in these months of waiting (which I know have only just begun) we ask the Lord to fill our time with things that will prepare us for the 'birth' into our family of this little man we are just dying to love on...